When I first recounted my tale of D&D discovery I really wanted to include this article, but I didn't have a scanner at the time. Consider this post to be a long-overdue and highly-prized companion piece.
Despite being an irredeemably geeky kid, I'd somehow managed to avoid playing Dungeons & Dragons until I stumbled upon the following two page article in the November 1983 issue of Starlog Magazine:
(P.S. be sure to right-click on these beauties to view them properly)
The concluding paragraph instantly set off a spark of imagination in the tinderbox of my thirteen year old brain:
"It's the Grand Quest of Gaming, and who knows what chills and thrills lurk behind the next door - a planked wooden gate barred ominously on your side. There is no window or keyhole you might peer through, and you can't go back the way you came because the wererats have summoned their giant brethren to help in the assault on your party. You are Ragnok the Halfling, traveling with Anika the Magic-User and the Cleric-Adept Gen U. Flect. A kings ransom - in fact, the king's ransom - awaits you if..."
So that I might accept Sir Kaye's challenge to venture forth with him, I began to save up my shekels to procure a copy of this:
I knew nothing about the game or how it worked. I just knew that I had to find a copy, digest its esoteric (and supposedly dangerous!) contents and play the ever-lovin' crap out of it.
After my Human team came away with a convincing win against Dean's Norse in Blood Bowl, I received the following email from Andrew later that same evening:
"Your win screwed me. It looks like the only way for me to overtake you and make it into the playoffs is to have you lose your last game and have my Orcs win their game. Keep one thing in mind: if you make it into the playoffs as it looks like you will do; you can’t hire Star Players."
The next day Andrew sent a revised chart with the current standings:
Cyclops Death
Horde
Team
Name
Wins
Losses
Ties
Points
TD
For
TD
Against
Differential
Aesgoth
Hammers
3
1
6
11
4
7
Galadrian
Guardians
1
1
3
5
5
4
1
Living
Dead
2
3
1
5
6
11
-5
Regal
Beatsticks
1
2
2
4
5
8
-3
"There are 4 games remaining in the regular
season:
Aesgoth Hammers (Norse) vs Galadrian Guardians (Humans)
Black Forrest Hams (Halflings) vs Kord's Killers (Orcs) Rivendell Ruffians (Elves) vs Black Forrest Hams (Halflings) Regal Beatsticks (Orcs) vs Aesgoth Hammers (Norse)
In the Cyclops Death Horde Division (what the fuck was I smoking when I named the divisions?) the Hammers have the first seed locked up. Galadrian Guardians currently hold the second seed. If the Regal Beatsticks win against the Hammers then they will move ahead of the Guardians and take their playoff spot.
Things are heating up."
Two days before I was set to rematch against the Hammers, I received another communique from Andrew, this time with my Inducement options...
"The Hammers are going into Wednesday's game without Star Guard Lineman Lars. Player Commentary: Lars actually played in this game so I assume that Andrew was actually referring to Lanni.
"Without him their team value is 1770 and the Guardians are at 1260
Dave - you have 510k to work with.
I’d probably go with Morg + Bloodweiser Babe
Or
Griff Oberwald +Wizard or Mercs
Or
Mighty Zug + Wizard + Re-Roll/Apothecary
Hard to beat Morg but Griff and Zug are both really good. What am I saying? I want you to lose! You should hire Puggy Baconbreath and dump the rest of the cash 'cuz you don’t need it. Puggy with your Ogre is a one-turn score option. Not to mention: how many 'Flings do you know with 3 strength?"
Ummmmm...oooo-kay.
For some reason I wasn't feeling quite so lucky with this rematch. After making sure that I could retain an extra Apothecary, I let Andrew know that I was going with Option 4.
Then, on Wednesday June 6'th, this highly anticipated rematch took place!
Aesgoth Hammers (Dean's Norse) vs. Galadrian Guardians (My Humans)
Weather
Roll 11: Pouring Rain (-1 modifier to all catch, intercept and pick-up rolls. Yay!)
Fan Factor Roll
Dean: 9 + 9 = 18
Me: 9 + 3 = 12
Dean got Fame +1. I scored $12,000 for my Gate Earnings and Dean snagged $18,000.
Kick/Receiving Roll
Dean rolled 4 and I got a 1. Dean forces me to kick to him.
FIRST HALF
Scatter
With a 2 for direction and a 4 for range, my kick went deep, slicing off to the right.
Kick Off Table
A roll of 7 signaled "Changing Weather" but with a follow-up toss of 11 the rain continued to pour down!
Dean's Turn One
Balsar the Thrower used "Kick Return" to move three spaces closer to where the ball came down. He failed to conjure up a 3+ and without "Sure Hands", he was forced to burn a Re-Roll. Unfortunately, this also turned up a "1"! Right off the bat it appeared as if Dean's horrendous luck from the last game was continuing!
My Turn One
After adding some additional support on the line of scrimmage, I chose to surround the ball versus going straight for the pick up. After a weeny Push result on my sole Blitz, the rusher found himself out of movement and mired in a Tackle Zone. Mighty Zug moved up four spaces to lend an assist. I couldn't follow up on a late-turn Push against Lars the Lineman since he had the ultra-annoying "Fend" skill.
Dean's Turn Two
Dean pulled back anyone who wasn't tied up in a Tackle Zone. As he began a stunning demonstration of dexterous Dodgery, I kicked myself for not picking up the ball. After casting his third "1" in a row, Dean's Re-Roll proved kinder. After scooping up the ball on his first attempt, he nimbly extricated himself from my zone of control. In order to improve his odds for a successful pass, Dean tried "Going For It" once but rolled - you guessed it - another 1. His rusher went down in a heap and with an Injury Roll of 34 he was out for the rest of the game!
