RPG Review: "Death Frost Doom"

James Edward Raggi IV is an ex-pat American RPG fan, horror movie nut, and heavy metal enthusiast who just so happens to live in Finland. Why Finland? Well, for one, it's one of the METAL-est places on the planet. And secondly, Finland is apparently blessed with an inordinate amount of impossibly hot women. 

Sorry, I digress.

An accomplished indie game designer, James started his career by developing supplements for Old School role-playing games. In order to broaden his creative and financial prospects, Raggi decided to parley the freedoms offered by the d20 Open Gaming License to come up with his own system. Heavily steeped in the earliest incarnations of Dungeons & Dragons but with an eye on updated mechanics and thematic maturity, he developed a framework that would resonate with nostalgic grognards and intrigue curious newbies.

But he still needed a flagship adventure to kick the whole thing off in style, so, on July 22'nd 2009, Death Frost Doom lurched kicking and screaming into our unsuspecting world. Informed by such diverse-yet-unifying interests as horror movies, Lovecraftian oddities, and death metal, the dark, twisted, and psychologically-troubling quest resonated big time with fans. It delivered on a silent promise to make fantasy role-playing games discordant, perverse, frightening and edgy again. Adults weaned on the now all-too-familiar D&D tropes felt gloriously off-kilter again. 

The adventure resonated big time with gamers and pretty soon Raggi's upstart little company was selling tens of thousands of box sets, hard covers, books and PDF's. And then, at the height of it all, Death Frost Doom vanished. The lean and mean introduction to LotFP's own unique brand of "weird fantasy role-playing" had drifted out of print, leaving newer fans desperate for a comeback. Eventually demand for the module became so rabid that Raggi was forced to ponder a return to the well.

Originally Raggi had hoped that his first print of Death Frost Doom would attain a mythical "(Un)holy Grail" status. As a music nut he states in the introduction that "the idea of an out of print 'album' appealed to me. Death Frost Doom was that cult rarity that you only physically had if you were there at the time, that out-of-print first album of a band that had gone on to greater success". In the same breath he also wisely concedes that it's "ridiculous" to have one of his most popular titles locked away in the vault like some sort of Disney-scale asshole.

His compromise: turn the whole thing kit-and-caboodle over to RPG-impresario and celebrated Vornheim author Zak Smith. This strategy was inspired genius; collectors could lord their original edition over people as proof of their indie cred while a slick new incarnation would be coveted by newcomers and veterans alike. The final product, in Smith's own words, maintains the "horror-short-story tone and structure" while replacing as many "handed down bits as possible...with more creepy magic".

So, here then are my observations about Death Frost Doom 2.0:

• The maps are very clear and the iconography used to depict The Shrine is particularly helpful. Those mini monster portraits provide great at-a-glance reminders as to where every arch-fiend is located. 
• The production kicks off with two jet black title pages before the stark declaration of DEATH FROST DOOM pops up. Wow. So scare. Very mood. Much atmosfear.  
• I'm delighted that the main motivator that drives the adventures to THE SCARY-ASS CABIN ON THE HILL is good, old-fashioned filthy lucre. Smith and Raggi provide plenty of suggestions as to how you can incorporate Death Frost Doom into an existing campaign if you don't want to run it as a one-shot. 
• Throughout the entire adventure there's plenty of informal humor to help offset the unrelentingly grim subject matter. I'm particularly fond of: "if time's really short or your players hate your NPC's, start at the Graveyard".
• I really appreciate all the branching options available to the players in tackling their ascent on the mountain.
• Being a major huge sucker for random tables I was thoroughly amused by the whole "Where Is Zeke?" chart. Things like this really spice up the game for both players and game masters alike, especially if they've run it before. One minor quibble: the last time I checked "Crying" isn't a place. 
• Another nice touch: Smith and Raggi provide no less than four different incarnations for Zeke, who is essentially Death Frost Doom's answer to Crazy Ralph from Friday the 13'th. Each one has its own appeal but personally I'm a fan of the William Faulkner / Nick Cave option which should be served up with a mandatory shot of bourbon. Whatever option you pick there's plenty of conversational grist for your PC's to chew on.
• I really dig the eerie, slow-burn build up to The Peak, which even comes with a thoughtful accompanying musical suggestion. Hoary settings like the Graveyard and spooky trappings like the tree all help contribute to the foreboding mood. Once the adventurers get inside the Cabin, the wiggins get cranked up to "11" thanks to some Seven-style magical runes on the wall and a Necronomicon-style tome just lying around like a particularly-unholy copy of InStyle. 
• Between the ominous-looking trap door and the stag head mounted on the living room wall, Raggi should probably mail a couple of royalty bucks to Sam Raimi. 
• Speaking of, I'm almost 100% sure that Smith and Raggi deliberately left these early horror movie tropes lying around just to lull PC's into a false sense of security. As soon as they walk inside that Cabin most players will probably expect the same ol' "ooga-booga" they've seen a million times before. Little do they know that Death Frost Doom's secret goal is to annihilate every one of those expectations by shattering the collective minds, hearts and souls of all who are foolish enough to venture inside.
• Raggi and Smith hint at what's to come with some early "WTF?!?" moments like the painting in the Cabin's sitting room and the globes in the High Priest's quarters.
• Did I mention that I loves me some random percentage die charts? The one for "Lotus Powder" is particularly good and can actually be used in a bunch of different situations.
• Things quickly get hella-punishing in the Crypt. In case you haven't already figured this out, it's probably a good idea to have a ream of pre-made character sheets lying close by. 

