Wednesday, April 9, 2025

The Story So Far - Part 16 - "Wayward Son"

"The Story So Far" is an ongoing series recapping the details of a Dungeons & Dragons campaign that I've been running since 2002. Links to the previous entries can be found here:  

Prologue                    Part 1                    Part 2                    Part 3              Part 4  

Part 5                        Part 6                    Part 7                    Part 8              Part 9 

Part 10                     Part 11                  Part 12                   Part 13            Part 14

Part 15

I've "fictionalized" the session reports in a likely-vain attempt to make them more "entertaining." 

***

When we last left our heroes, they'd liberated the nearby logging camp from the curse of a Schaden Dämon. This required an overnight stay in the camp so we pick things up on:

Starday, Earthlife 4'th, 1492

By the time the group lugged the comatose Giran Oakenshield back to the lumber camp, the sun was beaming down directly overhead. With the Schaden Dämon now vanquished, a palpable feeling of hope and tranquility had fallen over the environs. This was further underscored when Vestine's sweet song of beckoning once again lured the unicorn out of its secret glade.


As if compelled to eliminate the distasteful presence of blight, the majestic creature snorted, shook its mane and pranced over to the inert form of Giran Oakenshield with unearthly elegance. As the ethereal creature approached, Roman urged his companions to back away.

The unicorn then performed what could only be described as an equine curtsy, bending at the knee to gingerly tap the unconscious form with its spiraled horn. The dwarf immediately gasped to life, as if narrowly saved from drowning. 

"MORADIN'S BEARD!" he roared and immediately began to buck and struggle against the bonds of the stretcher. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THAT??? WHERE AM I??? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE?!? WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?"

In reaction to this unexpected chaotic energy, the mythical creature pawed at the ground with its cloven hoofs, backed away from the scene and then melted into the dense forest as if summoned back to its natural plane of existence. 

Roman eventually screwed up enough courage to loosen Giran's bonds and then convince him to put down the ax he'd torn from a nearby tree stump. All of this occurred under a constant chorus of "OooOooo's" and "Ahhhs" from the small crowd of slack-jawed gawkers that had gathered. Clearly this was high entertainment to a bunch of sheltered sheltered woodsmen.

After Lorelei and Kerbin both laid claim to pets that Beren the foreman promised to every member of the group (namely Riley the dog and Toothy the wolf), the group set off to Castebridge with the newly-revitalized Giran in tow.

"I don't know what venom those mongrels dipped their arrows in, but it's left my blood permanently aflame for revenge," Oakenshield growled. "I need to get back to Kiras Toth immediately."

Hesitant to further stoke the dwarf's ire, Roman chose his words carefully.

"If it puts your mind at ease, the fortress was secure when we left."

Giran looked up at Roman with a sheepish glance and then suddenly stopped in his tracks.

"I'm sorry, my friends," he said. "Waking up from that cursed slumber was like being thrown into an icy lake while in a dead sleep. If even half what you said is true, I own you all a debt that can scarce be repaid."

Bria suddenly cleared her throat and stepped to the forefront.

"Funny you should mention that 'cuz this guy named Ulfgar said that he'd make us some masterwork weapons and deliver 'em to us, sooooo...should I, like, tell you what I want or will it be, like, a random thing?"

The dwarf laughed heartily and shoved the thief.  The gesture was meant to be playful but Bria reflexively found herself reflexively palming the pommel of her rapier in its sheathe. 

"Well, lad..."

"Um...I'm not a 'lad'..." 

"...you have until we reach the northern road to tell me what you all want from my forge. Because, as soon as I get home, I'm going instruct Ulfgar to craft the weapon of your dreams and then see them delivered right into your resilient little mitts."

Giran then worked his way through the crowd, slapping Roman alarmingly low on the back, fist-bumping Pol, picking up an incredulous Kirbin, hugging and kissing a flabbergasted Korrick and then coming toa dead stop in front of Lorelei, clearly deterred by her crossed arms and "don't-even-think-about-it" facial expression. With that, he spun on his heel and resumed his course towards Castebridge, kicking small rocks off the cobble road as he went. 

"Um, Mister Oakeysheild...," a red-faced Korrick ventured as he struggled to catch up to his kin, "I'd bedder go with you on your trip, 'cuz that road's pretty dangerous right now."

"Nonsense, boy," Giran thundered. "I've traveled that trail more times than you've had hot meals. I'll be fine."

Roman trotted on just ahead of him.

"Respectfully, sir, byt I think Korrick is right. We encountered a lot of enemies: worgs, goblins, orcs, giant spiders...dragons."

Upon hearing this, Giran stopped dead in his tracks. As the group coalesced around, they noticed that the dwarf's complexion was even more waxen than when he was poisoned.

"Dragons?" he parroted.

"Yes," Pol thundered. "Well, one particularly nasty bastard. Likely the same one that destroyed your watchtower. Frankly it's a miracle that we're all not dead."

The dwarven lord swallowed hard and started walking again, casting a wary eye skyward.