My Turn Two
My initial Push did little to clear a path to the ball. After adding an Assist, I finally leveled a solid Block and Stunned one of Dean's defenders. I tried to swarm my opponents with Zug and another Blitzer, which gave Solonius Myrmidon a chance to recover the ball. Unfortunately, between Dean's numerous Tackle Zones and the shite weather, I needed to roll a "6" and got a "1" instead. The ball Scattered back towards my end zone. Since my Thrower was still one Movement point shy of the pig (?) skin I dropped a few late hits to try and knock down some of Dean's players. A Zug-assisted 2-die Block by my Ogre on Dean's Snow Troll turned up a Skull and "Both Down" result. Immediately I cursed Dean for talking me out of using a Re-Roll, since the subsequent Injury check broke my Ogre's armor and saw him carried off the pitch! Worse still, my Casualty Roll of 61 threatened DEATH so I had to use one of my Apothecaries to re-roll. Mercifully, the follow-up of 24 just put him in traction for the balance of the game. This would prove to be an omen for things to come.
Dean's Turn Three
To create some room to maneuver, Dean Pushed, Knocked Down and then Stunned one of my players with a Frenzied Blitzer. His downed Snow Troll leapt up and tried to Blitz Zug with one die. With an "Attacker Down" result, Dean Re-Rolled and scored a considerably better "Push". He followed this up with a ballsy two-die uphill Block. The resulting Push continued to clear a path to the ball. After moving some additional muscle into the scrum, he leveled a premium two-die Block on another one of my defenders. This knocked him into the ball space, which scattered no less then six times before one of my players picked it up after rolling a "6"!
My Turn Three
Zug attempted a two-die Blitz on one of Dean's minions but only managed a Push. This failed to free up any wiggle room, making any future maneuvers insanely risky. Between a Tackle Zone, the crap weather and the Disturbing Presence of Sakarias the Snow Troll, I needed to roll a "6" to hand the ball off to one of my Blitzers. Needless to say, both the initial attempt and my Re-Roll failed miserably and the ball scattered another four times before landing in an empty space!
Dean's Turn Four
With a Guard assist from the Snow Troll, Boe the Blitzer attempted to clothesline Lineman Slayde Darkwell. Although the initial hit was a Push, the follow-up Frenzy attack scored a "Defender Stumbles" result. Since Slayde doesn't have the Dodge skill, he went down in a heap! Two more Frenzy-fueled double-die Blocks served up a flurry of Pushes. Exploiting his superior numbers, Dean dropped another of my players with an advantageous Block. Having carved out a clear path to the ball, Baldur the Thrower moved up five spaces and then tried to recover the ball. He nabbed it on the Sure Hands re-roll, moved one more space and then "Went For It" once to facilitate a Hand Off. This succeeded on a Re-Roll and the rusher wasted no time hauling ass seven spaces down field. In a final play, Lineman Lars exploited an assist by flattening one of my defenders.
My Turn Four
Three of my horizontal players shakily got to their feet. In an effort to surround Dean's rusher, I managed to Dodge Collwyn my Thrower out of a web of Tackle Zones. Blitzer Giden Fletcher failed on his first attempt to do the same, but the crisis was averted by spending a Re-Roll. The resulting two-die Blitz bowled over the rusher and the ball bounced one space closer to center field. Gideon used his last Movement Allowance point to try and collect the ball, but I borked the roll. Mercifully, the ol' pigskin bounced back to Collwyn, who managed to get a grip on it. Unfortunately since he'd already moved that turn, all I could do was try and protect him. Very unfortunately, Zug "Skulled Out" on a one-die Block, leaving my poor Thrower high n' dry.
Dean's Turn Five
Dean's luck may have been shaky at first, but by now the dice were taking his requests. He pasted a player of mine with a one-die "Defender Stumbles" result. He pulled another one of his minions back to flank my Thrower, scoring a successful "Go For It" once. With the foreplay dispensed with, Birger "Jumped Up" and bowled over my Thrower with barely any effort. The ball scattered to a free space and the Blitzer attempted to duck n' weave onto the ball. The first roll tanked but since Birger had the Dodge skill, Dean got to re-roll, successfully this time. The subsequent pick-up check worked flawlessly so Birger was able to run it in for the first touchdown of the game!
Player's Note: This would have been the best possible opportunity to use the Wizard's "Fireball" spell but I'd already forgotten that I'd purchased it. This was one of several glaring fuck-ups I made during this game.
Dean's Kick-off roll scored "Cheering Fans" giving the putz an extra Re-Roll!
My Turn Five
Dean inadvertently kicked the ball directly into my line of scrimmage. Since this was considered an "Inaccurate Pass" I needed to roll a 4, 5, or 6 to catch it but the crap weather reduced this to a 5 or a 6. I rolled a "3" so it scattered ahead, giving one of my front-line defenders a chance to pick it up. Unfortunately, due to Dean's gauntlet of Tackle Zones, I now needed a 6! I rolled a "5" and the ball finally came to rest in a free space. My Thrower moved four spaces, grabbed the pill, moved two more spaces, "Went For It" twice and then hurled the ball for a "Quick Pass". My 3+ roll worked as did the 4+ roll required to catch it. Now armed with the ball, my rusher quickly sought refuge in a makeshift cage. I then chose to perform a few defensive hits, the first Stunned Lineman Lars but I couldn't follow up due to his stupid "Fend" ability. Zug and Erik of Heldmark teamed up to drop an Ulfwerner like a bad habit.
