Sunday, January 31, 2016

RPG Review: "Dungeons & Dragons" Fifth Edition Players Handbook


It's hard to believe that the D&D Fifth Edition Players Handbook been out since August of 2014. That's how long I've been trying to do a review of this thing. Wow, I suck.

In retrospect, though, it's good that I've had plenty of time to goof around with this new system. Reviewing an RPG system without playing it is like declaring a scientific theory sound without testing it.

But I credit Fifth Edition for all of the D&D in my life right now. In fact, his you hopped into a time machine and told fourteen-year-old me that he'd be running and / or playing in no less than four different D&D campaigns in the distant future of 2016 he'd laugh politely at the gray-bearded wind-bag and then bolt out of the room.

But there's a sound reason for this. Read on and I'll endeavor to explain why this version of the game might very well be my favorite edition yet.

I've broken things down to chapter-specific notes and observations and I'll polish everything off at the end with some final thoughts. Let's get started, shall we?  

Chapter 1: Step-By-Step Characters
 
My first Fifth Edition D&D character: Braemar "Bugslayer" Barrelhouse, the stout halfling ranger, gone on to some thrilling exploits.

  • The Ability Score Summary is a handy, at-a-glance description of what each stat means, what Class it's most handy for and which Races get a perk from it. This is very handy for getting started.  
  • A +4 Ability Score Modifier for an 18 brings shades of AD&D's exceptional Strength to mind. 
  • I was blown away by how easy it was to get to Level Two. But, then again, if you're lookin' to attract new players with short attention spans I suppose it makes sense to give them a cookie as soon as possible.  
Chapter 2: Races
  • Humans get a +1 to every single freakin' Ability Score right across the board, unless they start with the Variant Human Trait which bumps up only two scores but also includes a starting Skill and a Feat. I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around this one since it results in some pretty stacked characters up front, especially in conjunction with the "roll four 6-sided dice and add up the highest three results" rule. I'd be tempted to re-institute the olde skool 3d6 cold roll again if not for the fact that only Humans get this incredible starting boost.
  • The Proficiency Bonus incorporates so many oddball modifiers and simulates improving skills so easily.
  • Fuck all you haterz I'm happy to see Gnomes back as Player Character. Not only is it oddly reassuring for me to see these guys come back, the new Forest and Rock flavors actually makes them pretty tempting to play. 
  • Knowing that Dragonborn and Tieflings were added to Fouth Edition in a blatant attempt to attract  people who want more "badass" characters, I really don't care one way or the other. The bottom line is: I'm not one to bitch about having more options rather than less. 
Chapter 3: Classes
  • Well, color me surprised when I discovered that the answer to that age-old adage of "when Barbarians fly" turns out to be "Level 14". Granted its more of a mystical leap but it still seems out of step with what should be a grounded (no pun intended), down-to-earth (pun intended), martial, anti-magic class like Barbarians. 
  • Sorry, but Bards still make absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. As a DM it's virtually impossible to describe powers like "Cutting Words" without making the whole thing sound super-deewby. The Colleges improve things marginally, with Lore Bards coming across as a combination of Woodward and Bernstein-style journalists armed with the put-down capabilities of a Louis C.K. or a Bill Burr.
  • Mercifully "Turn / Destroy Undead" has been simplified as a Savings Throw. "Channel Divinity" also dovetails nicely with the well-thought-out Domains. Players and DM's can run riot with powers such as "Divine Intervention" and "Object Reading".
  • I like that a high Wisdom improves how effective spells are for Druids and Clerics and it also determines how many Spells they can prepare.
  • "Wild Form" lets a Druid shape change almost right away and the rules govern these transformations rather elegantly. Also Land Circle Druids have tons of options. I like how their Circle Spells actually fit in with their origins. For example, if you wanna be all claw / claw / bite and less spell-casty go with a Circle of the Moon Druid.
  • The varied fighting styles for Fighters are simple and evocative. Martial Archetypes add even more customization options plus loads of complexity. So, if you've played a crap-ton of Fighters in your long and storied adventuring career, you'll love all the new options provided by the Battle Master. On the other hand, newbies will dig the clean simplicity and raw power of the Champion. Abilities such as "Know Your Enemy" really rawk and Superiority Dice / Maneuvers offer a lot of potential for clever application.
  • I'll always prefer the original classes best since they have antecedents in real world history and / or classic fantasy yarns. Conversely, the newer classes have a lot more pop culture antecedents and, as such, they come across as cheesy fan service sometimes. For example, whenever I read the Eldridge Knight description I get a GRAVE DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE. Again, I don't wanna bitch too loud since I just created an Eldritch Knight character that's half Kylo Ren and half Darth Vader as he appears in this classic Eddie Izzard bit. 
  • I still maintain that Monks would be more at home in an "Oriental Adventures" campaign. Like the ridiculous concept of airborne Barbarians, powers such as "Shadow Step" nudge these once-martial characters dangerously close to the realm of the silly. As a side note: "Way of the Four Elements" is about as Avatar: The Last Airbender as you can possibly get without a cease and desist order.