"Yes, well...point well taken," he intoned. "Um, perhaps we should pick up the pace. I'm keen on a hot meal and a sleep that's not involuntary." 

The rest of the way home, Bria babbled about her dream rapiercrossbowbattlestaff to anyone within earshot that seemed tolerant.

***

“BROTHER ROMAN!”

The priest winced. He'd just escorted Giran Oakenshield to the refectory for a meal and was hoping to sneak off to his cell for a quick nap before tackling the group's next action item. For the umpteenth time, he cursed the guard-dog-like attributes of Malachan, the abbey's Almoner. Before turning to face the shady-looking priest, Roman took a second to wipe the pained grimace off his face and replace it with a look of vague civility.  

"Yes, Brother Malachan, how can I help you?"

The Almoner's dark, piercing eyes probed Roman's haggard countenance in such a lingering manner that it felt transgressive. 

"You have been in absentia quite a bit lately, Brother Roman," Malachan droned. "This trend is growing increasingly...worrisome." 

A month ago, this thinly-veiled accusation would have sent Roman slinking away like a cowed dog. But the compounding horrors he'd witnessed over the past few weeks rendered such chain-rattling completely toothless. 

"Moira is fully aware of my charges, Brother Malachan. If you have questions about my comings and goings, I suggest you speak with her."

With that, Roman turned to leave but - like a snakebite - the Almoner's gaunt hand shot out and seized the cleric by his tunic.

"Abbess Moira is relinquishing her duties, Brother," Malachan hissed. "As such, I will be assuming her station and you will be tasked to distribute alms...in addition to your regular service schedule and whatever the Master of Novices requires of you. These new duties are to begin immediately."  

Out of the corner of his eye Roman saw a slight, back-lit figure round a corner in the cellarium, witness this tense scene and then immediately melt back into the gloom. Irritated by the lack of attention, Malachan gave him a shake.

"Do I make myself clear, Brother Roman?" the Almoner said in a tone of voice that did not invite debate. 

Roman tore himself away with a bit more force than he intended.

"Yeah, I understand," he heard himself say as he straightened his tabbard.

Malachan's pallid, goateed face leaned in, those sunken eyes boring holes into his young ward's face.

"Good. I suggest you check in with Brother Regis...he likely has some long-neglected tasks for you can finally see to."

Roman waited until the swish of the Almoner's robe on the flagstone floor faded before he breathed a sigh of relief and took off his helmet. 

He was mere strides away from his cell when he realized that he was being followed. He rounded the corner, ducked behind a pillar and then leapt out to snare his pursuer. Immediately he was mortified to realize that he'd grabbed Alissa - the young Cellarer prodigy - in a tight embrace. He released her so quickly he had to steady her on her feet. 

"Sister! Pelor's Mercy...I'm so sorry, I had no idea..."

Allisa put a finger up to her pursed lips and Roman instantly fell silent.

"I'm the one who should apologize, Brother Roman," she whispered. "I tried to find you earlier but I couldn't get away. There's something terribly wrong with Abbess Moira!"

Roman suddenly felt an icy grip on his innards. After everything he'd been through lately, the last thing he needed was for the one stabilizing force in his life to be in jeopardy.

"What's going on, Sister?" Roman pursued.

Alissa peeked out around the column, continuing only when she was convinced that the coast was clear.

"I'm not sure. She's been gone a lot lately. When I saw her leave early this morning I'm pretty sure she was...crying." 

Crying? If asked who was the toughest person in all the Realm, Roman would have nominated the Abbess without a second thought, so the implications of this chilled him to the bone.

"Don't worry, Sister," Roman said, steering Alissa back down the echoey hall. "I'll talk to her and find out what's going on."

"Please do," Alissa replied. "If she's not here to keep things...stable, I don't know what we'll do."

Roman nodded with acute awareness, bade her farewell, headed to his cell, changed into his robes and then went looking for the Master of Novices. 

Once again, rest would have to wait. 

***

True to form, Regis had a veritable back-log of chores for Roman to perform: sweeping, splitting firewood, cleaning out the chicken coop and attending to a seemingly endless parade of ministrations for the locals. All important tasks, but performed under a pall of distraction and worry.

When his last task was done for the day, Roman returned to his cell. He kept his door ajar, waiting for the audible clues signaling Moira's return. Late in the afternoon he heard footsteps approach her office and the creak of the door opening and coming to. After predicting that "oil hinges" would be added to his future task queue, he gave Moira a few minutes to settle in, then crossed the hall and rapped on her door. At first there was no answer.

"Moira? It's Roman," he whispered to the closed portal, keeping furtive watch on the cellarium hallway. "Are you in there? Do you have a moment?"

There was no response for what felt like an eternity. Eventually the door opened, forcing Roman to stand upright or tumble face first into the room. As soon as he laid eyes on the Abbess, his fears were confirmed. She looked worried sick, to the point where Roman felt guilty for disturbing her.

Wordlessly she offered a wan smile, gestured for him to enter and then sealed the door behind them.   

***

"So, when's the last time you saw him?"

Moira poured an incremental amount of sherry into her glass; a self-deluding gesture since a multitude of similar pours had preceded it.