Dean's Turn Six
Dean kicked things off with a stellar two-die Block, stunning one of my defenders. He then expended a six-point Movement Allowance to call in a re-enforcement from the flanks. This set up another two-die Block on one of my Blitzers, but they just ended up butting heads after Dean rolled "Both Down". Although this seemed to foil Dean's plans somewhat, he managed to assuage his disappointment by felling another member of my roster with a two-die Block. This freed up Sakarias the Snow Troll for a high-profile Blitz, but ended up "just standing there and playing with his wiener" after failing his "Wild Animal" check. A pair of double-die Blocks resulted in two Pushes while a couple of single-die gambits produced an ineffectual "Both Down" result and another Push. After lamenting that he did things out of order, Dean was now facing a two die uphill Block in order to bust up my drive. Naturally I picked yet another completely moot "Both Down" result instead of "Defender Stumbles". In a last minute decision, Dean threw a one-die Block with Lasu the Lineman, rolled a Skull and got him knocked the fucks out for the rest of the game, giving Gailen Huntsman "credit" for the Casualty.
My Turn Six
My first two-die Block of the turn was a Double-Skull. I Re-Rolled it, this time scoring a Knock Down. Tyrian Silvershield maneuvered seven spaces to try and re-constitute something which vaguely resembled a cage. Zug plowed one of Dean's Ulfwerners (and not in a good way). Another successful two die Block continued to clear a lane for my rushers. I moved a Lineman six spaces to try and gum up Dean's mobility.
Dean's Turn Seven
Birger expertly dodged out of my sphere of influence and moved six spaces in an effort to stall my progress down field. Boe "Jumped Up" and attempted to Dodge out of my tackle zones. Given the Blitzer's unearthly Agility of 5, this was pretty much a foregone conclusion. Boe moved three spaces and followed through on a nasty tackle, scoring a "Defender Stumbles" result which put my guy in the dirt. To get ahead of the pack he managed to successfully Dodge out yet again. After finally clearing the "Wild Animal" test, Dean's Snow Troll smoked the closest Lineman with a "Defender Stumbles" result. An Ulfwerner's two die Block initially resulted in a simple Push but the follow-up Frenzy felled his quarry in the end.
My Turn Seven
One of my unimpeded Linemen moved four spaces to get all up in Dean's bidness. Two knocked down players stood up. 4-Strength Lineman Erik of Heldmark and one of his peers both dropped two-die Blocks but only succeeded at shoving their opponent around the field. This severely curtailed my mobility, forcing one of my players to Dodge. I needed a 3+ and rolled a "3", springing him from his invisible prison and allowing me to spend two Movement Allowance points to follow through on a Blitz. I re-rolled the initial Double-Skulls and got a much more palatable "Defender Down" result. I moved one more space, collected the ball and then moved four more. In a misguided effort to distance my breakout Blitzer from Dean's forces I decided to press my luck by "Going For It". First I rolled a "5". Okay. Great. Awesome. Then I rolled a fucking "1" and found myself sucking turf just one space shy of the End Zone (which is precisely where the ball ended up landing). To add insult to injury, my Blitzer was Knocked Out by the face plant. Player's Commentary: Without a Re-Roll to spend, this was pure folly on my part. Having said that, I only had one turn left to score and I was terrified that Dean would just end up swarming me on his next turn.
Dean's Turn Eight
The inhumanly agile Boe Dodged out of light coverage, moved six spaces, "Went For It" once, hooked a cable knit sweater, taught a squirrel how to play chess, picked up the ball, "Went For It" a second time and then fired a Accurate pass at Short Range that was easily reeled in by Cato! The Catcher then used his Dodge ability to re-roll, ducking and weaving seven spaces past my shell-shocked Guardians. Sakarias failed his Wild Animal roll (again). Not willing to jeopardize the safety of his players on a bunch of risky one-die Blocks, Dean called a premature end to his turn.
My Turn Eight
Knowing that I had no way to score in one turn, I moved one of my players up to re-enforce a prospective hit. I Dodged a unit out on a roll of "6" but the resulting Blitz conjured up two pointless "Both Down" results. Since my Blitzer didn't have "Dodge" he went down like a sack of wet newspapers and was carried off the pitch as a Casualty.
Half-Time Score
Aesgoth Hammers 1 Galadrian Guardians 0
SECOND HALF
My Knocked-Out Blitzer remained in traction. Fucksticks.
Scatter
With a directional roll of 6 and a drift of 3, Dean's second boot was identical to the kick off at the start of the game!
Kick-Off Table
With a 9, Dean rolls up a "Quick Snap". I got a chance to move all of my players not impeded by Tackle Zones by one square!
My Turn One
I retrieved the ball, moved two spaces and attempted a Hand Off to one of my Linemen, nailing it on a roll of "6". He then moved six spaces into a formative cage. My waning manpower was beginning to factor in, since I could only find one advantageous Block against Lars. I managed to put him down but my Spider-Sense immediately started tingling after Dean opted not to use the Lineman's Fend ability (presumably to lure my player into a Snow Troll-powered trap). Finally, I attempted a desperate one-die Block but the "Both Down" result proved inconclusive amongst the two Blitzers.
Dean's Turn One
Dean started his turn with an innocent Push and followed this up by stripping my Lineman of the ball. Star Blitzer Boe then did a flawless Neo impersonation by acquitting himself from a Tackle Zone, moving two spaces, cleanly avoiding yet another hit and then using his Dodge skill to try and snag the ball. Unfortunately, he boggled the thing and it popped out right next to me.
My Turn Two
I also began my turn with a Push on a two-die-Block. One of my rushers surged ahead three space and tried to steal away with the ball, failing at first but winning it on the Re-Roll. He then moved three more spaces amongst a loose cluster of bodyguards. I managed to ferret out another advantageous Block and knocked down another enemy. Finally I came up with a Push and a stand-off on two grasping-at-straws single-die Blocks. Sensing that I was flirting with disaster, I wisely decided to put this anemic turn out of its misery.