  • Since they aren't completely shackled by the "Lawful Stupid" alignment anymore, Paladins actually look like they'd be fun to play now. And look at all the different options here! If you go the "Oath of Devotion" route you can play as a Cavalier. "Oath of the Ancients" will give you a "Gawain and the Green Knight" sorta vibe. If you want a Batman / Inigo Montoya angle then take the "Oath of Vengeance" path. Just like many of the other classes, powers such as "Avenging Angel" dip a toe into the crazy pool but at least this doesn't happen until Level 20.
  • Rangers can add an additional Favored Enemy, preferably based on their recent run-ins. With that comes improved lore about your mortal enemies and the ability to track them more effectively. "Natural Explorer" creates no less than eight different branching paths. The four fighting styles (Archery, Defense, Dodge and Two-Weapon Fighting) give you four more customization options. In other words, you can start your career as a woodland Archer that hates aberrations or you can be a dual-cutlass-wielding seaside dweller who despises water elementals. Archetypes customize this even further. I know that some of this comes across as "Fouth Edition-y" but it actually works here. All of these features mesh surprisingly well together and, at the very least, gives the DM plenty of inspiration fodder to run cool, descriptive combats. "Escape the Horde", "Multiattack Defense", "Volley" and "Stand Against The Tide" are all a blast to play out in game. Bonus points: "Beast Master" is basically Dar from a certain cheesy 80's fantasy movie of the same name. "Primeval Awareness" is the only Ranger power that feels kinda "airy-fairy" but even that would be cool to see played out during a hex crawl. "Hide in Plain Sight" also has some fun ninja-esque qualities to it.
  • The Rogue's "Expertise" makes Thieves Tools a Proficiency so going down the criminal path certainly isn't mandatory. Hey, I'm just an innocent lock-smith, okay? On the other hand, if you wanna go all Oceans 11, then the "Thief" Archetype will have you a-heistin' and a-pilferin' quicker then you can say "YOINK!". Then there's "Fast Hands", which will give your character the sort of deftness that Indiana Jones would be totes jelly of. And words can't describe how happy I am to see the Assassin back in some shape or form. DM's and players alike will have a blast with "Infiltration Expertise" and "Imposter". Unfortunately I think "Death Strike" could be a tad deadlier. "Arcane Trickster" is like "Loki the Character Class". "Mage Hand Legerdemain" could have a lot of interesting applications in the hands of a creative player. "Magical Ambush" looks like fun but "Spell Thief" totally breaks the knob offa the ol' Batshit-Insane-O-Meter. 
  • I like how the Sorcerer's "Flexible Casting" hints at fluctuating and unpredictable sources of power. A Sorcerer doesn't have to have draconic lineage anymore, but if they do go this route it's been properly quantified. Again, what's with the freakin' wings at Level 14? Just because you've got a little dragon DNA in you why do you start turning into one a la Seth Brundle in The Fly? I assume stuff like this was left in to appease the half dozen people or so out there who actually liked the Fouth Edition. And before you start sending me pissed-off emails, I actually think Fourth was a good rule set, just not for D&D. Great for a super-hero game, yes, just not D&D. Of course, even crusty old grognards like me have to admit that "Draconic Presence" is actually pretty durned cool. Plus, I'm a huge sucker for random percentage die tables, so the "Surge" chart is pure money to me. 
  • Then there's the Warlock / Witch. If you're having a hard time picturing this great new addition just think "dark priest in eternal servitude of some unnamable elder god". "Chain Pact" brings Familiars into the mix, "Blade Pact" is a bit too Green Lantern-ish for my taste and "Tome Pact" is toadly "METAL". The "Archfey" Patron sprinkles the Warlock with a dash of Druid, the "Fiend" Patron is also pretty durned "METAL" while the "Great Old One" Patron dares to invoke the name of Cthulhu himself. Which begs the questions: how many hours did the WOTC legal team pore over this to ensure that the Lovecraft estate wouldn't sue them into oblivion? Under this particular Patron, "Entropic Ward" is all "Nyah! Right back atcha!". By my estimation, a tiefling warlock with a Tome Pact and a Great Old One Patron is just about the "METAL-ist" PC in D&D history. And not only is "Eyes of the Rune Keeper" a pretty sweet power it could also be the title track of your character's debut album. 
  • Copying Spells is now a clear and easy process for Wizards. Your Intelligence modifier plus Level equals the number of Spells you can prepare. The class features showcase an increasing familiarity with magic and they dovetail perfectly with the player's personal preference. The different schools of wizardry feel even more "Hogwart-y" than ever. "Portent" is fun as is "Instinctive Charm" and "Illusory Self". "Alter Memories" is basically a Jedi Mind Trick. "Sculpt Spells" could come in very handy while "Potent Cantrip" and "Overchannel" can give old Spells a new lease on life. Plus there's a ton of role-playing potential with things like "Illusory Reality". Since I've used Necromancer villains in my 3.5 campaign before, I'm delighted to see them properly represented as a formal school here. "Grim Harvest", "Undead Thralls" and "Command Undead" are all super sa-weet, with the latter ability in particular coming off as "Power Turning". With a clever player at the helm, Transmutation Wizards can use "Minor Alchemy" and "Master Transmuter" to become as powerful as Molecule Man from Marvel Comics, if not slightly more dorky. The Transmuter Stone could also have a lot of creative in-game applications.
Chapter 4: Personality and Background