• Several things in the adventure can only be triggered by a seemingly-random combination of player actions, some of which are so unrelated that they'll never be discovered. Two examples of this are the eyes and the marbles of the clock or the hands in the table chamber. Thankfully most of the puzzles have enough clues for observant and wily PC's to pick up on. For example, not only does the organ in the chapel call back to previous discoveries it also rewards players with a cheeky sense of humor.
• By the time your PC's are finished running rampant in the adventure like ADD-stricken toddlers who've been gobbling chocolate-covered coffee beans like Pez, the game master is gonna have a lot of side notes to contend with. Personally I love this but all of the conditional things triggered during the adventure are going to have a lingering effect on both your PC's and your campaign. As such, Death Frost Doom wouldn't be my first suggestion for neophyte game masters to run but veteran campaigners are gonna have a blast with this consistently-surprising living nightmare. 
• I really dig the skull-themed timing mechanism. Not only is it creepy enough to unnerve the most jaded dungeon crawler it also forces game masters to brush up on their time-keeping rules. Minor demerit: it forces game masters to brush up on their time-keeping rules, which, IMHO also makes Death Frost Doom a less-than-idyllic pick for inexperienced Dee-Ehms.  
• In a refreshing bit of design candor The Crypt comes complete with not one but two indoor terlets!
• Raggi and Smith provide some great rules for raiding a library. The books themselves are gruesomely sadistic and hideously creative.
• Puzzles and traps like the The Eye of Many Eyes and the various Fountains exhibit an unrestrained level of imaginative cruelty.
• Raggi and Smith pull no punches when it comes to the subject matter, tapping into some supremely disturbing shit including, but not limited to, a museum of dead children and the charming female inquisitor Eizethrat Nexx.
• What I like most about the adventure is that it's not all about incessant combat. There aren't a ton of monsters but the ones you do encounter are baffling, memorable and psychologically troubling. Plus each one seems to have their own unique powers and motivations which is pretty impressive. And even though I'm not particularly fond of monsters that steal experience points, it actually feels kinda apropos here. Besides, you can always tweak this if you find it a bit too punishing.
• In terms of nuts-n'-bolts writing, Death Frost Doom contains some fantastically-vivid passages. I challenge anyone to find a description like cool in any other RPG product: "the streaks of discolored liquid will be seen sliding along the walls and ceiling and seeping into the stone like rain against a car window in high wind." Anachronistic, maybe. Evocative, absolutely.
• The central secret at the heart of the adventure is gleefully subversive. Once again Raggi and Smith give us no less than four different ways game masters can manifest this.
• The kooky effects produced by translating the various manuscripts found lying around the Crypt are darkly amusing and patently evil.
• Under the "Why-Hasn't-Someone-Thought-Of-This-Already" category, the "Internet image search" suggestion for some of the monsters is another great idea. After all, what self-respecting DM hasn't Googled up an image for the express purpose of scaring the fertilizer out of your players?

• It was a nice touch for Raggi to include Laura Jalo's original oddball artwork. Having said that the cosmetic face-lift is greatly appreciate since the new interior art by Jez Gordon and cover art by Yannick Bouchard are all top-notch.

***

As a Tomb of Horrors for the modern age, Death Frost Doom is a fantastic addition to any game master's pantheon of fantasy RPG torture devices. And while the mental agility required to contend with all of the time-keeping and persistent, world-altering actions makes it an intimidating choice for tenderfoot game masters, old grognards like me will find a lot to like here. If you've been gleefully murdering player characters for decades, Death Frost Doom is the perfect nightmare fuel with which to torture your players. My advice: pick up a copy and run it as a one-shot around Halloween!

For being well-written, innovative, consistently smart, darkly humorous, well-organized, heartlessly vicious and impossibly imaginative, Death Frost Doom scores six pips outta six.

***

Looking to turn your friends into drooling, mentally enfeebled shadows of Tom Hanks in Mazes & Monsters? Then click on the following image to learn more about Death Frost Doom and help this blog become a Great Old One.

Tales From The MurderMaze

 
I pretty much single-handidly owe my current level of interest in RPG's to Zak Smith.

I first became aware of the visual artist / adult performer / RPG impresario back in April of last year after I wrote a blog series about my formative experiences playing Dungeons & Dragons.  I called the series "I Hit It With My Axe" because that's exactly what my buddy Mark said every time our DM Joe asked: "Okay, Mark, it's your turn.  What do you want to do?"

One day, when I wanted to quickly locate my first post, I 'Googled' "I Hit It With My Axe" and this quizzical vid popped up instead:

The Escapist : I Hit It With My Axe : Episode One: Meet the Party

To be brutally honest, I had no idea what the fuck it was.  The version of D&D they were playing obviously wasn't Fourth Edition.  Indeed, it seemed to be a Frankensteinian patchwork of Basic D&D and AD&D with a large dollop of 3.5 thrown in for good measure.  I was also wondering why the show's camerawork was so shaky and murky and also humored the possibility that the show had been edited with a Slap-Chop.

But back then the concept of watching adults (especially interesting and intelligent adults) playing Dungeons & Dragons in a streaming video was a pretty novel concept.  By Episode Five the show had found its stride.  Zak's creativity as a DM was obvious.  Mandy was obviously a gifted tactician.  Satine was clearly a wily veteran of the game.  Connie played with a deft mixture of passion and avarice.  Laboring under an albatross-like weight of horrendous luck, Frankie was constantly trying to Jedi Mind Trick Zak into exempting her from Sneak rolls.  And although Kimberly Kane was clearly the "Mark" of Zak's group, she also had the ability to come up with some truly inspired schemes.      

In Episode Sixteen, PC death struck the group after a gross tactical error.  By this time, I was completely and totally hooked.  "I Hit It With My Axe" was turning out to be more compulsive viewing to me then anything on prime time T.V.  The campaign's admirable and sandboxian qualities held me completely rapt and, like many fans of the show, I was crushed to see that there were no new shows beyond Episode 36.  To this day, I still hope to see Satine and Connie deal with the Temple of Tittivilla, Bobbi and Kimberly escape from the gnolls and Mandy mount a rescue attempt with a metric shit-ton of female mercs in tow.

I Hit It With My Axe invariably led me to Zak's blog "D&D With Pornstars".  After systematically devouring every single entry I was left with two conclusions:

1. Zak's brain is clearly operating on a different tier then most human beings.  Being creative is one thing but being wildly fucking innovative is another story.  In other words, when most people describe themselves as three-dimensional thinkers, you officially have my permission to laugh in their faces. 
2. The concept that you're somehow playing an RPG "wrong" just because you're not using its current iteration is downright laughable.

Now this last thing might seems like common sense to most folks but to me it was a real revelation.  For years, I was convinced that in order to play D&D "properly" I had to graduate from my Mentzer BECM sets, move into AD&D, and then dutifully pick up Third Edition and 3.5 as they were released.  Mercifully just as I was becoming completely disillusioned with Fourth Edition, Zak and other proponents of the OSR (Old School Renaissance for those not in the know) were there to reassure me that not only was it perfectly acceptable to spot-weld a simple, home-brew skill system onto my 3.5 Character Classes, it was actually preferable.

Even though the OSR movement can arguably be traced back to Ryan Dancey at the vanguard of the Open Gaming Licence, I Hit It With My Axe and D&D With Pornstars provided my first exposure to this philosophy.  Via his blog, I began to follow Zak on Google + and after he shared an RPG Circle with me I quickly saw that this fledgling social media site had a full-blooded gaming community that was alive and kicking.  It didn't take me long to see that these folks were very passionate about certain incarnations of their favorite game, to the point that they were willing to engage in some pretty robust dialogue (I.E.: argue with equally willful people until they flirted with carpel tunnel syndrome).   

All of a sudden the efforts of OSR retro clone designers like Matt Finch, Chris Gonnerman, Stuart Marshall  and Daniel Proctor as well as the creatively unfettered bloggage of Jeff Rients and Mike Moscrip became known to me.  For someone who had very nearly given up on the beloved hobby of my yoots, this was my first invitation to step back into a smaller yet more familiar and comfortable world.  So armed, I decided to galvanize a pool of local peeps into a formal RPG gaming circle, which I really intend to exploit in the coming year.      