Dean's Turn Two
Birger the Blitzer charged eight spaces (successfully "Going For It" twice) in an effort to take down Lineman Slayde Darkwell. Unwilling to settle for the standoff proposed by his one-die "Both Down" result, Dean spent a Re-Roll and got "Defender Down", which was more to his liking. The ball bounced back to Birger but it proved to be slipperier then Saturday's soap. It settled on the ground close to my rushers. Rather then make another Dodgy play for it, Dean settled on a two-die Block which worked out well. My sprawling player landed in the space with the ball, which scattered around six times before finally coming to rest on a free space. Without any more options, Dean Dodged a Blitzer out, moved six spaces, "Went for It" once to get to the ball, but then flubbed his 3+ pick-up roll. Without a Re-Roll, the ball merrily went bounding away to another free space.
My Turn Three
I dispatched a re-enforcement from the flanks to try and retrieve the ball. My first attempt on 5+ failed, but the Re-Roll was money. Sadly, with no Movement points left I was all balled up with no place to go. I attempted to give myself some breathing room with a two-die Block but got yet another furshlugginer double-Push. To compensate, I pulled a Blitzer in seven spaces to act as a escort.
Dean's Turn Three
Dean continued to use his superior numbers against me, but his first two-die Block only resulted in a love-shove. Kjelli, the Hammer's answer to The Flash, ran back seven spaces and delivered a one-die Blitz which laid out the ball carrier. Another two-die Block Stunned Lineman Thorn Morrow. In order to retrieve the ball, Baldur the Thrower burned a Re-Roll to successfully "Go For It". After moving five spaces, he tried to grab the ball but failed, even on the "Sure Hands" re-roll. The ball scattered out to a free space, signifying the end to Dean's turn.
My Turn Four
I managed to render Kjelli the Runner unconscious on a one-die Block. One of my players "Went For It" once to Blitz Lars the Lineman, Pushing him back. I then "Skulled Out" on another one-die Block, making for an abbreviated turn.
Dean's Turn Four
Dean charged right out of the gate, moving six spaces to bowl over Martin Aurelian with a Blitz. This set up a nice two-die "Defender Stumbles" Block which felled another one of my Dodge-deprived players. Now with a clear avenue to the ball, Baldur the Thrower performed a sexy shuck and jive to get onto the ball space. He promptly picked it up and hustled his maximum six spaces towards my End Zone. While trying to give the ball carrier an escort, Cato the Catcher failed to clear one of my Tackle Zones and went down in a heap of furry boots, horned helms and nipples.
My Turn Five
One of my downed Lineman crawled to his feet and limped adjacent to Baldur. In order to set up a Blitz, I managed to put Boe on his Nordic ass. The following double-die charge became a bust when I rolled a Skull and a "Both Down" result. As a consolation prize, Zug sent Lineman Lars a-flyin'. In a desperate effort to throw more obstacles in front of Dean's inexorable progress down field, I risked a bone-headed Dodge which failed miserably.
Dean's Turn Five
A prone player shakily swayed onto his feet. Dean used an advantageous Block to Push one of two impediments away from the ball carrier. Boe "Jumped Up" for free, charged five spaces and easily knocked away my final obstacle. Baldur then ran the ball in for an easy touchdown!
Player's Commentary: Literally a minute after this photo was taken, I finally remembered that I had the fucking Wizard and his "Lightning Bolt" spell. Unbelievable. Since I'd never used this Inducement before I really could have used a Wizard figure to serve as a visual reminder that this resource was available to me.
***
Neither of our Knocked Out players came back into the game.
Scatter
Dean used his Kick skill to place the ball just behind my Thrower and off to the right.
Kick Off Table
An initial roll of 7 meant "Changing Weather" and the follow-up of "5" indicated "Perfect Blood Bowl Weather". Yay, just in time for the end of the game!
My Turn Six
I decided to piss the Wizard away by randomly casting Lightning Bolt on Alcid, Dean's Ulfwerner, who was just standing around minding his own business guarding the right wide zone. I was crushed when all it did was knock him on his ass for a second! What kind of weak-sauce Lightning Bolt was that?!?! Thrower Valarius moved six spaces into the beginnings of a makeshift cage. Collwyn back-tracked, picked up the ball, moved six spaces, heaved it accurately with a roll of "4" and Valarius reeled it in on a roll of "6".
Dean's Turn Seven
Dean failed to roll a 3+ while Blitzing into my cage, but the Re-Roll worked perfectly. Since Collwyn didn't have the Dodge skill, the single-die "Defender Stumbles" Block knocked him down. The ball popped back to another one of my players, but I couldn't hold onto it. It landed amidst a cluster of my players. To ensue that I couldn't take advantage of this small blessing, Dean Knocked Down two of my players and then proceeded to butt heads with Zug.
My Turn Seven
I stood everyone up that Dean had just knocked flat. I then threw an effective two-die Block, Knocking Out my victim. My Blitz yielded another measly Push but the triumphant rusher fulfilled his primary mission of forming a post in a re-constituted cage. Thrower Collwyn moved four spaces, goofed the first pick up attempt, nailed it on the second try with Sure Hands and and then moved two more spaces while entrenched in an unconventional-looking human shelter. A last-minute two die Block against Lars the Lineman resulted in Yet Another Friggin' Push.
Dean's Turn Eight
Dean's Ulfwerner moved five and Blitzed Solonius Myrmidon, Pushing him on the initial hit and then cutting him down on the Frenzied follow-up. Another two-die Block Stunned one of my few upright defenders. Dean finally made his Snow Troll's "Wild Animal" roll and Stunned the Mighty Zug. A series of three more two-die Blocks made ruin of my understaffed drive.
My Turn Eight
After realizing that there was no possible way for me to score in one turn, Dean offered a concession which I heartily agreed to.