"Five days ago," she sniffed and wiped her nose on the back of her hand. "I've scoured all his usual haunts - the Marketplace, the Lost Souls and the Rogue - but no-one has seen hide nor hair of him." 

Roman digested this and begged off a proffered drink.

"Has Aiden ever been out of your sight for this long?"

"No," she croaked, swirling the dark liquid around in her glass. “Well, at least not until recently."

The cleric's brow furrowed in reaction to this.

"Why? What happened?"

"A few months ago he found out that the deity of our people is St. Cuthbert and not Pelor," Moira sniffed. "Well, as soon as he heard that, he went completely foolish. One day he just up and announced that he was convertin’ and - as you can well imagine - that caused quite the row between us, especially in light of my personal history with that crowd..."

Noting the puzzled look on Roman's face, the Abbess winced and looked away.

"Just suffice to say that a priest of St. Cuthbert helped me once, but his motivations were less than honorable."

The priest acknowledged this with a simple nod. Rumors about young Moira's trials and tribulations were rampant in town and Roman wasn't about to exploit this moment to satiate his own curiosity.

"I understand," he prompted. "Go on..."

"As you well know, most of the folks in Castebridge are Belgic, so Aiden's been tryin’ to establish a parish dedicated to St. Cuthbert for the past few months now."

Roman's brow furrowed. 

"How I'm I just hearing about this now?" 

"Well, it's been pretty hard goin’ for him," Moira replied. "They may be Belgic but they're also completely devoted to Pelor, so his efforts have barely made a ripple. Hasn’t slowed him down one bit, though...bless his heart."

Roman smiled and shifted his weight against the desk he was leaning on. 

"Sounds like he inherited his mum's determination."

Moira chuckled and wiped at her puffy red eyes.

"'Pig-headedness', you mean," and laughed in spite of herself. "It's a shame, too, 'cause things were finally goin' pretty good between us...until he started askin' me for money to help start up this church. Can you imagine how much that would set the tongues in town a-waggin' if I did that?”  

Now that the crisis stood revealed, Roman felt a modicum of relief, but the situation still troubled him. People disappeared from Castebridge all the time...but very rarely would they turn up alive again.   

"Okay, leave it with me," he announced, pushing himself upright.

"Oh, no, no, no," Moira said, looking genuinely pained. "This isn't your burden. You have your own responsibilities to the town...to the parish..."

"Yeah, so Denneth and Malachan like to remind me," Roman growled. "The difference is that I don't owe them my life."

The Abbess waveringly rose to her feet and took her young protegee by the hand. 

"You don't owe me a thing, lad."

"I respectfully disagree," Roman countered. He embraced her, then turned, paused at the threshold and fixed the Abbess with a determined stare. 

"We'll find your son, Moira," he said. "I promise you that."

When the door came to, she finally cracked. But this time the tears sprung from a renewed sense of hope instead of rank despair.  

***

"So, any leads at the market?"

Lorelei came to attention, leaned back in her chair and tried to raise her voice over the din of the suppertime rabble.  

"Well, it's not Starday so there weren't a lot of vendors there." 

"Understood. Did you talk to anyone?"

"Of course!" the druid replied, making a face. "A couple of the local farmers and food-related merchants were still there. One described Aiden as 'annoying but harmless' and that he was 'always standing up on some box somewhere' ranting about some 'pagan foolishness'.”

Lorelei turned towards Kerbin. Distracted by a tempting mutton sandwich destined for another table, the ranger finally wrenched his attention back to the conversation at hand.

"Oh, yes...they said he was preaching at the market about two weeks ago," he recounted. "I guess the crowd was pretty rough: they jeered him, threw things at him and told him to 'shove off'. He hasn't been seen there since."

Roman cleared his throat and took a healthy quaff of ale.  

"Yeah, I spoke to some of the patrons here and the few who recognized him also said that they haven't seen him in awhile."

"Wait," Pol quizzed. "Didn't the tavern owner recognize him?"

Roman nodded.

"Yeah, Devin said that Aiden was a 'persistent pest' who annoyed patrons so badly that Falstaff barred him from the place two or three weeks ago."

"Dead end," Korrick remotely lamented, staring blankly into the idle fireplace.

"Hold up a second," the cleric said, waving at Gwenned in an effort to flag her down.

"Your food should be coming up soon," the veteran barmaid declared as she stacked a platoon of empty mugs on her hip-supported tray. "Anyone want another drink?"

Ignoring the flurry of skyward hands, Roman pressed on. 

"Gwenned, do you remember an annoying kid being in here a little while back? Wearing red and white priest robes and maybe a starburst necklace with red gems on it?"

Without missing a beat, the server wiped down a nearby table and dispensed her knowledge like beer from a tap.

"No, but I do remember a bunch of Lost Souls regulars infesting this place about four or five days ago. That is until we told them to slither back into the decrepit hole they crawled out of."    

"Aaaaaand, I can help with that!" Bria enthused as Gwenned whisked away to a presumably-less-nosy destination.