    • Gender has absolutely no impact on stats, as it should be. In a move that's also designed to enrage hordes of neck-bearded yahoos: your character's sexual orientation is entirely up to you. Simple, progressive and common sense. Pity it took so long to say it and double the pity that it had to be said at all in the first place.
    • I actually like the specific examples taken directly from various D&D campaign settings like Forgotten Realms or Dragonlance. And why now show off a l'il swagga? It really drives home the rich history of the game and the examples are right on-point.
    • Providing Dwarven and Elvish script is super-handy for DMs who want to come up with some cool-looking props, drawings, puzzles and whatnot.
    • Personality Traits, Ideals, Bonds and Flaws really inspire newbies to role-play their characters. Inspiration finally gives players a palpable reward for portraying their characters as something less than "paragon".
    • Backgrounds should've been in the game ages ago if only to account for a Character's initial skill set. They also provide great potential adventure hooks for the DM as well as awesome role-playing fodder. For example, the Hermit's "Discovery" Background is rife with potential. I sure wish that the "Sailor" background existed when I came up with my first character circa 1984. The "Dread Pirate Roberts" / "Bad Reputation" combo also looks like a real hoot.
    Chapter 5: Equipment
    • Not that I haven't always played it like that before, but I like how Electrum and Platinum pieces are officially considered rare and exotic now.
    • A minimum Strength is required to avoid Heavy Armor movement penalties. Smart! Ergo, Rogues can wear Heavy Armor if they want to but Disadvantage and Dexterity caps will apply. The whole "no Dexterity bonus at all for Heavy Armor" kind of freaks me out a little bit even if it does make perfect sense.
    • I really dig the "Finesse" attribute of rapiers and daggers.
    • Advantage is such a simple and easy mechanic that it can be used to give tangible benefits to equipment like crowbars and magnifying glasses.
    • Starting Equipment Packs = time-saving genius!
    • I like how Tools are required to get your Proficiency Bonus. Stuff like this just makes the game feel more "real" to me. 
    • Even though I tend to role-play stuff like this, Lifestyle Expenses are an easy, catch-all way to cover those pesky in-town costs of living. Just like so many other things in Fifth Edition, the designers took this as an opportunity to encourage role-playing!
    • The "Trinket" chart is just about the greatest thing ever.
    Chapter 6: Customization Options
    • Multi-Classing is ludicrously easy to the point where determining available Spell Slots amongst two or three different Classes a super-simple.
    • I live that Feats are now an optional branching path for character development and customization. The odd thing is that Feats like "Athlete" and "Actor" allow you to pick up one free Ability Score increase  plus get a free special ability. Seem a tad O.P. to me, but, frankly I'm glad the system has imbalances. This gives veteran dungeon crawlers a chance to play challenging characters while noobies can min / max up the perfect meat shield.
    • A wily player might be pretty dangerous while armed with the "Keen Mind" Feat.
    Chapter 7: Using Ability Scores
    • Did I mention that the Advantage / Disadvantage system is awesome? 'Cuz the Advantage / Disadvantage system really is awesome.
    • I just realized that the art isn't exactly plentiful in the Players Handbook but what there is of it is head and shoulders over previous iterations of the game, particularly the Second Edition.  *shudder*
    • Ability Checks use a Difficulty Class which mirrors 3 / 3.5. This is good.
    • Basing Saving Throws on the six different abilities make sense but I'm thinking that Charisma saves are gonna be pretty rare.
    • Under "Lifting and Carrying" the Encumbrance rules are refreshingly simple
    Chapter 8: Adventuring
    • Time, movement and environmental effects are easy and intuitive. As a side note, it's kind of amusing for me to see the two styles of role-playing finally quantified as either "descriptive" or "active" for the very first time ever. Like sloped floors in movie theaters why wasn't this done ages ago?
    • "Rest". *Ugh*  Of everything in Fifth Edition this is what I like the least. It still feels like re-heated leftovers from Fourth Edition's sad attempt to ape World of Warcraft. I'm sure my opinion of this will continue to evolve as I keep playing but right now I think it's ridiculous. Sure, you aren't getting max Hit Dice back every time you take a Short Rest and you have to burn an hour to do it, but the idea of getting all of your freakin' Hit Points back after an eight hour nap is completely ludicrous to me. Again, it makes the characters feel super-heroic and it also devalues the Cleric as a clutch member of the group.
    • I really dig the ease and practicality of the Downtime Activities. Crafting items now feels do-able, you can work to make money, recuperate from a disease or an injury, do some Gandalf-style research, try to learn a new language or become Proficient with a set of Tools.
    Chapter 9: Combat
    • It's no co-incidence that the D&D Encounters program started during Fourth Edition since a single tilt  in that version could easily take up an entire session. Mercifully things are back to being super-streamlined in the Fifth Edition. How's this for a Surprise-determining no-brainer: "If neither side tries to be stealthy they automatically notice each other". Well, d'uh...why didn't we just put it that way sooner?!? Initiative is essentially 3 / 3.5. This is also good. Miniatures are not required but I'm still rockin' 'em 'cuz I like the tactical aspects of the game. Attacks of Opportunity are still a thing but can be offset with a Disengage Action. You can also Help an Ally gang up on an enemy to achieve a Combat Advantage. "Ready Actions" are also clearly defined.
    • Diagonal Movement counted as a single space is total horseshite so I'm still using 3.5's movement costs. I haven't gotten there yet by I presume that the exact same rule is floated somewhere in the Fifth Edition DMG.
    • Full Actions in battle are clear cut. You can either Attack, Cast a Spell, Dash (I.E. double move), Disengage, Dodge (impose Disadvantage on your attackers), Help someone gain Advantage on a task or while fighting someone, Hide, Ready an Action, Search or Activate an Object. Easy peasy.
    • Grappling is soooooo much simpler now. To the point where I'm tempted to create a wrasslin' Monk just for shits and / or giggles. How cool would that be?!?
    Chapter 10: Spellcasting
    • Spell Slots work frightening well. I like the idea of expending a higher level Spell Slot to beef up lower level Spells.