Final Score
Aesgoth Hammers 2 Galadrian Guardians 0
***
MVP Award / Level Ups
"Mad" Martigan snagged my MVP award while Lasu the Lineman got the nod for the Hammers. Lasu Leveled Up and Dean graced him the valuable (not to mention annoying) "Fend" ability. With two pass completions, Thrower Collwyn of Cressida also Leveled Up! Tyrian Silvershield notched two Casualties but he was still one point shy of his goal.
Winnings
I rolled a 6 for a total of 60,000 gold pieces! Dean got 10,000 for his Fame, 10,000 for the win and then diced up a two for a total of 40,000. Spiraling Expenses dropped this to a final total of 20,000. Despite losing the game I made three times the amount of money Dean made on the match! Ah, the wacky world of Blood Bowl.
Fan Factor
I rolled over my current Fan Factor so it didn't drop. Dean rolled under his Fan Factor so it went back up to 10.
***
Post-Game Commentary
Dean: "I had better luck that time."
Me: "The loss of the ogre (was) crippling."
Dean: "That killed you. That and (losing) your 4 Strength guy. That was murder."
Yes, the loss of Torgg and Erik certainly hurt, but it's my lagging development as a Blood Bowl player that ultimately cost me the game. The fact that I didn't use the Wizard to prevent one of Dean's Touchdowns was bad, but "Going For It" while still one space away from Dean's End Zone was completely unforgivable.
This session report goes to shows just how deep this game is. Whereas most of my Blood Bowl experience comes from playing against the shamefully deficient A.I. of the X-Box game, Dean and Andrew have played a lot more games against one another. Needless to say, both of them are considerably stronger players for this.
When Luck doesn't play a significant factor (such as Dean's hideous dice-rolling in the last game) the player who absorbs the subtlety of the rules, brushes up on strategy, maximizes their player skills and takes advantage of their opponent's weaknesses will usually prove victorious.
Despite some initial hiccups, my simmering interest in Blood Bowl didn't completely abate. Especially after viewing this fascinating mini-doc about the game which was posted to YouTube in June of 2008:
Watching this I realized that my sensibilities are far more European then North American. To me, the thought of playing Blood Bowl in a London pub over a pint of Spitfire is like heaven on earth.
Around the same time, Andrew discovered the internet-based Blood Bowl League Fumbbl. To facilitate online matches, the geniuses behind the site developed a rudimentary but perfectly functional Blood Bowl client. After Andrew tipped me off to this, I immediately installed it, set up some solitaire matches and finally learned the basics of the game through trial and error.
Via this indispensable tool I discovered the finer points of Blood Bowl's Golden Rule: make all of you risk-free moves first and save your diciest gambits to the very end. Since you suffer a turnover every time you fail a die roll, it's wise to forego your most dangerous maneuvers until you've finished all of your no-risk actions (like standing up all of your knocked down players or moving free figures into your opponent's tackle zones).
After this handy little Java-based wonder gave me the fundamental rules epiphany that I needed, I finally broke down and purchased a copy of the Third Edition. This gave me an "official" Human and Orc team to assemble, paint and name. So, when Dean and Andrew decided to re-boot their Blood Bowl league and invited me to participate, I heartily accepted.
(That is, after we eliminated the painfully protracted Overtime Halves which often resulted in a random d6 die roll to decide the "winner" anyway)
They split their massive pool of teams into two separate divisions, the first of which would feature my Human team, "The Galadrian Guardians" (who I'd named in reference to my novel). Against my better judgement, I took Andrew and Dean's advice and didn't buy any Catchers nor did I invest in any Fan Factor. I did come out of the creation process with four stalwart and speedy Blitzers and no less then four (!) Re-Rolls.
Here are just a few members of this hallowed squad:
Collwyn of Cressida (Thrower)
Tyrian Silvershield (Blitzer)
Gailen Huntsman (Lineman)
And, no I haven't finished painting them, fuck you.
Now, just because I'd digested a few subtleties of game play, it certainly didn't make me an expert Blood Bowl player. Hell, it didn't even make me a competentBlood Bowl player. After all, you're only as good as your competition and since I'd only been playing with myself (*ahem*) I was still sucking harder then Kelis in any given yard.
This was clearly borne out in my inaugural match against Andrew's Necromantic "Living Dead" squad, who'd previously mauled my old Orc team in a 3 - 0 rout. First off, the suggested scheme of employing a Halfling Master Chef to gain a Re-Roll and deprive Andrew of one proved to be a bust. Soon I was also kicking myself for not increasing my initial Fan Factor after a brutal Pitch Invasion felled no less then seven (seven!) of my players!
I then decided to be my own worst enemy by injuring Star Thrower Collwyn of Cressida by pointlessly breaking him out of nigh-lethal level of coverage. He ended up with a Serious Concussion in the failed attempt, resulting in a permanent -1 penalty to his Armor Value. On the flip side, I failed to cause even a single Casualty to Andrew's team.
So I'd come back into Blood Bowl in the the exact manner that I first went out: with a heartbreaking loss. Despite the 1-0 defeat, I was still bolstered by the fact that Andrew had been limited to one point and all of the damage caused to my team I'd done to myself. Most importantly, I knew exactly where I'd fucked up and I was hoping to learn from my mistakes.
Honestly, if I played board games to win them, I'd never play board games. Ergo, my initial dissatisfaction RE: Blood Bowl didn't stem from losing but rather from not knowing why I was losing!
In my second match I faced Andrew's intimidating, now-veteran Orc Team: the "Regal Beatsticks". Thanks to the gross disparity on our Team Values I was able to hire Star Player Morg N' Thorg to shore up my line of scrimmage. Despite his considerable presence, I still failed to inflict any Casualties, while suffering one of my own. Nevertheless, I managed to limit Andrew to a 1-1 tie and avoid any major catastrophes.