"You went to that dump this afternoon?" Lorelei quizzed, looking vaguely repulsed.  

"'Dump'? Hey, that's my normal Starday night hang out!"

"So, what did you find out?" Roman asked with a pleading hand gesture.

Clearly delighted to have the floor, Bria leaned back and linked her fingers in her hair. 

"Well, the few patrons there didn't have a lot to say."

"Dead end," Korrick muttered, trying to pick a bubble out of his glass of milk.

"You would think so!" the thief enthused. "But I managed to bend the ear of Klien, the tavern's owner. Oh, by the way, I need twenty Crowns from petty cash to cover a few - let's say - incidentals..."

"Get on with it!" Lorelei shouted.

Startled, the footpad picked up her mug of hot cocoa ghava and promptly buried her face in it

"Please, Bria, ignore the mean ol' half-orc at the table," Roman offered, shooting a dirty look at Lorelei.

Hearing this, the rogue immediately brought her mug slamming back onto the table, sending a random rivulet of liquid unnaturally high into the air. Miraculously it all landed right back into the glass without spilling a drop. Bria took a deep breath and then babbled the rest of her story at a juggernaut pace.

"WELL...Klein said Aiden was in there a few days ago, annoying people with his 'ramblings about St. Eggbert'. But then he struck up a conversation with this posh-looking fellow who seemed really upset about something. This caught the attention of three other patrons: a Galadrian thief, a Southron fighter and some 'weird-looking guy in a robe'. Eventually they all left together."

The group fell into silence as they wrestled with their collective thoughts.

"Okay, so who was the rich guy? And how do we find him?" Pol finally inquired.

Bria suddenly looked crestfallen.

"All Klein knew was that he was some random big shot from Footholde."

The renewed gulf of quiet contemplation was interrupted by Korrick muttering something barely audible.

"Rich people like staying at nice places."

That's when the realization dawned on Roman.

"Korrick, I could kiss you!" he said as he leapt up in search of Falstaff.

The dwarf pursed his lips and closed his eyes as everyone else fell into ranks behind the priest. He stayed like this until Pol went back to to the table and pulled him to his feet. 

"Sorry, buddy," she growled. "You've hit your limit of one random smooch per week!"

"Hey! Can't this wait until we eat?" Kerbin asked as he reluctantly drifted after his new friends. 

***

Just as Roman was about to knock on the door, Falstaff's wife Heleine approached with a tray bearing a mutton shank, creamed potatoes with gravy and a fist-sized biscuit. Kerbin had to make a concerted effort not to grab it and dash off with it. 

"Pardon," she said as she squeezed through the scrum and leaned close to the door. "Lord Welland...I have your dinner here!"

"Well, it's about time!" came the stern reply. "Enter!"

Heleine rolled her eyes at the group and let Bria open the door for her.

"Thanks," she sheepishly replied as she maneuvered her way into the room. The cutpurse shrugged at her fellow adventurers and they all piled in after her.

The first offence to the group's communal senses were olfactory: the room smelled of stale food and body odor. As they crowded through the door frame they noticed a host of  disused cups and soiled plates scattered about on every level surface. Laying prostrate on the bed was an obese bearded man in opulent but food-stained raiments. As if to escape his presence as quickly as possible, Heleine handed him the tray, turned tail and made a bee-line for the exit.

"Wench!" Welland bellowed, gesturing to the motley crew still lingering around the room. "Your help need not service the room at this time. I wish to be alone!"

Heleine turned back, wringing her hands in consternation. Inspired by the pleading looks from the adventurers, she came up with a quick improvisation.

"Oh, Lord Welland," she began tentatively. "These aren't my staff; they're the Mayor's special agents...just back from their latest assignment! He wanted them to check in with you...to see if they could help you find your missing items!" 

The portly guest licked his lips and appraised the group with a skeptical eye.

"A rather aberrant and irregular-looking bunch, are they not?" he wheezed. "I should think that Denneth would choose more uniform and regimented operatives to represent him."

Weary of the low key abuse, Roman stepped to the forefront.

"I assure you, Lord Welland, we've been authorized by the Castebridge town council to deal with any affronts to both residents and visitors."   

"Good luck," Heleine whispered to Lorelei as she retreated from the room.

Roman acknowledged her departure, sealed the door and turned back to see Welland struggling to sit upright in the bed. After exhibiting the same level of effort a turtle flipped on its back might require to right itself, he proceeded to assault the tray of food with strategic precision. That's when the heroes noticed that his forearms were covered with abrasions and there was a sizable greenish bruise on his temple.   

"Falstaff, the owner of the inn, told me that you checked in back on the 28'th? Is that correct?"

Welland's expression seemed permanently frozen in a look of suspicion.

"Yes, why?"

"He says that you and your entourage were the victim of theft?"

The man picked at his teeth with the nail of his little finger and tongued the same spot for a moment before answering.

"Yes, we were out hunting when we were set upon by a horde of these terrifying dog-like creatures."

"What happened?" Pol demanded. 