    • As before, Cantrips can be cast an unlimited number of times, keeping magic-users in the game long after their Spell Slots have been exhausted. Side note: casting spells as a Ritual takes longer but it doesn't expel a Spell Slot.
    • Back in the day, if a magic-user took any damage at all, their Spell was instantly borked. Now they can Save versus Constitution to complete the spell, the base Difficultly Class being 10 or half the damage you take, whatever is higher. Nice touch.
    • The Difficulty Classes to avoid Spells is 8 + the spell caster's Ability Modifier + their Proficiency Bonus + any temporary bonuses. The relevant Ability Modifiers remain the same with Wisdom for Clerics and Druids, Charisma for Sorcerer and Intelligence for Wizards. The new kids on the block, the Warlocks, use Charisma like a Sorcerer. 
    Chapter 11: Spells
    • Spell descriptions are more brief, economic and to the point than they've ever been before, which is awesome. Oddly this hadn't led to very many Spell effect debates, but then again I don't play the game with anal-retentive rules lawyers. 
    • Many Spells like "Alter Self" or "Hallow" have multiple applications. Others scale in power according to Level like "Acid Splash" or they can be beefed up with higher level Spell Slots like "Arms of Hador". This sort of fluidity will keep veteran spell-slingers amused for years.
    • Simple and elegant rules easily govern once-complicated Spell effects. For example using five different size classes for "Animate Objects" or using an invisible "sensor" to define the awareness of "Clairvoyance". Many of the Spells, particularly the new ones, just seem like a ton of fun. "Awaken", "Curse", "Bigby's Hand", "Calm Emotions", "Contingency", "Compel Duel" and "Glibness" are just a few of the Spells that are rife with dramatic potential. On the other hand, some, like "Banishing Smite" seem a tad overpowered. Conversely, "Enlarge / Reduce" looks sorta Nerfed if only due to the Spell level it was assigned to. And to be filed under the "WTF?!?" category...why does "Fire Shield" produce a cold affect?
    • Using Hit Points versus Hit Dice to determine how many creatures are affected by spells like "Color Spray" is a very simple way to determine whether or bigger or higher level creatures are affected.
    • Thanks to the Necromancer school, the "ick"-factor has really been cranked up with "Contagion" and "Harm". Spells like "Eyebite" also have a lot of creatively sadistic applications. And, hey, "Finger of Death" gives you a free zombie buddy!
    • I like how the Advantage / Disadvantage system has actually inspired new spells such as "Enhanced Ability".
    • The whole "cast a spell on the same spot for year and it'll be permanent" thing is pretty bizarre. I mean, how boring is your D&D campaign if you actually manage to pull this off? 
    • Petrification as per "Flesh To Stone" or the Indigo effect in "Prismatic Spray" use the same "three strikes and yer out" Dying mechanic, which gives you a fighting chance to dramatically power your way out of the effect. Cool!
    • Spells that impact specific stats like "Ray of Enfeeblement" simplify things by imposing relevant mechanics instead of reducing the Ability Score itself. This is a lot easier then temporarily lowering your actual Strength or Constitution number and then putting the game on hold in order to figure out your reduced modifiers.    
    Appendix A: Conditions
    •  Once again, the Advantage / Disadvantage mechanic comes to the rescue and simplifies so many of these things, some of which used to require multiple paragraphs of text. Now many of them have been boiled down to a few bullet points. Here's a great example for "Prone": "an attack roll against the creature has advantage if the attacker is within 5 feet. Otherwise the attack roll has Disadvantage." Perfect.
    • The charming little sketches that illustrate each Condition amuse the crap outta me.
    • Curiously enough, you can't just hit Paralyzed targets automatically, but you do get Advantage and score a crit if you hit them. Makes sense. Sort of.
    • The six Levels of Exhaustion is elegant and intuitive. 
    Appendix B: Gods of the Multiverse
    • Too lazy to create a pantheon of your own? No worries, this section of the Players Handbook has got ya covered. If you just need a cool-sounding name of a trickery god just pick the one that sounds the coolest. Examples of Alignment, Suggested Domains and the god's Symbol might even inspire new DM's to craft their own deities. 
    • The radically different examples of pre-existing D&D pantheons might convince veteran DM's to think outside the box when it comes to inventing their own campaign religions.
    • Since (A) the only campaign settings that existed back when I first started playing D&D were Greyhawk and Dragonlance and (B) we were too cheap to buy anything other than the core books and (C) we were too lazy to create our own pantheons, we started out by using the Greek and Norse gods. Knowing how integral the Deities & Demigods / Legends & Lore hardbacks were to DM's of yore, the designers provide economic little summaries of the Celtic, Greek, Egyptian and Norse pantheons. Like everything else in the Players Handbook, the descriptions are brief, concise and surprisingly well-written. 
    Appendix C:  The Planes of Existence  
    • The new Planes of Existence diagram is a helluva lot slicker than the one I first laid eyes on in the AD&D Players Handbook! The names of some of the Planes have been altered, presumably to steer sensitive souls away from real-world belief systems. That's sort of a shame if that's the case since  "Nirvana" and the "Happy Hunting Grounds" are both considerably more evocative and appealing than the generic descriptors of "Mechanus" and "The Beastlands". *yawn* 
    • The Feywild and the Shadowfell are relatively new concepts to me and the descriptions tease economic and evocative details that makes you want to learn more about them.
    • Honestly, these realms are just as challenging to wrap your head around as any modern religious ethos or existential belief system. Everything makes an odd sort of sense, that is until the Sigil and the Outlands are mentioned, which comes across as the ramblings of friend of yours who's waaaaay too high right now. Conversely the scant details about the Far Realm feel like a mandatory high-level adventure hook.  
    Appendix D: Creature Statistics
    • Short, sweet and right to the point...this is how you do monster stat blocks properly!
    Appendix E: Inspiration Reading
    • Words can't describe how delighted I am to see Gary Gygax's original "Inspirational Reading" list back and, better yet, expanded to include modern genre classics such as George R.R. Martin's "Song of Ice and Fire" series. Even if it succeeds in showing just a handful of kids that this fantasy stuff didn't just start with World of Warcraft this page has done an admirable thing. If it turns them into avid readers, so much the better.
    ***