I also secured a 1-1 draw in my rematch against the "Living Dead". Unfortunately this one came at a terrible price. After yet another Pitch Invasion felled four of my players, Andrew's Flesh Golem murdered Lineman Royden of Monkstown like a villager in a Frankenstein film. To make matters worse, another Lineman, Martin Aurelian, was stuck with a Niggling Injury after failing to navigate an innocuous-looking Dodge attempt.
Even with all the extra Inducement money my team was still getting beat
up and pushed around. In order to combat this, I had to beef up my roster with some much-needed muscle. Unfortunately, with no wins thus far, I hadn't earned enough cash to buy myself an Ogre. Mercifully, Andrew's Halfling Team (the "Black Forest Hams", winner of the best Blood Bowl team name evar) were charitable enough to lend me 10,000 gold pieces in order to retain the services of an Ogre (whom I promptly dubbed "Torgg the Incontinent").
Fortified somewhat, I fared considerably better in my next tilt against the "Regal Beatsticks". With additional back up provided by Griff Oberwald and The Mighty Zug, I managed to eke out yet another tie, this time avoiding any lingering injuries.
And then, on May the 4'th I received the following update from Andrew:
"Here’s what’s left before the playoffs:
Galadrian
Guardians
vs
Aesgoth
Hammers
Black Forrest
Hams
vs
Kord's
Killers
Aesgoth
Hammers
vs
Galadrian
Guardians
Rivendell
Ruffians
vs
Black Forrest
Hams
Regal
Beatsticks
vs
Aesgoth
Hammers
Cyclops Death Horde Division The final five games have huge playoff implications. Dave, if you want to make it to the playoffs you need to win one and tie one against the Norse and have my Orcs lose their final game. If my Orcs win or tie then you’ll need to get two wins against the Hammers. If it doesn’t work out for Dave; my Orcs need a tie or better in the final game against the Norse to make it to the playoffs. If they fail to do that then the Necromantic team will make it. Currently the Hammers are a lock and I predict that the Necromantic team will join them."
Needless to say, I wanted nothing more then to take a hot, steamy dump right on top of Andrew's Big Moot™ sandwich but it certainly wouldn't be easy. This is what I was faced with (stats shown post-match):
And this was the approximate state of my "Galadrian Guardians":
Despite Andrew's dire prediction for my team, he did provide some sage advice RE: my Inducement cash...
If my estimate for the Norse is correct Dean will be sitting at 1,870. Dave sits at 1,210 giving him 660k to work with. Dave, here are some options: 1. Morg 450k + Helmut Wulf 110k + re-roll or apothecary or bribe 100k
5. Human Lineman mercenaries go for 80k. Fill your roster up with bodies. Add 50K per merc and you could add a skill like Wrestle to counter all of the Block.
I really like #4 but going with Helmut Wolf + some bribes will really
clear the pitch. Unless Dean knocks him down and fouls the shit out of
him as I would. Mercs would be great for the line of scrimmage.
Tough call, my friend.
In the end I decided to go with Option #1, I.E. pure brute force. On Wednesday May 30'th this titanic contest finally went down.
Galadrian Guardians (My Humans) vs. Aesgoth Hammers (Dean's Norse)
Weather
Nice: Perfect Blood Bowl weather.
Fan Factor Roll
Dean: 10 + 10 = 20
Me: 10 + 2 = 12
Dean got Fame +1. I scored $12,000 for my Gate Earnings and Dean snagged $20,000.
Kick/Receiving Roll
Dean rolled 7, I got 8. I chose to Kick to Dean.
FIRST HALF
Scatter
I make a fairly accurate kick, rolling a 6 for direction and a 1 for range.
Kick Off Table
On a roll of 8 ("Brilliant Coaching") Dean scored an extra Re-Roll.
Dean's Turn One
Thrower Baldur picked up the ball, ran back mid-field and then successfully hucked it to Birger the Blitzer. Erik the Wolf then rolled Double Skulls trying to knock Lineman "Mad" Martigan towards the sidelines but Dean used Boe's "Leader" ability to re-roll. Thanks to "Frenzy" Dean's Ulfwerner managed to push my Blitzer out of bounds, knocking him out in the process.
My Turn One
My Ogre managed to get to his feet. A Blitzer hit on a one-die Block, stunning his target. I successfully managed to Dodge one of my players out of a tight tackle zone. # 9 Martin Aurelian put down an opponent. Another Blitzer was successful in one-die Blocking his way out of crowd-surf territory.
Dean's Turn Two
Birger the Blitzer completed his fake-out by doubling back back across the line and trying to hand the ball off to Baldur. Unfortunately Dean rolled a "1" on both the initial attempt and on the Re-Roll, forcing a premature turnover. Andrew promptly re-christened Baldur "No-Hands McGee".
My Turn Two
After Andrew lamented that Morg was no-longer in position to "pounce like a sex panther" on the ball, I'm forced to spend a re-roll to clear a path to it. Unfortunately my subsequent pick-up attempt fails and the ball scatters.
Dean's Turn Three
Dean blitzes with an Ulfwerner, Pushing on the initial strike but clobbering on the second. His 4 Agility Thrower Balsar easily snapped up the ball. He successfully "Went For It" once, resulting in a Short and Accurate Pass which was easily reeled in by his 5-Agility Blitzer Boe. Unfortunately, in an honest effort to get out of Morg's range, Dean rolled a "1" on the initial throw and on the Re-Roll! Once again, the ball scattered!
My Turn Three
After passing his Bonehead check, Torgg shoved one of Dean's defenders out of the way. I broke a Blitzer out of a toxic tackle zone, successfully "Went For It" twice and then snatched up the ball up on my Re-Roll! Erik of Heldmark did his best to tie up an Ulfwerner. Blitzer Solonius Myrmidon knocked down Baldur the Thrower. This freed up Blitzer Tyrian Silvershield to provide additional coverage.