Whether it be her physical presence or the authoritative delivery of the question, the last vestiges of Welland's reticence seemed to melt away.

"We put up a brave fight but they outnumbered us four to one. They swarmed us, stole my possessions and scrambled off."

"Did you report this to the town guards?" Kerbin asked.

Welland scoffed so dramatically a residual piece of mutton flew out of his mouth. Without missing a beat he put the wayward fragment back where it came from and continued on.

"Of course I did, you dolt! The captain of guard gave me some pathetic excuse about their ranks suffering a recent loss and they couldn't spare the manpower to recover my items. Ridiculous....why, that would mean that the entire town is completely undefended!"

The adventurers shared a web of sheepish looks as Welland obliviously barreled onward, apparently relishing this unexpected opportunity to complain.

"With precious little help forthcoming, I was forced to take matters into my own hands," he said, spiritedly licking his fingers. "First I checked the pub next door to see if I could retain a few brave adventuring types, but the place was populated with slack-jawed waifs and simpletons."

Welland appraised his plate, clearly gauging his next move. 

"After learning that there was another tavern in town, we took a trip over to the Lost Souls and found the sort of desperate, pathetic lot that we needed. There was a youngster there begging for money, so I hired him to locate my goods - particularly my signet ring - for three-hundred crowns."

As the nobleman brought a clenched fist up to his mouth, belched and took a deep sip of ale, Roman alighted in a chair set close to bed. He immediately felt a pang of regret since  the stench in the room was more pronounced at this proximity.  

"So that was four days ago?"

Welland stopped munching for a second and his features twisted in a look of calculation.

"Wait...what's today?"

"Earthlife the fourth," Bria offered helpfully. 

"Well, yes, then...I suppose that's right."

As Pol sidled up to Roman, she instinctively put the back of her hand up to her nose in a vain attempt to mitigate the stench. 

"Any you haven't heard from them since then?"

A shaken head was all she got in reply. 

"Lord Welland, these people are clearly overdue...have you informed the authorities?" she demanded. 

"What authorities?" Welland guffawed, launching a few new food particles. "Besides, the pup didn't go alone: he had three others with him, including an absolute beast from Mata Loreta. I'm sure they'll get back any moment now!"

Roman hung his head in his hands and heaved a world-weary sigh. Any semblance of his optimism had melted away.

"Can you show us where you were attacked?" Kerbin asked. Unwilling to go any closer, he relayed the map to Pol who then handed it on to the nobleman. 

At the last second Welland realized how greasy his hands were brutally molested a hitherto-ignored napkin before taking the scroll case. After popping the seal he removed the document inside, unfurled it and fell into examination.

"Yes, well, it was just about here," he concluded, pointing a stubby digit at a spot along the southern trail. "After the bastards swarmed us and took my belongings, they vanished over the bank close to the lake...just a bit further past the abandoned cart and the canyon entrance."

Pol raised up to her full stature and put her hands on her hips.

"I know exactly where it is," she declared. "I had to sneak past their lair when I first got to Castebridge. It's not far!"

Hearing this, Roman immediately perked up.

"Really? Okay, then...let's go!" 

The cleric leapt to his feet, snatched the map back and then quickly ushered his allies out of the room.

The tumult of humanity was half way down the steps before a though occurred to Welland and he called after them:

"It's three-hundred Crowns total not each, by the way!" 

***
Next time out: our heroes track the raiders down to an underground complex and the dark legacy of this barely-explored continent starts to come to light! 

Image Credits:



Lord Welland: https://forgottenrealms.fandom.com/wiki/Mirt

Wednesday, March 19, 2025

OOP # 3 : Living Vicariously - "Monsters Menace America"

As a dedicated Godzilla fanatic, I've been predisposed to every "monster mash" board game I've ever encountered, starting with SPI's The Creature that Ate Sheboygan from 1979. 

With its "legal document"-style rule book, antiquated combat results table and lo-fi production design, this one definitely has two gargantuan, clawed feet firmly planted in the realm of olde skool war games. Mercifully, the rules are fairly light, so there's actually a modicum of fun to be had here. 

The next kaiju-adjacent board game that I became aware of was Monsters Ravage America

This one was published on 1998; the exact same year Avalon Hill was bought out by HasBORG. Based solely on the theme, I was pretty gung ho to pick it up...that is until I saw it in the wild. 

It was, without a doubt, one of the ugliest games I'd ever laid eyes on. The cover art was hideous, the board looked bland and the monster depictions were infantile. Hard pass.   

Now, I've already talked at length about how Avalon Hill morphed from hard-core, hex-n'-chit hobby war gaming publisher into a dumbed-down subsidiary of HasBORG. 

Here's an excerpt from that post:

"Granted, the lion's share of Avalon Hill's titles were too complex for my pea-brain, but I always had a deep respect, appreciation and genuine interest in what they did. I even bought lighter fare like DiplomacyBlackbeard and Hitler's War at one point.  Unfortunately, as soon as Hasbro bought them out, their entire catalog went out of print." 