Google + had even more surprises in store.  After model, actress, illustrator, and hardcore D&D nut Satine Phoenix drew Zak's attention to the free, multi-person video chat on Google +, they started playing games online.  As Zak recants more efficiently in his original blog post:

"...the gentleman known in gaming circles as Calithena had this idea and he told me and Jeff (Rients):

'Why not use these hangout games like the old games at the very beginning of the RPG hobby, when players carried their characters from game to game, wherever they could find a Dungeon Master?'

So we got together and talked about it and I came up with a stupid acronym and FLAILSNAILS was born."

Although he continues to insist that F.L.A.I.L.S.N.A.I.L.S. is an acronym for Free Location And Inclusion Laws Supporting New And Interesting Leisure Situations, we all know that this just a way for Zak to pimp out his all-time favorite D&D monster. 

Regardless of such underhanded motivations, the idea quickly took root and pretty soon entire online campaigns were springing up everywhere.  Zak was running games as well and after rabidly absorbing Vornheim: The Complete City Kit I became bound and determined to have one of my brittle little Level One characters horribly mangled by him in a Hangout game.

Unfortunately, damnable and persistent reality had other ideas.  Since Zak's based in Los Angeles and I'm in Nova Scotia there's the obvious issue of a four-hour time differential.  If he starts a game at 9 PM his time, that's 1 AM here and quite often these games can sometimes run for three or four hours.  Now, originally I was set to play Wolverine amongst a motley crew of seemingly random supers taking on MODOK in Zak's gleefully unpredictable S.H.I.E.L.D. High-Priority FASERIP series but wires got crossed and it never happened.  In fact, things didn't align for me until December 12'th, 2012.

By the time this happened, Zak had produced yet another new idea.  This time out he'd preside over a mano-a-mano, sci-fi style Murdermaze Deathmatch, kinda like The Running Man but with less Maria Conchita Alonso.  The original post details can be peeped right hur.     

Although I missed the first match on the 11'th (which saw Joe Dimech's sneaky Elf triumph in the six-person battle royale) I was quickly confirmed for the follow-up rumble on the 12'th.

Now that I was in, I started getting kinda nervous.  This would be my very first Google + game and I was pretty sure that every person I'd be battling against had a helluva lot more Hangout experience then me.  The one encouraging thing was that Zak's scenario had only been run once before, ensuring that no one player would be totally familiar with the geography of the Maze.

Coming up with a character that adhered to Zak's instructions became my immediate task.  Since I wasn't limited to traditional fantasy races, I wanted to go with something classically sci-fi.  I've always had an irrational fetish for humanoid reptilian aliens so at first I envisioned Bossk from The Empire Strikes Back or Cayman from Battle Beyond the Stars.  But I didn't want the character to be too competent so I went completely Olde Skool and picked the Gorn from the classic Star Trek episode "Arena".

"MUST...FIND...SEAM...!"

So after rolling a few dice and scratching out some details on a piece of loose-leaf piece paper I eventually sent this off to Zak for his review:

Hey, Zak.

I cobbled together something that vaguely resembles a character.  Let me know if I need to change anything:

Name: Klysssk  Class: Gorn Warrior

STR 15  INT 6 WIS 13 DEX 9 CON 17 REG 13 (Regenerate...roll a REG check to heal CON modifier after a Hit Point loss)

HP: Rolled 7 + 3 = 10         AC: 9 (?)

Attack Bonus (+1 for class):  Melee +3 Ranged +0

Objects:  Gorn Combat Knife:  d4+3
               Net Gauntlet:  (fires 6 rounds, Range 15-65 feet) Otherwise operates like a net in 3.5    
               Players Handbook  

Other chrome:  Poor Manual Dexterity:  -6 to Open Locks...etc
                         Infrared Vision:  20' range 

Let me know if this is alright.

After giving it the once over he wrote back:

• Knife does d6. 
• Net Gun has 3 shots and will cause the foe to lose one turn on a successful hit and then roll to escape on subsequent rounds. 
• AC 10 like everyone else 
• Regeneration will heal d4 hp but not crits 
• Infravision will work on a successful racial check

Done!  Now all I had to do was play the waiting game until 11 pm my time, which was no small feat since I was pretty anxious to get started.  During this seemingly endless spate of time, I wondered what my opponents (Reece Carter, Tim Razler, Logan Smith, Isaac Murphy, Zach Marx Weber and returning champ Joe Dimech) had in store for me.  Going into the match I had only one goal in mind: don't be the first one to die! 

Just prior to 11 pm I heard my computer chime out an invite.  I hopped on, and after solving a niggling  feedback issue, Zak immediately plunged us into the Murdermaze.

Mercifully, the other guys were doing a live commentary of the action during the match, which was great for posterity.  I was way too busy trying to stay alive. 

So, without further ado, here's a play-by-play report of the action:

• Joe's sneaky Elf, who I'll just call Hidey McBlastalot, quickly found a Smoke Bomb.  After adding this to his starting equipment (an Armored Vest and Lasergun), I couldn't help but think that my own chosen load-out was pretty crap in comparison.  After this, Joe passed by a Couch sitting on the hallway and probably wondered if he could use the cushions to asphyxiate his rivals with the smell of ass. 
• My unanswered prayers were quickly answered after I ventured into the first room and found a Teleportation Globe, which would allow me to switch places with anyone in the Maze.  Instantly my brain began to percolate some new strategies.  
• As it turns out, it was a damned good thing that I found that Globe!  Almost immediately I barged into a room where Zach Marx Weber's Murderhobo was running around with his innocuous-sounding Spool Of Monofilament Wire.  His initial attack on me proved ineffectual as did my attempt to snare him with my Net Gun.  
• As this battle raged on, Isaac Murphy's Philosophical Zombie got into a scrap with Logan Smith's Purple Ooze / Gelatinous Dude.  The Ooze quickly got the upper hand and started filling his opponent's undead mush with a surfeit of arm-goo.  
• Meanwhile, Tim Razler's Otterman  found a laptop which, as far as I can tell, he only used to bookmark www.freehototterbitches.com.         
• In the next round, Zach Marx Weber managed to snag my arm in the Wire forcing me to drop my precious Net Gun.  Just as I was about to go out like a chump, I remembered the Teleportation Globe and switched places with Joe's Elf!  As per Joe's testimony: "Just passed the Couch (and) skipped the redecoration.  Then another guy (Yours Truly!) who found the Globe teleported me into his place and he into mine, and now I am being grappled by Zach, so I just shot him in his Hobo face."
• In another part of the complex, Logan's Purple Ooze Dude had very nearly rendered Isaac's Zombie completely unconscious (?).  Just before he was about to put the kibosh on him, my Gorn approached the battle with all the stealth of a charging bull moose.  Logan offered a truce but being stubbornly reptilian I hissed back "I'M IN THE SSSSSS-ZONE" and kept attacking him.  Referee Zak said that this was exactly what the Gorn was hissing to Kirk over and over again during their battle in "Arena". 
• After "treating" us all to an incredibly surreal otter impersonation, Zak continued to adjudicate Zach Marx Weber's life and death struggle against Joe's Elf.  Now completely entangled in the Monofilament Wire, Joe is soon reduced to zero Hit Points. 
• Once again, my crap die rolling caused me to loose the Initiative and Logan started using his blobby forearm as an offensive choking hazard.  Isaac's Zombie came to his senses long enough to heave an Existentialism Grenade, which depressed the shit out of our immediate surroundings and caused everyone to flee.            
• Cursed with "the aim of a stormtrooper", Joe failed to blast the Monofilament Wire not once, but twice!  As per Zak's customized rule set, now that Joe was at zero Hit Points, any subsequent damage would be considered a "Critical Hit".  Sure enough, on the next round, the constricting Wire managed to Resident Evil one of his eyeballs!  Just before Joe got turned into stewing beef, Tim threw a Plasma Grenade into the room, stunning both combatants, springing Joe from his bonds and destroying my late, lamented Net Gun. 
• Joe tried to do some impromptu laser eye surgery on Zach, evoking shades of Ricardo Gonzalo Pedro Montalbán in the process.  I was both amazed and just a tad frightened when Joe and Zak suddenly tag-teamed Khan's entire rant right off the top of their heads: "He tasks me. He tasks me and I shall have him! I'll chase him 'round the moons of Nibia and 'round the Antares Maelstrom and 'round Perdition's flames before I give him up!"   
• Zak promptly followed this up with an original quote which I'll inevitably use on my own players in the future: "Your character knows what you know.  If you know nothing then it's not my fault."           
• No sooner had the Wrath of Khan quote left his lips, Joe snuck off, found an appropriate hidey-hole and started to lick his wounds.  He then sat there skulking, waiting for the chance to snipe someone in the ballz as they passed by.  Zach also crawled off and found a flash bomb in the next room. 
• Wisely, Tim kept hitting and running.  After chucking his Plasma Grenade he made an expeditious  retreat but then promptly triggered a Proximity Mine which someone had glued onto a door earlier in the match.  Just like that he was reduced to zero Hit Points and became a ripe target for Critical Strikes!
• My Gorn continued to fellate Logan's Ooze-pendage.  In an effort to sever the connection I tried to pick him up and shot put him away from me, but I couldn't lift him or chuck him very far.  Mercifully my racial Healing Factor kept off-setting the corrosive damage an we appeared to be at a stalemate for the time being.
• Meanwhile, Murderhobo Zach Marx Weber opened the door and just so happened to witness this bizarre scene, which probably made the average Tool video look like an episode of Wonderpets.  Both Logan and I saw him setting up a trap for us and this time I was the one to propose a truce.  Thinking that we'd have a difficult time offing one another, we formed a hasty detente and then went right after Zach.  Unfortunately, Logan doesn't notice the Murderhobo's hastily-assembled trip-wire and sliced off his own leg!  
• Isaac's poor, mouth-raped zombie tried to crawl away but he was promptly jumped by Tim "Smells Like Burnt Fur" Otterman.  Unbeknownst to both of them, Joe's reconstituted Elf was nearby, waiting for one of them to murdify the other so he could reward the victor with a laser massage to the spine.
• Zach tried to make a fighting withdrawal and I instantly fell into mindless pursuit.  During this, perhaps the most lethargic foot chase in gaming history, Zach picked up a microwave (as Murderhobos are want to do), and drifted it at my head as I came around the corner.  Mercifully it missed me by a scale and I promptly started stalking him down another corridor.  Unfortunately this gave Zach an opportunity to jury-rig a quick Monofilament Wire trap.  Refusing to metagame, I charged around the blind turn, failed my Spot check and then stumbled right into Zach's metallic snare.  
• Seeing that Zach and I were intent on killing each other to death, Logan wisely stood back, popped some popcorn and watched the tilt from afar. 
• Zombie Isaac tried to dive at Tim Otterman's neck with a bite but ended up face-planting himself into the floor.  Tim's flak vest protected him against a subsequent pistol whipping and the Otter brought things full-circle by munching the Zombie's eye right from out of his skull.  As adorably as possible, of course. 
• I finally managed to knife my way out of the Monofiliment Wire.  Just as I got free, Logan decided to huck a Thermal Detonator down the corridor.  It landed at Zach's feet and without further ado, the illustrious Murderhobo was blown to unwashed, foul-smelling bits.  "Never trust an ooze!" Zach lamented.   
• Just as the scrap was reaching a fever pitch, Joe's clearly bored Elf broke cover, calmly waded into the scrap and popped a cap right in Otterman's eye.  "An Eye For An Eye," game master Zak mused.  
• Isaac followed this up by bludgeoning Monsieur Otterman to death with his "Gyrojet", whatever the fuck that thing was.  Without missing a beat, Joe promptly took a bead on the Zombie but missed his over-ripe melon at point blank range!    
• After taking four four points of damage from the Frag Grenade my Gorn soldier shambled out of the corridor, doing his best Wolverine impersonation and regenerating along the way.  Speak of the devil, after lobbing the Thermal Detonator Logan clearly had the foresight to leave the scene of the crime.    