Dean's Turn Four
Dean was forced to burn yet another re-roll in order to salvage a failed Blitz. Things got even worse after a "Both Down" result saw Ulfwerner Ulric receiving a Smashed Collarbone (and my Gailen Huntsman only getting Stunned). Dean immediately chose to cut the maimed player.
My Turn Four
My 4-Strength Lineman Erik of Heldmark efficiently knocked out a rival. I also K.O.'ed Kjelli, Dean's Runner. One of my trapped-on-the-sidelines Blitzers sprung up and turned Lanni the Lineman into a Casualty. An advantageous two die block put another one of Dean's defenders out of the game!
Dean's Turn Five
Dean's downed Blitzer "Jumped Up" and knocked the ball free on a 2-die Blitz. He made the initial "Go For It" roll but tripped while Dodging into a Tackle Zone. The ball immediately went a-bouncin', settling in a space close to one of my Linemen.
My Turn Five
I knocked down one of Dean's minions on an assisted Blitz, giving my now-liberated Lineman a chance to pick up the ball (which he did after exhausting a Re-Roll). My Blitzer got Pushy on a one-die Block and my Ogre overcame his "Bone Head" roll to follow suit.
Dean's Turn Six
Assisted by Lanni's Guard ability, Dean knocked out one of my defenders. Dean's Blitzers attempted to shit-can their enemy counterparts, but two successive "Both Down" results meant that all four of them just ended up staring at each other. The Snow Troll passed his "Wild Animal" test to lay out one of my Blitzers.
My Turn Six
After setting Morg up with a Blitz, I was crushed by the resulting Push. Still clutching the ball, Slayde Darkwell ran six spaces towards the end zone. Blitzer Tyrian Silvershield tried to scout one space ahead, providing much-needed protection. Lineman Martin Aurelain kept pace with the pack, guarding Slayde's posterior. My Ogre managed to momentarily inconvenience Dean's Snow Troll. Erik of Heldmark went down on a poorly-guaged one-die Block attempt and was knocked out for the rest of the game!
Dean's Turn Seven
Sakarias the Snow Troll remained prone after failing his "Wild Animal" roll. After succeeding on his initial "Go For It" attempt, Dean whiffed a fairly elementary Dodge-out attempt.
My Turn Seven
A two-die Blitz knocked away Dean's sole opposition and Slayde Darkwell ran in for the Touchdown!
***
One of my knocked-out Blitzers came back into the game. Dean and Andrew graciously suggested that I pull my superfluous players back into my own zone to ensure that they couldn't be targeted. Only Morg and two of my organ-donor Lineman were left to guard the line of scrimmage!
Scatter
I made a fairly accurate kick, rolling a 3 for direction and a 2 for range. Thanks to the "Kick Return" skill, Dean's Thrower moved three spaces closer to the ball.
Kick Off Table
With a roll of 9, Dean earned a "Quick Snap" allowing all of his players to move one square!
***
Dean's Turn Eight
The Snow Troll failed his "Wild Animal" roll and stood around looking stupider then normal. Balsar the Thrower scooped up the ball, moved five spaces, made an Accurate Pass and hit for the completion! Erik the Wolf managed to put down my Ogre. Dean sicced the "Fend"-equipped Lineman Lars on Morg in an attempt to curtail his movement.
My Turn Eight
Despite a solid hit, Morg failed to injure his quarry. After passing a "Bone Head" roll and rushing into a Blitz, my Ogre could only score double Pushes, even after spending my final Re-Roll. Without any other players in range, my turn (and the first half) came to a close.
Half-Time Score
Galadrian Guardians 1 Aesgoth Hammers 0
SECOND HALF
Dean got a player back from the Knocked Out Box but my Blitzer wasn't so lucky. The much-anticipated Helmut Wolf finally took to the pitch on my behalf.
Scatter
Using "Kick", Dean delivered a decent punt, rolling a 6 for direction and a 3 for range.
Kick Off Table
Dean rolled a 12, putting me on the business end of "Pitch Invasion" for the third time in five games! Only one of Dean's players got Stunned but I lost six!
My Turn One
To give my Stunned players a chance to stand up, I grabbed the ball and retreated six spaces back towards my own End Zone. Torgg knocked down the Snow Troll but failed to injure him. Again. Helmut Wolf hacked into one of Dean's players with his chainsaw (!), knocking him out of the game and causing a permanent Niggling Injury!
Dean's Turn One
Dean used his superior numbers to swarm my defenders. Sakarias the Snow Troll passed his "Wild Animal" roll and Blitzed Helmut Wolf, knocking him into the dirt and Stunning him! Dean followed this up with a Foul attempt but could only muster a K.O.
My Turn Two
Most of my downed team stood back up. The Ogre's "Bone Head" roll worked and he slowly got to his feet! A hit attempt with Morg resulted in yet another lame-ass Push! I dumped the ball off to my Blitzer, advanced seven spaces and then tried my best to set up a rudimentary cage.
Dean's Turn Two
On his very first hit Dean rolled Double Skulls! He then vainly spent a Re-Roll and got the exact same result! And just like that, his turn was over!
My Turn Three
Suddenly blessed by a surplus of rushers, I dispatched them across the board to tie up Dean's defenders. Lineman Slayde Darkwell leveled a successful one-die Blitz and then moved to protect the ball carrier. Speak of the devil, I decided to be conservative and keep him near a cluster of mates. Another Lineman made a successful "Go For It" roll and joined the cage. A two-die Block knocked out another target. Morg then pitched one of Dean's minions next to my Ogre who turned his lights out with a "Mighty Blow".
Dean's Turn Three
Dean tried his best to infiltrate my rudimentary cage. Initially he rolled two dice by mistake (getting a double Push result) and I foolishly let him re-roll a single die, which ended up being a hit! Dean successfully Dodged Boe the 5-Agility Blitzer out of a shit-storm of tackle zones and then "Went For It" once in order to interdict my advance. Another downed Blitzer used "Jump Up" to reach the ball. He managed to Dodge through the crowd, failing at first but then succeeding on the Re-Roll. Unfortunately he flubbed the pick-up attempt and the ball scattered towards me.