I go on to posit that the HasBORG execs had no sweet clue what to do with such niche, cerebral fare as Advanced Squad Leader, Titan, Hannibal: Rome versus Carthage, Republic of Rome, We the People, Advanced Third Reich, and 1830.

Instead, the company did a hard pivot to simpler strategic games, likely in an effort to appeal to those who had outgrown Parker Brothers games but found traditional hex n' chit war games to be boring and impenetrable.

This resulted in a veritable tsunami of Ameritrash, including Star Wars: Queen's Gambit (2000), Axis & Allies Pacific (2001), History of the World (a 2001 reprint of an original Avalon Hill title), the revised Axis & Allies (2003), Axis & Allies D-Day (2004), Betrayal at House on the Hill (2004), Axis & Allies Miniatures (2005), Nexus Ops (2005) and Roborally (2005)

And apparently they thought that there was enough game in Monsters Ravage America to a warrant a shwanky face-lift in the form of 2005's Monsters Menace America.

This brings me to the hand-written game diary I started circa 2004-5 before switching over to a Word document in 2009. And - hey- guess what? I still have those hand-scrawled notes...but the electronic version now lies trapped in digital RAM-ber 'cuz my old laptop died.

Anyhoo, here's the relevant entry from October 12'th, 2008:

I picked up Monsters Menace America in a nice, little FLGS in Charlottetown while visiting Cathy and Shane for Taylor's 5'th birthday. I managed to snag this bad boy for $30. Inspired by James "Angry Video Game Nerd" Rolfe's "Godzillathon" series video review, I've decided it's time to test drive this sucka.

I've decided to do a three-monster game featuring:

Tomanagi (using the Army) 

Konk (wielding the Navy) 

...and Gargantis (controlling the Air Force)

Coming direct from Japan, Tomanagi starts just off the southern west coast of the U.S. Oddly, Konk is no-where near New York, instead breaking loose between Atlanta, Nashville and Cincinnati (?). Gargantis is crowned "King of the Locusts" when he appears northwest of Omaha. 

The eight unrepresented Marine units are placed on the board, two Rocket Launchers and two Fighters per coast, with one per space. 

Tomangi's player places one armor in a hex northwest of NYC, a Rocket Launcher in Austin and a National Guard aircraft in Tampa, Florida.

In lieu of placing units, Konk's player draws a Military Research card and gets a "Molecular Cannon."

Gargantis drops one Cruise Missile south of Philadelphia, an aircraft at the OK Corral and a National Guard Tank in Phoenix.

TURN ONE

Tomanagi

Monster Move: stomps off to L.A.

Military Move: the Army moves a Rocket Launcher four spaces north and a Tank four spaces west to Detroit.

Fight: n/a

Encounter: Tomanagi trashes Los Angeles, gaining nine life on a throw of 3d6! He's now up to 20 Health!

Deploy: A Rocket Launcher is dispatched to Denver, one Tank is deployed to the base north west of Kansas City and a National Guard Tank appears in Minneapolis.  

Konk

King Konk? More like King KAKE, amirite???

Move: The great ape waddles off to Chicago. 

Monster Move: He has no Navy units yet.

Fight: n/a

Encounter: Konk stomps Chicago and rolls an "8" on his 2d6! He's up to 18 points!     

Deploy: Places one Navy Fighter in San Diego while a Sub is dropped in the hex south of Tomanagi. A National Guard unit (a Tank presumably?) is delivered to Fresno. 

Gargantis

Monster Move: The massive mantis skitters three hexes off to Old Faithful. 

Military Move: Doesn't move any military units.

Fight: n/a

Encounter: Gargantis wrecks Old Faithful for two Infamy points.

Deploy: One Fighter is placed two hexes west of Winnipeg, another in Kansas City and a  National Guard Tank rolls out in Salt Lake City.

TURN TWO

Tomanagi 

Monster Move: The giant lizard wades into San Francisco. 

Military Move: Doesn't move any military units.

Fight: n/a

Encounter: Tomanagi annihilates San Fran for eleven more Hit Points on a 2d6 roll...he's at 31!

Deploy: One Army Tank in Seattle, one in Nashville and one National Guard Tank in Detroit.

Konk

Monster Move: Our boi lopes four hexes east to Pittsburgh

Military Move: n/a

Fight: n/a

Encounter: Konk wrecks havoc in Pittsburgh, gaining six hit points. He's up to 26!

Deploy: Two Fighters scramble: one north west of Seattle, one in San Diego and a National Guard Tank is stationed in Sacramento.

Gargantis

Monster Move: Off to the Experimental Breeder Reactor #1! 

Military Move: A Fighter speeds off to Salt Lake City and another patrols the skies just south east of the city.

Fight: n/a

Encounter: Gargantis kicks the crap out of the Reactor for some "War Spikes."

(NOTE: You don't Stomp Mutation spaces and a Monster is limited to one Mutation per site.)

Deploy: He places one Fighter on the Vegas Strip and another at the O.K. Corral while a National Guard Fighter is deployed to Portland.

TURN THREE 

Tomanagi 

Monster Move: lumbers four spaces north to Portland. 