    In summary, I'm really enjoying this latest version of D&D. In many ways it feels like a "greatest hits" package, combining the simplicity of the Rules Cyclopedia, the thematic chrome of AD&D and the relatively-grounded tone of 3 / 3.5.

    Right now I'm running two campaigns: an original setting 3 / 3.5 game (with waaaay too many players) and a 5'th Edition game using the "Lost Mines of Phandelver" to test-drive the system. Even though I'm having a blast with the module I'm also hesitant to migrate my original campaign over to 5'th mainly because it's just so durned easy for me to Google any random question and D&D Wiki will answer it for me.

    Which begs the question: how badly is WOTC still kicking themselves over the whole Open Gaming License idea? After all, Paizo lured a major chunk of players away with Pathfinder (I.E. D&D 3.75) and if not for the lingering online support for earlier editions we'd probably all be drinking Fifth Edition-brand Kool Aid right now.

    Having said that, the failure of Forth Edition, the competition of Pathfinder and the rise of the OSR movement certainly forced the designers to brainstorm a new, innovative and user-friendly version of the game in a sincere bid to lure lapsed players back into the fold. And I think they succeeded in this quite admirably. I can personally attest that twenty-somethings are playing this version of the game in droves, and for many of them it's their first experience with D&D ever. I can't think of a higher testimony than that.

    One major reason for this is how approachable the rules are. For example, thirty-five distinctly different Skills in 3 / 3.5 really baffled new players. Fifth Edition reduced this number to around eighteen and it's all the richer for it.  At this stage I really don't need a specific rule to govern every single contingency. I'd rather just pick a Skill, make up a DC on the spot and get players to roll for it. Or just role-play it out if I think that'll be more fun. As long as neophyte DM's don't let their players bog the game down into an unending stream of d20 rolls, you should be alright.

    But perhaps the most important thing to note is just how much fun this version is to read. Lead designers Mike Mearls and Jeremy Crawford have given us a compulsively-readable tome that falls somewhere between the florid yet evocative prose of Gary Gygax and the precise rulespeak of Monte Cook and company.

    All told, I give the Dungeons & Dragons Fifth Edition Players Handbook five pips outta six with a healthy tilt up towards Elysium!


    Looking to stomp a mudhole in a few Orc butts? Click on the following image to learn more about the Players Handbook and help this blog level up!

      

    Thursday, December 24, 2015

    Games For People Who Don't Like Games

    Picture it: you're home for the holidays. Everyone is sitting around staring at one another or watching the youngling / pet battle royale in the middle of the living room. Bored out of your gourd, you tentatively propose an alternate activity:

    "Hey guys, does anyone want to play a game?"

    All of a sudden every bit of conversation and tumult drains out of the room and you find yourself standing in the cross-hairs of a dozen perplexed looks. Momentarily taken aback, you manage to stammer out something semi-intelligible about the Santa-sized sack of games you brought with you but no-one seems to bite. As a result you lapse back into silence, go back to staring at the kid / animal mosh pit in the middle of the room and wish that you'd brought your Splendor-app-laden tablet along with you.

    But, hey, you really can't blame people for this chilly reception. After all, when you mention "games" the first thing most people think about is Clue, Payday, Monopoly and Risk. Sure the classics have their place but they also involve huge dollops of luck, player elimination and/or waiting forever for your turn to come around. As such, I really can't slight the average Joe for thinking that games are about as exciting as watching a layer of skin form on the the top of the gravy bowl.

    Now, if'n yer a gamer who's plannin' to spend the holidays with a bunch of non-gamers, well, don't you worry yer purdy l'il head. I'm-a gonna recommend a few specific things to bring along that'll help redefine games for neophytes while keeping you amused as well.

    "Steady...Steady..."

    Dexterity games are a no-brainer. Literally, you just pick something up and you move it to another place, hoping to Sweet Baby Jesus that things don't go shit-house on your watch.