My Turn Four
One of my felled Blitzers got to his feet, bowled over an opponent (Stunning him) and then kept on truckin' to preside over a ball recovery attempt. Another player tried to gather up the ball but failed, even on the subsequent Re-Roll. It bounced right off of the prostrate form of Dean's player and then settled on the ground directly in front of my rusher!
Dean's Turn Four
Dean laid out one of my players but couldn't break his armor. He tried to fetch the ball by Dodging into the scrum, but failed on the initial 3+ toss as well as the Re-Roll. "Oh Jesus!" I screamed as Dean mimed throwing his solid jade d6 at my head.
My Turn Five
Blitzer Gideon Fletcher picked up the ball and proceeded to haul ass seven spaces. Slayde Darkwell and another Lineman kept pace to flank him. My Thrower Collwyn of Cressida wisely decided to cover two of Dean's prone players. Torgg avoided his "Bone Head" label and plowed the Snow Troll in the mush after using a Re-Roll. Morg went after Cato the Catcher but they just chest-bumped one another.
Dean's Turn Five
Sakarias the Snow Troll got to his furry feet. Dean's Blitzer "Jumped Up", did a shuck and jive through a gauntlet of tackle zones and then attempted a two-die uphill Blitz on the ball carrier. He rolled a Skull on the first toss and "Both Down" on the Re-Roll, which was nullified by Block. He then performed a few afterthought hits, initially Stunning one of my players. But after rolling yet another ineffectual result, he suddenly realized he'd been using my tiny red die by mistake. "Where did I get that piece of shit!?" he exclaimed. He followed this up with a desperate one-die block, promptly rolled a Skull and was subsequently Knocked The Fuck Out.
My Turn Six
My Blitzer Pushed Dean's lone defender out of contention and Gideon Fletcher punched the ball in for my second Touchdown!
***
Both of my K.O'ed players (including pricey Helmut Wolf) decided to keep surfin' the pine. This was balanced somewhat when only one of Dean's three Knocked Out peeps crawled back onto the pitch. Dean immediately positioned his team up for a classic Flood.
Dean's Turn Six
I made a fantastic boot deep into Dean's end zone (?), rolling an 8 for direction and a 4 for range. Thanks to "Kick Return" Dean's Thrower Balsar moved two spaces, got under the ball, caught it, rushed back up field and successfully biffed it for his third completion of the game! After clearing some space with a few well-placed Pushes, one of his Blitzers "Went For It" once and leveled a two-die Blitz that ended up in a Push. The Snow Troll then tried a two-die uphill Block on my Ogre but one of the results was a Skull. Needless to say, I was all over that like Oprah on a baked ham.
My Turn Seven
I managed to "Go For It" once and put a tackle zone on Dean's drive. Torgg finally failed his "Bone Head" roll. One of my Blitzers "Went For It" twice to put the smacketh down on Dean's ball carrier with a one-die Blitz. On a roll of "5" the ball bounced out to an optimal spot. I burned a re-roll to Dodge out a Lineman and move him four spaces but I boggled the pick-up. The ball scattered four times (!) before settling in a free space.
Dean's Turn Seven
Dean's minions started with a flurry of hits, but he could only scare up a pair of Pushes and a single Knockdown. One of his Lineman then decided to do a face plant while "Going For It" in an effort to snag the ball.
My Turn Eight
My initial hits included two ineffectual Pushes and a Morg-induced Stun. Collwyn of Cressida moved three spaces, used his Sure Hands to gather up the ball, Dodged away from the heat on a 3+ roll and then moved three more spaces.
Dean's Turn Eight
Dean, realizing that there's no chance for a one-turn score, decided to concede the game.
Final Score
Galadrian Guardians 2 Aesgoth Hammers 0
***
MVP/Level Ups Award
Blitzer Gideon Fletcher snagged my MVP award. Coupled with the T.D. he scored eight Star Player points and gained a level! Lineman Slayde Darkwell earned two points for a Touchdown, bringing him to six Star Player points and a new level! Lineman Gailen Huntsman collected two Casualty points, taking him to a total of three. Thrower Colwyn of Cressida garnered one point for a Completion, taking him to four Star Player Points in total.
I ended up rolling two Regular Skills, so I gave Block to Slayde and Mighty Blow to "Mad" Martigan.
Lanttu the Lineman scored the MVP nod for Dean but no one on his team leveled up.
Winnings
I got 10,000 for the win and then rolled 40,000 for a total of 50,000 gold pieces! Dean got 10,000 for his Fame and diced up a four as well, for a total of 50,000. Spiraling Expenses dropped this to a final total of 30,000.
Fan Factor
I beat my current Fan Factor so it went up to 3. Dean's dropped to 9.
***
Post-Game Commentary
Me: "I can credit luck exclusively for that (win): my really, really good luck and you're exceptionally shitty luck."
Dean: "Yeah, there was, what? once or twice that you missed a roll that you needed. And I don't think I made one that I needed."
Me: "And it was never disastrous, it was never at a time when, y'know, (it really hurt me)."
Dean: "And I made nothing but disastrous rolls."
Indeed, people who abhor the concept of Luck playing a significant factor in a board game would be well-advised to steer clear of Blood Bowl. Having said that, a skilled player will almost always destroy a total noob.
Honestly, if you dig chess-like tactics, team management, player advancement, tense decision-making and a brilliant time-progression mechanic all with a thematically-relevant fantasy overlay, then hunt down a copy of this game.
Blood Bowl scores five pips out of six!
P.S. Here's an even better Blood Bowl training tool then the Java client...