Military Move: one Tank motors three spaces east to St. Louis and is joined by a Missile Launcher.

Fight: Round One - Tomangi rolls a "5" against the defending Fighter. Hit and destroyed!

Encounter: He trashes Portland for a single Hit Point, bringing him to 32 Health!

Deploy: He places one Tank in Charlotte, one Missile Launcher north west of New York and a National Guard Fighter over Three Mile Island.

Konk

Monster Move: The savage simian trundles three hexes off to Detroit. 

Military Moves: Two Fighters streak  from San Diego to Sacramento. The Nuclear Sub moves four spaces north and a Fighter boldly moves into Tomanagi's space!

Fight: Konk takes on a pair of Tanks. Round One: Goes after the National Guard Tank, rolls a "4"...hit! Versus the Army Tank..."2"...miss! His second attack turns up a "6"...a hit! Both units destroyed!

The Fighter attacks Tomanagi and plays "Molecular Cannon." Die roll damage is "5"! 32 - 5...he's reduced to 27 Health and gets sent packing back to his starting hex!

Encounter: Konk demolishes Detroit and rolls a "10" on the 2d6 roll, bringing him up to 36 Health!

Deploy: One Nuclear Sub is launched south west of San Diego while a Fighter takes to the skies over the city itself. One National Guard Tank is also placed south east of San Diego at the Marine base.

Gargantis

Monster Move: The giant mantis moves three hexes south west to the Nevada Test Site.

Military Move: n/a

Fight: n/a

Encounter: Gargantis mauls the Test Site and gets the "It's a Robot!" Mutation!

Deploy: One Fighter is assigned to Kansas City while a Cruise Missile is installed south of Philadelphia. Unfortunately, there aren't any National Guard units available right now!  

TURN FOUR

Tomanagi

Monster Move: Travels two hexes towards San Diego. 

Military Move: Two Army Tanks and two Army Missile Launchers make their way towards Konk.

Fight: Before the first round begins, the Missile Launchers get "1" and "4" on their attacks...I.E. one hit!

Tomanagi gets one extra attack in a seacoast space! Goes after the Rocket Launcher and rolls a "1" - a miss - and a "6" - a hit! He then rolls a "6", smacking the Fighter out of mid-air! 

(NOTE: I didn't document what destroyed the second Missile Launcher in that space, but Tomanagi did have four attacks and he ends up Stomping this space, so I assume he cleared it out!)

Round One: Army versus Konk. The giant ape attacks the Missile Launcher, rolls "4" and hits! Misses with a "2" against the second Launcher but then gets "3" (needed 3+) so that's a hit! Then the Tanks roll a "1" and a "5" and cause one point of damage to Konk!

Round Two: Konk attacks the first Tank and scores a "6" for a hit...but subsequent rolls of "3" and "4" both fail! The Tank counter-attacks but gets a "1"! 

Since military units still remain (and they attacked on Tomanagi's turn), he chooses to retreat Konk back north one space. He then draws a Military Research Card and gets "Second Generation."

Encounter: Tomanagi kicks the crap out of San Diego for three Health points on the d6 roll. Since its also a Military Base, Tomanagi gains an Infamy token and the Navy is forced to give him a Fighter as a Trophy.   

Deploy: One Missile Launcher is poised in Nashville, one Tank is placed north west of NYC and one Tank guards Charlotte. 

Konk

Monster Move: The simian shuffles four spaces west to Minneapolis. 

Military Move: two Fighters from Sacramento attack Tomanagi and both Subs also unload their Cruise Missiles at him. 

Fight: Konk goes after a National Guard Tank and hits with a "6"! 

The Navy versus Tomanagi! Round One: He's in a seacoast space so he gets four attacks! Needs a 4+ to nail the Fighter. After missing with a "3" he dials up a "6" and a "4", trashing two planes back-to-back. He then goes after the Cruise Missile but the "3" roll fails. 

Then the two Cruise Missiles counter-attack, needing a "4" to hit! The first Fighter roll a "4"...one hit for three damage! The second Cruise misses with a "3"...then both units are destroyed!

Encounter: Konk devastates Minneapolis and gets a "5" on a d6 Health roll. He's up to 40 Health!

Deploy: A Sub enters the hex south west of San Diego, one Fighter takes to the skies south west of Houston and a National Guard Tank rumbles into Fresno.

Gargantis

Monster Move: The megabug moves three hexes south east towards Albuquerque. 

Military Move: one Fighter jets three spaces north, another flies east and two Cruise Missiles launch north west eight hexes...all converging on Konk.  

Fight: Air Force versus Konk, who is +1 versus Fighters. Round One: He rolls "2" + 1 = 3 (miss), "1" + 1 = 2 (miss) and "3" + 1 = 4...hit! One Fighter gets downed! The Air Force counters, but the Fighter misses with a "1." BOTH Cruise Missiles scores a "6"...a DOUBLE SMASH! This inflicts 3 + 1 = 4 x 2 = 8 points of damage, so Konk drops down to 32 points and Cruise Missiles are wrecked on impact. 