    The grand-daddy, or at least the retired uncle, of this category is Jenga. I just played Jenga with my parents for the first time and it's probably gonna be the highlight of my entire Christmas vacation. Gotta love a game that you can teach to people by singing an ancient commercial jingle. Even though it's a goofy activity at best, my folks treated it like Bomb Defusing: The Board Game. It was a huge hit.

    Actually they were a bit too good at it. In fact, when things were becoming super-precarious I said "Hey, this isn't right. I'm supposed to win!" As it turned out, Dad was the inevitable victor.

    PROS: Super-simple to jump into. Most people know it already. Very tense. Eight people can play it.
    CONS: Blocks go flying everywhere. The person who placed the last block successfully "wins".

    Fun fact: Jenga is best played on a cock-themed tablecloth. 

    Then there's Bamboleo which shares a lot of traits with Jenga. In this one you have a bunch of geometric shapes placed on a giant wooden platter which you tentatively balance atop a cork ball on a wooden post.

    On your turn you try to take a piece off the platter without tipping the whole thing over kit and kaboodle. If your turn comes around and you don't think that you can take a piece off without knocking the whole thing over, you can pass your turn. But if the next person successfully removes a piece then you have to pay them one of your own pieces as a penalty. The ham-fisted oaf who eventually knocks the whole thing over also has to pay a four-piece penalty back to the "bank" and, as you might have guessed, whoever collects the most pieces at the end of the game wins!

    PROS: Great curb appeal. It's super-simple. Suspenseful. Plays with up to seven people.
    CONS: A bit tricky to set up. Shit goes flying everywhere. Your first few games will probably be over quickly until people get a hang on the whole "balance" concept.


    Then there's the high-water mark of Dexterity Games: Riff Raff. I guarantee: if you set this sucker up at a Christmas party or family gathering you're gonna have people cueing up to play it. The great thing about this one is that there's actually a subtle whiff of strategy at work here.

    All players start off with seven pieces of flotsam and /or jetsam as well as a small deck of cards numbered one to ten. Every turn players select a card and reveal them simultaneously. The cards determine two things: who plays first and where you have to load a piece of cargo on the ship. Any given number can only be played once per game so budget them wisely.

    The ship itself is on a cardanic hinge which causes it to list in one direction if too many pieces are placed on one side. If things tumble off the ship during your watch you can try to catch them. Anything snatched out of mid-air is thrown out of the game but pieces that hit the board or the table are added to your stockpile as a penalty.

    The winner is the first person who gets rid of their last piece or the person who gets rid of most of their crap after all ten cards are played out.

    The strategy really comes out of the card play. For example: if the ship is badly tilting in one direction you'll want to play cards to sway things back in the opposite direction.

    PROS: Looks amazing. The construction is an engineering marvel. There's actually a teensy bit of strategy. It's incredibly absorbing.
    CONS: It's a bit harder to explain than the others. Only four people can play at a time.


    And then there's the new kid on the block: Rhino Hero.  

    Gawd, how I love Haba Games. It's like they built their entire business model on how much adults hate playing Candy Land with kids.

    This one's like a combination of Jenga meets Operation. On any given turn, players built the walls of a skyscraper based on the last floor card played and then add their own. Some of these cards have special icons that screw around with the regular rules of the game. For example you could force the next player to take two turns in a row, reverse the order of play or make the next person move the titular ungulate up a level. Sure, Rhino Hero is well-intentioned but every time the fat bastard moves he threatens to send the whole thing tumbling down.

    The first player to get rid of all of their roof cards wins! Conversely, if the tower collapses the person who dumped most of their roof cards wins!

    PROS: Colorful. Nail-biting. Easy to play. Wins are more satisfying than Jenga. You can really screw over your opponents.

    CONS: Some might struggle with the card symbols. When Aunt Mildred and Uncle Bill come barging through the front door the tower might blow over.



    "Flick You, You Flickin', Flicker."

    There are tons of flicking games out there but, IMHO, none do it better than Flick 'em Up.

    The charming components, the western theme and the easy, programmable rules make this a real winner. The first scenario is super simple: it's just five lawmen and five desperadoes trying to ventilate one another over the course of six rounds. Each faction alternates back and forth, flicking the movement disc to maneuver their l'il wooden cowpokes around obstructing cacti, fences, hay bales, and buildings to get a clear shot at enemy varmints. If you hit an opponent with the bullet disc and knock 'em over you deal a point of damage and when someone gets hit three times they're off to Boot Hill.

    PROS: Massive curb appeal. You can keep up to ten people amused at a time. Easy to play. Rules expand naturally as you keep playing.

    CONS: The tsunami of bits may look intimidating to the average schmoe so be prepared to teach it quickly. Also be warned: the components are super-attractive to kids and / or pets so keep a close eye on things to avoid a festive trip to the Emergency Room.


    Another solid choice is Tumblin-Dice. Each player alternates flicking, bouncing or pushing one of their four die off the top platform, trying to get their die past the foul line and keep it on the board. Wherever the die ends up the score multiplier kicks in. Naturally knocking your opponent's dice off the board, shuffle-board style, is a major part of the strategy.

    Whoever has the highest total over the course of four rounds wins!

    PROS: Super simple. People love the shuffle-board style game play. You can expand the number of players just by cannibalizing six-siders from other games.

    CONS: This fucker is expensive.


    "And By Game I Assume You Meant 'Card Game', Right?" 

