Tuesday, January 24, 2012

From The Archives # 1: "Star Wars Miniatures"

February 27, 2005

Since I've already sunk what amounts to the Gross Domestic Product of Peru into the "collectible" Star Wars Miniatures Game, I figured that I might as well go for broke and pick this up:

Prior to playing this with anyone else, I decide to test-drive Mission IV # 10 foreshadowingly titled "Race To Docking Bay 94".

In this scenario, the Rebels (Ben Kenobi, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, C-3PO and R2-D2) have to safely reach Docking Bay 94 by exiting the east side of the map.  The Imperials, consisting of a Stormtrooper Officer leading a Sandtrooper on a Dewback, as well as two Heavy and two Vanilla Stormtroopers have to either gank Han and Chewie or "capture the droids".

This second condition is accomplished by moving a trooper adjacent to C-3PO and/or R2-D2.  When this happens the Imperial player can "take control" of the droid and move it along with the trooper.  If both droids are successfully moved off the north edge of the map, the Imperials win.

(Ummm, as a side note, can any suck...er fan out there who actually bought the rip-off Blu-Rays confirm or deny that this scenario is based on the most prudent deleted scene in cinema history?) 

Regardless, here's the map at set-up:


ROUND ONE       Initiative:     Rebels    3        Imperials 11

Imperials:  The Dewback charges up four spaces to the entrance way and tries to gum Han through the doorway.  Rolls 16 + 4 attack and a bonus + 4 (for it's "Momentum" ability).  24 is a hit!  Han takes 20 damage.  The Stormtrooper Officer  moves down five spaces and takes a pot-shot at Han, who has cover behind a giant, green lizard.  Roll is 9 + 8 = 17 vs. Han's defense of 21 (17 + 4 for cover).  Miss!

RebelsHan fires at the giant green lizard at point-blank range and rolls a "1", a Greedo-like miss!  He falls back six spaces.   Chewie, similarly afflicted, also whiffs with a "1" and slinks off next to Han.  As the dauntless duo turn tail and run, the Dewback gets an Attack of Opportunity against both of them, rolling 18 on Han for 10 points of damage and 20 on Chewie for 20!!! 

Who the fuck is this guy!?!?

Imperials: Heavy Trooper # 1 elbows past the giant, green lizard and manages to get just inside the doorway.  Since he can't move and attack in the same turn, he just bides his time by making obscene hand gestures and using sarcasm against our favorite pair of rogues.  The second Heavy Trooper moves four spaces down behind the Dewback.  If this was a Prequel film, I'm sure he would have just trod in Dewback poo.   

RebelsBen "Obi-Wan" Kenobi (the Man With The Name Like A Chinese Menu) might be old enough to collect Social Security but he can still haul ass.  He moves twelve spaces in an easterly direction towards the exit.  Luke, due to his six-packs-a-day smoking habit, is hard-pressed to keep up with him.  

ImperialsVanilla Stormtrooper #1 Moves up six spaces and spies Luke wheezing towards the junkyard.  He takes a pot-shot at Luke's mullet: rolls 7 + 4 = 11 vs. Luke's defense of 21 (17 = 4 for cover)...miss!      Vanilla Stormtrooper #2  Moves five spaces down to stand by his by squad mate and fires as well.  His roll is 8 + 4 = 12.  Miss!  Their aim is proving to be canonical.

RebelsR2 moves up twelve spaces next to Ben.  C-3PO minces his way up behind (!) Luke.   For the record, I've never seen these droids move this fast in the movies ever.

ROUND TWO       Initiative:     Rebels    15        Imperials 12
RebelsChewie takes a bead on the lone Heavy Trooper in the storage building with him.  Rolls 10 + 8 and misses (his defense was 20...16 + 4 for cover).  Chewie retreats six more spaces, exiting stage right.  Han blasts away at the same dude, rolling 17 + 8 + 4 (Cunning Attack) = 30!!!  The Heavy Trooper has his head blown off in an appropriately PG-kinda way.  Han also falls back six spaces next to Chewie and shares a fleeting kiss with the wookiee.   

Imperials: The remaining trigger-happy  Heavy Trooper (who apparently thinks he's in a Star Wars film directly by Stanley Kubrick) spies The Worlds Most Conspicuous Target (I.E. C-3PO) and takes a pot-shot.  Rolls 16 + 6 + 3 (for the Officer's Commander effect) vs. defense 15 + 4 (cover) = 19.  Hit!  The subsequent 30 points of damage blows C-3PO's head off an appropriately PG-kinda way.    Not to be shown up in front of his supervisor, Vanilla Stormtrooper #1 fires at Luke, rolls 19 + 4 - 4 (cover) + 3 (Commander effect).  22 is a hit for 10 damage.

Rebels: R2, non-plussed by the violent death of his life-partner, races through the loose sand as if he's competing in the the Baja 1000, moving twelve spaces down the corridor.  Luke follows suit.

Imperials:  The R.T.D.P. (Royal Tatooinian Dewback Patrol) moves twelve spaces along the northern part of the map.  The Stormtrooper Officer  fires twice at Obi-Wan rolling 9 then 1, both misses.  Vanilla Stormtrooper #1  Tries to snipe Obi-Wan in the beard.   Rolls 12 + 4 - 4 (cover) +3 Commander Effect total 15.  Miss!

Rebels:  Neo, er...Obi-Wan  hustles up twelve spaces and is now leading Luke.  ("Run, Luke, RUN!  Cripes, you're one-third my age, get the fuckin' lead out!")

ROUND THREE       Initiative:     Rebels    11        Imperials 1         

RebelsChewie and Han both move up twelve, entering the corridor.  Um...okay

Imperials: The Dewback advances twelve spaces towards corridor entrance.   The Stormtrooper Officer also moves up twelve spaces.

RebelsObi-Wan and Luke move off the map.  Wow, that's exciting.

Imperials:  Move their remaining Heavy Trooper and Vanilla Stormtrooper #1

RebelsR2 leaves the map.  Why do I have this sudden overwhelming feeling of buyer's remorse? 

ImperialsVanilla Stormtrooper #1  moves down twelve spaces.  Wow, this sucks

Rebels:  Both Han and Chewie move off the map, ending the game.

Wow, just...wow.  

As if it's not bad enough that this so-called "scenario" was completely boring and pointless I'm also left scratching my head as to who the fuck won.  After all, the book states "all Rebel characters must safely reach Docking Bay 94" and Old Goldenrod was conveniently left back there in the junkyard.

So I sent the following email to Lizards of the Toast, seeking clarification:

Rebel victory conditions for this scenario state that that 'all Rebel characters must safely reach Docking Bay 94' in order to win but the Imperial victory conditions clearly specify that 'they need to defeat Han or Chewie in order to win'.  So, who won this scenario?   

Reply from Monkey Answer Lizard # 12:

It's a "draw".  

A "draw", huh?  Yeah, I bet that's gonna happen a lot in this brain-dead scenario.

Rule holes so big you could fly a T-16 through really hobble the "Ultimate Missions" book.  Honestly, just save your credits and make up your own missions. Whatever you throw together can't be nearly as bad as this hastily-cobbled-together-cash-grab.

P.S. The Heavy Trooper who shot one of the winning conditions in the head was immediately sacked. 

Although I can't say a lot of good things about the "Ultimate Missions" book I positively lurve the Star Wars Miniatures Game.  I give it a solid five pips outta six!


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