•  In a simultaneous assault, the Zombie blew off Joe the Elf's one good arm and Joe immediately returned the favor.  For the record, both combatants were now mostly 'armless.  BA-dum *TSSSH*.
• Meanwhile, Zach Marx Weber brought in the game's first re-enforcement: a Mini-Beholder flanked by a pair of Guardian Weasels.  Isaac pretty much spoke for all of us when he typed: "Man, I wish I'd thought of that."    
• Zombie Isaac managed to grab the Otter's discarded Pistol but he was still trying to cope with the loss of his primary arm.  Given -7 to hit, the mutilated ghoul completely telegraphed the shot.  Knowing that he was outgunned, Joe threw down a Smoke Bomb effectively obscuring everything in the room and then beat a hasty retreat...
• ...right through the very same door that my Gorn was about to open!  We stood there and blinked at each other for a second before I grabbed Joe by the throat with my free hand.  The Elf responded by blasting me in the chest at point blank range, breaking the death-grip on his neck. 
• Tim re-entered the game, this time re-incarnated as a Squid Cowboy.   Or a Robot Cowboy.  Or a Robot Squid Cowboy; I never did figure that one out.
• It didn't take very long before the two newcomers bumped into each other.  The petite Eye Tyrant failed to Charm the Mechanoid Cephalopod Cowpoke, but his twin Weasels dealt out some pretty hefty damage. Savaged by the two critters, Tim decided to slide down the nearby elevator shaft.  Zach's All-Seeing Floaty Eyeball blasted Tim's Calamari Android Cowboy at the bottom of the shaft with an uninspired but rather effective Magic Missile.  Although no "Darkness" was harmed during the attack, the Magic Missile totally annihilated Tim's Healing Potion.
• After I was given a second opportunity to cut Joe, I decided not to leave anything to chance.  I hurled myself bodily at the Elf, cleanly impaling him and instantly dethroning the current champ!
• Apparently pissed that he'd just lost his Family Heirloom Healing Potion, Squidward Tim fired up at Beholder Zach from the bottom of the elevator shaft and managed to ventilate one of his "air bladders".  *snort* 
• At that exact same moment, Isaac's decrepit Zombie shambled into the room.  Although he manged to pistol-whip Zach's listing Beholder, Weasels invariably ripped his flesh and Isaac's Zombie died.  For the second time, presumably, since he had to die once before in order to come back as a Zombie in the first place.  Sorry.
• Isaac quickly composed a new avatar: Spider-Man's non-union, Mexican equivalent, El Sorprendente Hombre Araña.  Brilliant!
• The Beholder barely had time to pick up the Zombie's discarded gun in his mouth before South-of-the-Border-Spidey showed up and webbed the creature's gob shut, preventing him from issuing any Weasel-related commands.  Ol' Telaraña-Cabeza followed this up with a punch to the Eye Tyrant's dome, breaking one of his eye-stalks.  
• My Gorn faced off against Logan's Ooze for the last time.  So it was in The Beginning, now it is in The End.     
• Given the Mini-Beholder's puny Dexterity and Strength of 6, he had a terrible time trying to tear himself free of the spider-webs. 
• Going into the final battle, my Gorn still had a few Hit Points left thanks to Regeneration and Logan's Blob was on the verge of taking Critical Hits.  The Ooze got the jump on me and shot me dead to rights. With that, Zak declared that I could no longer Regenerate, which quickly evened the odds!  
• Zach's Tooth Balloon finally managed to escape from the webbing and ordered his two Weasely bodyguards to attacks his opponent.  Mexican Spidey reacted by sticking to the ceiling, away from their tiny claws and teeth.  From this vantage point he had absolutely no problem webbing the Weasels to the floor! 
• In an absolutely brilliant move, Logan cast a Grease spell on the steps as I was closing in on him.  That instantly put my Gorn warrior flat on his scaly face.  Naturally, I failed in my first attempt to stand up and Logan decided to pile on by delivering a Critical Hit which fucked up my right leg.
• The Sphere of Many Eyes attempted to masticate our wily hero, but it was a clean miss.  Señor Spidey responded by punching out the Beholder's second air bladder like Doc Pulpo (Google it).  The once-proud creature was reduced to the ultimate indignity: lolling around on the floor like a half-inflated beach ball.  Sad.  
• Meanwhile, my luck went from bad to worse.  After failing to stand up on my second attempt, Mechana-Squid Cowpoke Tim appeared at the opposite end of the very same corridor where Logan and I were fighting.  At first he wanted to target the duplicitous Ooze but Logan was clearly in cover at the top of the steps.  So Tim settled on roasting an eyeball right outta my skull.  It ain't lookin' good, folks.
• Knowing that it was now virtually impossible to stand up, I flipped over onto my back, luged down to the bottom of the steps and attempted to punch Tim square in his Squiddy knutz.  Even though I missed on the swing, it was worth it just to hear DM Zak heave a sign and say "Okay, roll to hit Tim in the nards".   
• Since Tim's Invertebrate Replicant Gunslinger was a second string character, Zak ruled that Tim would have to kill both me and Logan at the same time in order to win!  In order to clip both of us with a bullet, he tried a ricochet trick shot but the punishing -10 penalty completely sunk his chances.  
• Isaac's Luchador Spidey tucked the now-helpless Beholder (who was by now patronizingly singing the Spider-Man theme song) under his arm and web-swung right into the main fracas!  He impulsively webbed Tim's...Whatever The Hell He Was just seconds after he scored a Critical Hit on my other leg!  He also snagged the Ooze, leaving the entire corridor looking like an arachnid bukkake session.
• The Ooze fired off his last shot in an attempt to perforate me, but the extreme enwebification resulted in a miss.  
• Tired of being tucked under Spidey's arm like a personnel file, the Beholder tried to gum his host right in the flank.  With a paltry roll of "4" the "attack" was considered an unmitigated miss.  
• Spidey then attempted to fling the duplicitous Beholder at Tim's...Dude, but that attack roll was whiffed as well.  As you might well imagine, it was getting really difficult to read our die results by then because we were all laughing so hard.
• Now completely out of ammo, the Ooze "petulantly" (as per Zak's description) threw his gun at my Gorn's face but missed.  Shit was gettin' real, yo.  
• Disarmed, crippled, blinded and robbed of my to ability Regenerate, I knew then that I had only one last chance to win.  In typical Gorn-style slow-motion I snatched Tim's gun out of his hand, slowly turned around, took a bead at the Ooze standing at the top of the steps, squeezed off a shot...and then rolled a fucking "4".  A cool plan completely undone by a shite roll!   Damn!!!
• El Tarantella spiked the Beholder, crawled across the ceiling and webbed my Gorn into place.  His goal: to get his webby mitts on the Ooze!  
• Looking to polish me off, the Ooze tried to pick his way carefully down the Greased steps but slipped, caromed down the stairs and, according to Zak, "spread out at the bottom like pancake batter."  
• Zach Marx Weber plaintively asked DM Zak if he could bite both Logan and I at the same time.  All of us cracked up when he was told in no uncertain terms that "your jaw isn't wide enough".  That's what she said.      
• I got another point-blank opportunity to blast Logan with Tim's pistol but this time I rolled a gorramed  "3".  FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
• As per Isaac's final update:  "ZOPHAR (he had a name?) THE OOZE BREAKS FREE AND PUNCHES THE GORN ONE LAST TIME, FINALLY FELLING HIM AND BECOMING THE CHAMPION!!!!"