    Sometimes you can get certain people on board just so long as the game doesn't have a...board

    Sushi Go! is a fantastic little game that takes the card drafting mechanic from 7 Wonders and distills it down to its simplest form. 

    Players get "x" number of cards based on player count. Everyone picks the card they like the most, conceals it face down in front of them and then everyone reveals their picks simultaneously. The remaining cards are then passed on to the left. You rinse and repeat this action until all of the cards have been passed out, the goal being to have the best scoring tableau siting in front of you by the time the round ends.

    For example, the person with the most Maki Roll symbols on all of their cards will net themselves six points with the runner up getting three. Every pair of Tempura will give you five points while a set of three Sashima gets you a whopping ten points. Dumplings stack in value so two is worth three points but four gets you ten. Nigiri are face value but if you dip 'em in a a pre-played Wasabi card you triple their value. Finally, Chopsticks give you a bonus play while Puddings are only tallied up after three rounds of play. 

    PROS: Disarming sushi theme will put everyone at ease. Game play is fast and furious with no down time. Lots of scoring options.

    CONS: Even though the drafting mechanic is pretty simple some people might have a hard time with it since it has no precedent. I.E. prying the remaining cards from players hands after a draft can sometimes be a real challenge.


    Back in the mid-Nineties, Magic: The Gathering publishers Wizards of the Coast actually produced a line of quick and easy card games specifically advertised to help gamers cope with family gatherings. One game in particular was so good that it stood the test of time and is still in print today. And that game is Guillotine

    You can sell this one by telling potential players that it's the only game in your collection that comes with a l'il cardboard Guillotine. In this one, twelve "Nobles" are lined up in front of the titular execution device. On your turn you have the ability to play an Action Card to alter the line up, which is great since the last thing you have to do on your turn is lop off the noggin of the poor jobber that's closest to the guillotine. 

    Ultimately what you're trying to do is collect the heads of unpopular assholes like "The Judge" while avoiding the pates of nice people like "The Martyr". After the skulls of thirty-six random Nobles have been distributed around the table you add up your tally and the player with the most positive points wins.



    PROS: The coal black humor will amuse your cool family members.
    CONS: The coal black humor will horrify your prudish family members. Or is that another "PRO"? Hmmmmmmmmmmm...

    Cherry Picking is a fabulous new set collection / trick taking game that borrows elements from several of the games I've already mentioned while still managing to be its own animal.

    To get started you just lay out six colorful cards representing the fruit-bearing plants in the game and then pair each one up with a random card. Once again, players pick a card from their hand based on what plant they want to harvest from and then all cards are concealed and revealed at once. Then things are played out in the following order:
    • Ladders get to "cherry pick" anything on the table, but if multiple Ladders are played then all of them are chucked into their respective scoring piles and no fruit is "picked".
    • Next up are Wild Cards which also let you pick from any tree. However, if more then one of these things hits the table they're all thrown out for zero points!
    • The player who dropped the highest value fruit card plucks the card from the matching tree. If multiple people played on the same tree, then the law of diminishing returns will likely kick in! 
    • Finally, Baskets can gather up any remaining fruit card that hasn't been picked yet. This could either result in a real bargain or a giant pile of bupkis.  
    At the end of the game players add up all of their face value points, matching sets, Ladder and Basket cards and whoever has the most points wins!

    PROS: Colorful. Contentious. Easy to "pick" up, seewhutIdithur? The variety of card plays and point sources keeps this one "Farmers Market" fresh.
    CONS: Some people might be confused by the card plays and the scoring system. We call those people "idiots". 


    The final entry in this category is a game that's sure to put even the most skittish card player at ease: Diamonds.

    If your audiences's enjoyment of a game is entirely predicated on seeing face values and suits, then go with this one. At it's heart, Diamonds is a simple trick-taking game like, um, Hearts. But three things make the game interesting for veteran gamers:

    (1) You use a cardboard stand up screen and shiny plastic gemstones to keep score. Diamonds in your "Showroom" out front are worth face value but anything squirreled away in the back "Vault" is doubled in value. That way you have no idea who's winning until the very end!  
    (2) Whenever you take a trick you activate one of four suit-based special actions involving the screen and / or the gemstones. For example, winning a heart-based trick lets you take a diamond from supply and place it in your Showroom while diamond tricks let you take a gem from the supply and place it directly in your Vault. Boo-ya! 
    (3) Whenever you can't follow suit you also get a trick-taking action! *whut, whut?*   

    PROS: Traditional card-game trappings makes it appear safe and familiar for scaredy-cats. Trick taking mechanic will have you cursing out opponents. The diamonds and the player screens will keep veteran gamers hooked and the winner in doubt right up to the very end.
    CONS: Card snobs might think that the screens and the diamond tokens are too "gamey". As if anything could be.



    "He Puzzled And Puzzled 'Till His Puzzler Was Sore."

    If you're looking for something colorful, familiar and "thinky" that won't cause civilian's heads to explode like Louis Del Grande in Scanners, look no further than Blokus

    This one's great: every player gets an identical set of candy-colored, Tetris-like playing pieces and then picks one of four corners to start in. The placement rules are simple: all pieces of the same color have to be placed corner to corner but pieces of a different color can be played adjacent to one another. The goal of the game is to get rid of as many of your pieces as possible.