And with that the Murdermaze Match came to an end with Logan declared the victor.  If I'd only remembered to Regenerate more often and could produce a few decent die rolls I might have won!  Admittedly, Logan's "Grease" spell was pure genius and ultimately, he really deserved the win.

Next day I posted the following status update on Google +:

"Thanks to +Reece Carter, +Joe Dimech, +Tim Razler, +Logan Smith, +Isaac Murphy, +Zach Marx Weber and referee extraordinaire +Zak Smith my very first G+ RPG Hangout game was rife with brutality, surreal set-pieces and slapstick humor."

Indeed.  It's encouraging to know that I can still have a truly memorable gaming experience, even after twenty-five solid years in the hobby.  That Murdermaze Match represents exactly why I love RPG's and the basic ones in particular.  As players that night, we certainly weren't min-maxing weapon yields, justifying how a certain race can be used as a PC or pondering the range of our missile weapons.  We were just trying to push our thumbs into each other's orbital sockets.  I.E. good, clean, unadulterated fun.  

As if this format wasn't cool enough, two days later Zak came up with "Warlords of Vornheim", a "king of the hill" type match in which one team attempts to defend a structure from an attacking team.  Apparently this also went over like gangbusters and although I had a chance to join in, this time of year is just a bit too busy for me.

Hopefully when I get home after Christmas, life will eventually return to normal and I'll be able to venture into the "arena" once again.  Or maybe - *gasp!* - I'll run something over Google + myself!

So, thanks again, Zak.  Your videos, blog posts, books and Hangout Games have done wonders for my re-discovery of this consistently surprising hobby.  I can't wait to kick-start my own Old School Renaissance, just to see where it leads me...

 

      

RPG Review: "Vornheim: The Complete City Kit"

"Vast is Vornheim, The Grey Maze...but I'm not here to bore you with that."  With that, artist, writer, adult film performer and RPG addict Zak Smith placates any ADD types out there and gets right down to brass tacks.  He clearly believes that a good Game Master is mainly someone who can host a decent party.  Although Vornheim: The Complete City Kit isn't going to give you the origins, hair color and blood type of every clergy member in the Church of Tittivilla, it will give you the tools and inspiration to come up with this stuff on the fly.

In the past I've had Game Masters who act like failed novelists.  I remember back in university, a buddy of mine worked on a D&D adventure for a good week-and-a-half before we sat down to play.  Just a few hours into the session my character fell into a well and started to drown after failing several climb checks.  But the DM let me keep trying and trying over and over again until I finally got out.  In doing so he might as well have come out and told me: "Look, your character can't die!  He's pivotal to all the work I've been doing for the past ten days!"  Yeah, needless to say, I refused to play a follow-up session.

Anyone who's watched an episode of I Hit It With My Axe knows that Zak's gaming group is a pretty tough audience.  Satine Phoenix is a veteran gamer.  Connie's play style is decidedly wild card.  Mandy Morbid loves tactical problem solving and testing the boundaries of a sandbox world.  In addition to being supremely confident that her character is so good at sneaking that she should never be called upon to make a die roll, Frankie will often try and backstab anything with shoulder blades.  And Kimberly Kane's main motivation is to, well...hit it with her axe.  Translation: a strictly tethered, rules-heavy, story game ain't gonna cut the mustard with these gals.    

Vornheim: The Complete City Kit is the direct result of this.  As soon as you start reading the book (or if you've been following Playing D&D With Porn Stars) you'll soon realize that Zak's a pretty smart cookie who's clearly been doing this for awhile.  He's quite adept at quantifying gaming mechanics, delving into what makes for a good session and determining why so many other top-heavy RPG supplements (and city settings in particular) sit around collecting dust.

Smith makes every conceivable effort to ensure that Vornheim will never sit idle at your gaming table.  Literally every square inch of the book bears an evocative description, a cool drawing, an original monster or some sort of creatively juicy random table.  Hell, even the front and back covers allow you to generate hordes of animals, monsters, guards, adventurers, locations and multiple attacks with one simple throw of a four-sided die.

Of course, there's probably an entire horde of grognards out there blanching at the prospects of such boiled-down simplicity.  As a recovering rules lawyer, I had a hard time coming to grips with this myself.  But then I thought: What's more important for a good gaming experience?  Spending hours doing solitary world-building only to have your justifiably-willful players ignore what you've done?  Or, worse still, give into the temptation to railroad them down a narrative sluice with an creatively dull pitchfork?

As Zak himself says in the intro:

"Where's the prison?  If I wrote it down then you'd have to look it up, and Vornheim is still Vornheim no matter where you put (it)."      

For some people there aren't any obvious answers to the questions proposed above, but Smith certainly provides plenty of compelling reasons to try things his way.  Fortunately Zak also gives Axe fans just enough detail to feel as if they're cavorting around in the same sandbox whilst giving them express permission to customize things any way they want.  Indeed, his flash-sketches of the environs in and around Vorheim alone will provide plenty of fodder for a slew of new adventures.            

Fans of low fantasy should know right away that vanilla humanity in Vornheim is kinda like the frightened, huddled equivalent of Squee from Johnny the Homicidal Maniac.  The city of Osc Leth alone is partly ruled by six monstrous advisors, each one more loathsome then the last.  It's almost as if the more Lovecraftian denizens of the AD&D Monster Manual legally gained authority through political channels and are now poised to stick it to humanity by law instead of claw.

Here are some observations I made while reading through the book:

• Zak uses his considerable artistic skills to illustrate the elaborately schizophrenic architecture of Vornheim such as The Palace Massive.  Although these are some pretty cool and elaborate-looking constructs, I still have no sweet clue where you're supposed to stable your poor horse in the Eminent Cathedral.
• RE: the section titled "Some People, Places, Things and Ideas in Vornheim" Smith is quick to point out that "it doesn't say 'Important People, Places, Things and Ideas in Vornheim' because few of them are indispensable to the character of the city".  Folks might grouse that some NPC's and monsters haven't been given stats, but I really subscribe to Zak's insistence that "there's no particular reason they couldn't be built to fit adventures for any level".  Because of this, I'm totally convinced that a first-level Zak Smith D&D game would be just as engaging as an adventure featuring characters at "name level".  
• Smith exhibits exemplary writing chops, dishing up evocative passages like: "accusations and small conspiracies metastasize and meld throughout Vornheim like shadows in torchlight."  Noice.  
• The "Oddities and Superstitions" (pages 7-10) and "Law" (page 39) sections are certainly no weirder then what actual human history has served up over the years (I know for a fact that the "Day of Masks" celebration and trials by combat certainly had real-world antecedents).  Amidst Zak's rogues gallery of original monsters, Axe fans will be thrilled to see details on the Wyvern in the Well as well as the uber-creepy homunculi assassin twins known only as The Chain.    
• Zak's approach is put into practice in the "House of the Medusa" mini-adventure.  To give players pause for thought he writes: "if the myths are true, about one-twelfth of the of the stone on the planet should revert to flesh upon (the Medusa's) death."  Although you'd be hard-pressed to interpret this literally, throw-away details like that really had my imagination percolating up an original adventure.  What if a Medusa actually made her lair partially out of the stone bodies of her victims?  If she were killed, the resulting overhead rain of flesh and stone would certainly serve as a nice final "fuck you" to her attackers! 
• The author describes "The Immortal Zoo of Ping Feng" as "a strategic cat-and-mouse game where the GM has control of several cats".  Conveniently, the adventure scales in difficulty according to how much information you're willing to dole out to your players before they venture inside.  Once again, Smith isn't content to let such an exotic place by ruled by some boring generic wizard.  In fact, even veteran dungeon crawlers will be hard-pressed to ascertain the identity of the zoo's true overlord.
• Zak wisely populates the Zoo with abominations of his own design, including a Xortoise, a Vampire Monkey, a Candelabraxian (?) Peryton and the infamous Flailceratops.  These gruesome unknowns will completely horrify new players and also flummox veteran adventurers who've killed more orcs, goblins and kobolds then Mitt Romney's had hot meals.  Speaking of Romney, my favorite creature description is the Demonic Fly, which is "dumb and vicious but has an intricate knowledge of politics".  
• "The Library of Zorlac" adventure and the "Rules for Libraries" on page 41 finally gives players a motivation to collect books.  Although ideally designed for players from Level four to seven, the difficulty can be tweaked by "how clever, aggressive and co-ordinated the NPC's are".  In deliberate contrast to the previous two quests, the Library is positively rife with mind-bending puzzles, many of which have to be solved in order to move from room to room.  The puzzles are pretty inventive and a few of them are downright nefarious.  
• Again Zak serves up a veritable menagerie of loopy librarians and bizarro creatures, chief amongst them being the Dividing Demon who can take control of the PC's in a very unconventional manner.  To balance out the creature's considerable power, Zak declares that "the demon can only inhabit rooms with an even number of living creatures", which almost single-handedly justifies the book's "Superstitions" section back on page nine.  Oh, and librarian Krask's special attack is as nauseating as it is surprising. 
• The Player Commentaries are a real treat and had me pining for the yet-to-be-released episodes of I Hit It With My Axe.  Connie provides my favorite comment RE: The Chain: "it really made me uneasy and unhappy and disturbed and displeased and seemed really hard to kill...no-one likes things that are hard to kill."         
• In yet another example of Smith thinking outside the box, he proposes a very simple but elegant  method of generating city neighborhoods while in-game.  He then goes on to explain: "creating a game supplement which goes into too much detail...forces the GM to memorize names and distinctions invented by someone else before feeling comfortable enough with the setting to use it."  This is probably why I've always eschewed vast city settings like Ptolus in lieu of slapping together small towns with sketchy descriptions of buildings and residents.  The tools provided by Smith actually give Game Masters the ability to improvise a new city visit with tremendous ease and confidence.  The same can be said for Zak's lightning-bolt-fast Urbancrawl Rules and Floorplan Shortcuts.  Bottom line is: if you read this stuff you're gonna get excited and dare yourself to run a by-the-seat-of- your-pants style adventure as well.     
• Although I prefer playing out "Gather Information" and/or "Streetwise" checks as they're rolled (thus slowly building up a stable of contacts for the players), Zak suggests that the PC's should already have a small handful of connections in any given city so long as they've lived there for more then a month.  This certainly gives players the ability to role play as amateur gumshoes right off the bat.
• I'd love to invoke the Chase Rules to watch my PC's try and avoid collision with an overweight vicar.  
• The Item Cost Shortcut is proof positive that Zak is definitely operating on a different level then the rest of us.  In those instances when you really don't want to play out shopping trips or research item costs, Zak breaks every conceivable item down to a penny / nickel / dime / quarter / dollar scheme with the exact price set at "five gp per syllable".  Since a bullseye lantern should certainly cost more then a plain ol' vanilla lantern this actually works surprisingly well.  
• In "God's Chess" an actual game of chess between the GM and a player can have lingering, over-arching influence on the campaign's narrative.  Frankly I think this is a brilliant way to show the PCs they're just one cog in a much larger machine whilst also giving them a hand in word-building.  
• Then there are a slew of wildly inventive random tables which provide harried GM's with instant adventure hooks while giving players a collective ulcer.  As Smith opines: "There are times when the GM saying 'Oh, wait, I have a table for that...' can create far more dramatic tension then any dragon or lizard man."  Say on, brotha.  
• Zak's "City NPC Tables" don't just give us a name (say Sasha of Nexis) and profession (City Militia Chief).  With a couple of quick rolls, we can also deduce that Lady Sasha is inherently shiftless, is an inordinate fan of public executions and once had her palanquin tipped over by a lawyer secretly nicknamed Orrik the Liar.  Man, even rolling that up was fun!  
• The Games listed under the random Tavern Table quickly makes you forget about such innocuous fare as "Three Dragon Ante" and "Knucklebones".  

If convention is the greatest enemy of RPG creativity, then Vornheim: The Complete City Kit is the Bible for this approach.  I plan on running an olde-skool sandboxian one-shot D&D game soon and I can't wait to have this by my side at the table.  The beautiful thing is, Smith is clearly a fan of many different RPG genres and it really wouldn't be too difficult to adapt many of Vornheim's philosophies to horror, western or sci-fi gaming.  We just need a pair of follow-up kits for wilderness adventures and dungeon-crawls (hint, hint!).    


Honestly, I really do believe that Vornheim was written completely in step with Tom Moldvay's sage advice:

"No rule is inviolate, particularly if a new or altered rule will encourage creativity and imagination.  The important thing is to enjoy the adventure."

And let me tell you, there's plenty of adventure to be had here.

With its unbridled creativity, evocative artwork and liberating philosophies, Vornheim: The Complete City Kit is certainly one of the most practical and compulsively readable RPG supplements I've ever encountered.  It easily scores six pips outta six!

             
Looking to pick up a copy of Vornheim: The Complete City Kit?  I got mine from Noble Knight and experienced nothing but impeccable service.

A Kobold Ate My Homework...

Dungeons & Dragons has been an integral part of my life since I was thirteen years old.  As such, I started a blog series about my history with the game back in April of last year.  Inspired by a phrase spouted Tourette's-style by my buddy Mark every six to eight minutes during our Ravenloft campaign, I dubbed this series "I Hit It With My Axe".

Well, a few months later, while Googling myself (early odds-on favorite to win the "Most Inadvertently Pervy-Sounding Pastime of 2012 Award"), this title search invariably brought me to a certain D&D-related video series on The Escapist.   

The Escapist : I Hit It With My Axe : Episode One: Meet the Party

I blasted through these in short order and eventually landed at the salacious-sounding blog of series overlord Zak Sabbath (née Smith).  He's a Dungeons & Dragons ambassador of sorts: a diligent DM and a tireless writer, sometimes posting as many as forty five inspired (and inspiring) RPG-flavored entries in a single month.