    This is a wonderful spacial relations-type game where it pays to be kinda aggro and go after your rival's corners. By rights it should be called Invasive Species: The Board Game.

    PROS: Colorful, familiar and edible looking pieces. Strategic and vaguely brain-burny without a metric shit-ton of rules. Quick to play.

    CONS: Limited to four players. Dumb toddlers might mistake the playing pieces for Jolly Ranchers, so unless you want a festive trip to Emerg, be warned. 



    "C'mon, Baby, Daddy Just Needs To Beat Aunt Mildred!"   

    If folks just want a simple Vegas-style odds-making dice game then sit 'em down for a spot of Roll For It!

    The game begins when you turn up three cards at random that show what combination you're trying to roll with your six dice. For example, if there's a card that requires a "2", a "3" and a "6" for five points and I roll a "2" and a "3",  I can place the matching dice there, hoping to roll a "6" on my next turn. However, if my opponent comes along and rolls this exact combo on one throw they can capture that card, bump my dice back to me and they're on their way to the forty points required to win.  

    It's so simple even a lead-poisoned chipmunk could play it.

    PROS: Lotsa pretty dice, which are always fun to roll. You can split your dice up among several cards but, of course, this decreases the number of dice you roll next turn. The game plays quick and doesn't overstay it's welcome.
    CONS: I'll just leave this right here.   

    #rollfor it #cockstorm

    Cards Against My Nerves

    Cards Against Humanity sucks balls. There, I said it. It's nothing but a prefab sense of humor in a box for people born without a funny bone. Or a conscience. Mercifully there are plenty of other, considerably better games out there that involve novel concepts like wit, creativity and a modicum of intelligence.

    In Snake Oil players take turns being customers. Everyone around the table has a bunch of product cards so they pair two of them together and that forms the basis of a sales pitch. For example, if I was a "Caveman" you had "Beard" and "Brush" you could put 'em together and say something like "Hey, look, dude, I didn't wanna say anything but it looks as if you've got about a week's worth of mastodon tangled up in that thing." And in response I might say "Duly noted!" 

    The next person could partner up "Stone" and "Paint" together and say "Yo, Korogg, I know you ain't got no Wi-Fi in dat hobbit hole o' yours, so you prolly bored as a mother-f#cker up in dat bitch. But, check this, wif  'Stone Paint' you can exercise them creative muscles, craft yo' masterpiece, rake in tha' Benjamins and move up to a dee-lux crib in the upper east mountainside." To which I would say "Fuck you, you can't get rich with art...'Beard Brush' wins!" and give the point to the other guy. The game ends when everyone gets a chance being a Customer.

    PROS: I just told you all of the rules. The selling component is surprisingly fun. The combos and the resulting pitches can be creative and unexpectedly funny.

    CONS: Just like in Cards, the winner of the round is a single arbitrary pick.  


    Another viable option is Say Anything. In this one players pick one of five different questions to read out loud like "What is my favorite 80's metal band?". Everyone around the table has a mark n' wipe board so they can answer the question any way they like: total creative freedom. The "judge" then picks their favorite answer by locking their choice in with a secret voting thingamajigger. Then everyone around the table has to get into the judge's head and use their two voting chips to guess what answer they picked. You can hedge your bet on two different options or double down depending on how confident they are. Points are then awarded accordingly.       

    PROS: The wide choice of questions and the mark n' wipe boards really opens up the creativity. The points system makes an actual game out of it. It's a good way to get to know people around the table.

    CONS:  Maybe you don't want to know everything about Aunt Mildred. 


    Finally there's Word Whimsy, which allows you to build something of a creative narrative on every turn. Once again, every player takes a turn being Judgy McJudgerson, reading a random question out loud such as: "Name A Movie That I'd Probably Love". Then everyone else around the table picks out a series of subject cards and tucks them into a l'il cardboard sleeve in the order they want them read, such as "Ash", "Versus", "Kim Kardashian". 

    Then all the sleeves are thrown into the middle of the table, mixed up and the judge randomly reads them out loud, awarding three points to their favorite, two points to the runner up and one point for their third choice. Naturally, the person with the most points at the end of the game wins.
         
    PROS: You can use some, most or all of the cards at your disposal. Awarding variable points make it surprisingly good. There are tons of cards so the combinations are consistently funny, weird and varied.

    CONS:  Things might get a little awkward when Uncle Bill uses "Female", "Extravaganza", "Jell-O", "Wrestling", "Vulcan" and "Nude" to answer the same question above. Ewwwww.


    Anyway, that's just a few quick ideas offa the top o' my head. The thing to remember when picking out a game is:
    1. How many people are playing? Make sure that you have games at your disposal that can accommodate four, six, eight or even ten bodies at a time.
    2. Know your audience. If Aunt Mildred gives out prayer beads as Christmas presents every year it's highly unlikely that she'll appreciate the finer points of Epic Spell Wars
    3. Curb appeal is important. Make sure the components are kept to a bare minimum and they're attractive to look at and maul.
    4. Play time should never drag. Anything longer than an hour is really pushing your luck.
    5. Reading rules verbatim out a manual will drive people away quicker than an invite to peel potatoes for Christmas dinner.
    ***
    Determined to lure folks away from their smartphones, tablets, T.V. screens and monitors for more than ten minutes?  Then click on the images below to learn more about these games and, in turn, wish this blog a Happy and Prosperous New Year!