Much has been said about Smith's headline-grabbing connections to the alternative adult film industry but frankly, I don't give a shit.  When you get down to brass tacks, the dude is intelligent, perceptive, well-read, artistic and he's obviously madly in love with the same quaintly antiquated girl I'm enamored with.

To be perfectly honest, I think a case can be made that I started this self-same blog just as an excuse to respond to one of Smith's recent posts.  On Wednesday January 18'th, he posted a "GM Questionnaire", thinking about which has done more to re-kindle my desire to play Dungeons & Dragons then anything else I've read in the past five years.

So, now that I'm done publicly fellating the man, here are Zak's questions (in bold) followed by my answers:

1. If you had to pick a single invention in a game you were most proud of what would it be?

As a young Catholic kid I was always fascinated with the concept of God made incarnate.  But in my warped fantasy world, "Jesus" was named Llelewyn and she was the product of an unnatural union between two mortals made similar only in their extremes of good an evil.  This impossible birth somehow usurped the hierarchy of the ruling gods and the resulting Days of Chaos that followed turned my campaign into a pen-and-paper Mattias Grunewald painting for a few exciting months.

2. When was the last time you GMed?

July 16'th, 2011 (*hangs head in shame*)

3. When was the last time you played?

August 28'th, 2011 (*shoots dirty look at DM*)

4. Give us a one-sentence pitch for an adventure you haven't run but would like to.

PC's get pulled into the still-active brain of a comatose wizard where they're forced to win a Laurence of Arabia-style guerrilla war against his imagined rival in order to escape.     Hey, you asked. 

5. What do you do while you wait for players to do things?

Find notes, dig out minis, think of threatening lines of dialogue, think of stupid voices with which to deliver those threatening lines of dialogue, try and silently answer questions like: 'Oh shit, what do I do now?'   

6. What, if anything, do you eat while you play?

I eat anything smaller then I am. 

7. Do you find GMing physically exhausting?

Physically, no.  Mentally is another story, tho...   

8. What was the last interesting (to you, anyway) thing you remember a PC you were running doing?

Scrambling up a rope to ring a bell which prevented a bunch of evil undead beasties from eating our collective faces off.

9. Do your players take your serious setting and make it unserious? Vice versa? Neither?

Talk around the table is decidedly unserious, probably 'cuz the in-game action is often grim as shit.  

10. What do you do with goblins?

I usually let them die by the wagon-load.  To make up for that, I hereby pledge to make all my future goblins more perverse, decadent and hoarier.  Is that a word?     

11. What was the last non-RPG thing you saw that you converted into game material (background, setting, trap, etc.)?

A lake that I hike to in the summer became the site of a deliciously precarious ambush.

12. What's the funniest table moment you can remember right now?

Notwithstanding the one included in my first entry, there was that one adventure where Thomas knocked himself out more times then Curious George with a bottle full of either.  Or when he cleverly employed his much-maligned full-length mirror to creatively knock out a bunch of orcs with a "Sleep" spell.  Or that time he kept randomly casting spells and drinking potions while his character was suffering from amnesia.  As you can tell, Tom often brings the funny...    

13. What was the last game book you looked at--aside from things you referenced in a game--why were you looking at it?

I was looking in the D&D 3 / 3.5 edition manuals trying to figure out why time-keeping wasn't indexed.  Seriously, what were they theenking?

14. Who's your idea of the perfect RPG illustrator?

I'm still convinced that I've yet to see my "perfect" illustrator, but I dig Keith Parkinson, Tim Trueman, (some) Clyde Caldwell, Larry Elmore, early Brothers Hildebrandt and D.A.T for his olde-skool hoary (?) weirdness.  Here's an awesome example:

 

15. Does your game ever make your players genuinely afraid?

Yes.  If fact, if I didn't instill a modicum of fear, I've failed miserably as a DM.  

16. What was the best time you ever had running an adventure you didn't write? (If ever)

Lack of time and sheer laziness caused me to slum with the creatively bankrupt pref-fab adventures included with the 3 / 3.5 Basic boxed sets.  They were universally wretched but knitting them all into a cohesive campaign made them tolerable and then my awesome players made them great.  A grueling defense of a dwarven stronghold besieged by goblins was quite memorable and it was capped off by a dramatically- appropriate PC death. 

17. What would be the ideal physical set up to run a game in?

My players seated in granite-hard chairs around a massive board-of-directors style oak table while I'm ensconced in a twelve-foot-high tennis umpire chair with a massive cotton ball cloud stuck to the bottom of it. 

Oh!  I'd also like to have a dumb waiter attached to the side of my chair so I can lower snacks and/or minis up and down.  

18. If you had to think of the two most disparate games or game products that you like what would they be? 

Agricola (a board game about farming) and Star Wars: Queen's Gambit (a board game which has the distinction of being the only decent thing to come out of the abominable prequel trilogy)

19. If you had to think of the most disparate influences overall on your game, what would they be?

Lapsed Catholicism, conspiracy theories, David Lynch, and John Carpenter's The Thing.

20. As a GM, what kind of player do you want at your table?

Inventive, intrigued, good-humored, easy-going and vaguely terrified.   As a corollary I hate it when people whine and bitch about their bad luck or how much their character "sucks".  Everybody's in the same boat, princess.  Suck it up. 

21. What's a real life experience you've translated into game terms?

Not much since I consider the main function of RPG's is to escape from real life.  Having said that, training large groups of people at work improved my public speaking skills.  My writing and many public readings  have also positively influenced my presentations.  I also think it's relevant that I secretly long to be a ham-ball Adam West-style actor and also harbor a nigh-pathological contempt for authority figures. 

22. Is there an RPG product that you wish existed but doesn't?

I'd like a fifth edition of D&D with a slew of fully-formed, ready-to-play character class templates, a la Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay.  This same edition would also feature a slew of monsters which are, at the very least, as scary as your average drunk driver.  I would like for these books to be written by someone with the weird, creative verbosity of a Gary Gygax and illustrated by the aforementioned Monsieur Trampier.

Thank you.  Hey, I asked nicely!  

23. Is there anyone you know who you talk about RPGs with who doesn't play? How do those conversations go?

My buddy Greg, who used to play D&D with me but now doesn't.  Usually he tells me that "Well, y'know, WOW gives me all of those things now."   But lately his tune is changing.  

*Heh, heh.*

Well, there it is.  I'm sorry that my homework assignment was late, Professor Smith.

But this little dog-headed, pointy-eared bastard ate the first draft...

Credits:

Mattias Grunewald "The Temptation of St Anthony"

Catoblepas by David Trampier

Hoary goblin from here: http://thescary-13.blogspot.com/2010/10/halloween-goblin-wallpapers.html

Kobold illustration by Jim Patrick Guyer.