Round Two: Konk versus the remaining plane, rolls "1" + 1 = 2 (miss) and "6" + 1 = 7...that's a knock down! 

Encounter: n/a

Deploy: One Cruise Missile is placed south of Philadelphia and another south east of Dallas. No National Guard units are currently available, so this is skipped.     

TURN FIVE

Tomanagi 

Monster Move: The Big T sneaks four spaces south along the phalanx of Marine and National Guard units and arrives at the O.K. Corral

Military Moves: The two Tanks northwest of Charlotte charge at Konk. The Nashville-based Missile Launcher joins them, as well as the Tank sitting in the rubble of Detroit. 

Fight: Tomanagi Round One versus the aircraft. Rolls a "2" - miss - but then a "5" and a "6" for two hits!

Encounter: Tomanagi trashes the Corral, gaining two Infamy Tokens for the site plus one more 'cuz it's also an Air Force Base! He also takes a Fighter as a Trophy!

Deploy: Picks up a Military Research card - a "Laser Fence."

Konk 

Monster Move: heads off towards Mount Rushmore.

Military Move: sends a Navy aircraft to the Vegas Strip. 

Fight: n/a

Encounter: Konk crushes Mount Rushmore for a pair of Infamy tokens.

Deploy: One Nuclear Sub surfaces south west of the ruined San Diego and a  plane rolls out on the tarmac south west of Houston.

Gargantis

Monster Move: two hexes to Roswell. 

Military Move: Cruise Missile diverts from the base south east of Baltimore to Kansas City.

Fight: n/a

Encounter: Gargantis rips into Roswell and gets the "Rampage" mutation. (NOTE: again, you just need to visit these spots, not STOMP them)

Deploy: One Fighter goes on a sortie Kansas City and another aircraft protects the base north east of Houston.

TURN SIX

Tomanagi

Monster Move: off to the VLA Radio Telescope! 

Military Move: Three Tanks and a Missile Launcher divert to the Largest Ball of Twine! 

Fight: n/a

Encounter: Tomanagi stomps the Ball for two Infamy. 

Deploy: Draws "Guard Commander" for Military Research!

Konk

Monster Moves: Like Bugs Bunny, Konk makes a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

Military Moves: two Subs become Cruise Missiles and fly at Tomanagi, two Fighters south west of Houston move five spaces to pile on and the Vegas Strip Fighter jets off two spaces to attack the giant lizard.

Fight: Navy versus Tomanagi. Round One: The creature attacks a Fighter, rolls a "1" (miss) "3" (miss) and a "4"...a hit! Spends three Infamy to continue the assault, rolling "2" and rolls a pair of "6's"...two hits! 

The Cruise Missile hits true on a roll of "5", causing three points of damage. The second Cruise Missile fires wide with a "2."

Encounter: Konk crushes Albuquerque and nets a single Health Point. 

Deploy: Draws the Military Research card "Mecha-Monster" and places it at the base south west of Houston.

Gargantis 

Monster Move: three spaces to the Alamo. 

Military Move: two Cruise Missiles launch towards Konk, plus four fighters.

Fight: Konk scraps with the military, gets +1 to hit versus Fighters. Round One: He rolls "5" + 1 = 6 (a hit!), "2" + 1 = 3 (miss) and "6" + 1 = 7...a hit! 

The military counter-attacks! The first plane rolls a "6"...which causes two points of "SMASH" damage. The second Fighter rolls a "3"...a miss! With rolls of "2" and "1", both Cruise Missiles telegraph their target and are destroyed! Even worse: that roll of "1" causes Konk to Mutate into a"Winged Horror"!

Round Two: "2" + 1 = 3 (miss), "6" + 1 = 7 (hit!) and "5" + 1 = 6 (hit!). 

Encounter: Gargantis annihilates the Alamo and gets two Infamy tokens. Since it's also a Military Base he also claims a Fighter for a Trophy and picks up one more Infamy token. 

TURN SEVEN

Tomanagi

Monster Move: one hex north west to the Challenge Site. 

Military Move: Two Missile Launchers and three Tanks move into Konk's space! Uses "Guard Commander" to move one National Guard Tank to Konk. 

Fight: Before the battle begins, the Missile Launcher rolls a "3" and a "2"...both miss! 

Konk versus the Army. Round One: Attacks a Missile Launcher and hits with a "4." He follows this up with two misses: a "1" and a "2." Regular Missile Launcher attack: "2" is a miss. Three Tanks get "5", "2" and "1"...one hit! The National Guard Tank gets a "5" and scores another hit. 

Round Two: Konk wrecks the Missile Launcher with a "6" and then obliterates a Tank with a "6." The third roll - "3" - is a miss. Two Tanks roll "5" and a "3" for one hit! The National Guard Tank whiffs with a "2." 

Military units remain, so they force Konk to retreat one hex north west. They draw a Military Resource Card called "Chopper Lift."

Encounter: n/a

Deploy: Thanks to "Second Generation", they place one Tank in Denver as well as a Missile Launcher in both Austin and the base north west of Kansas City. 

Konk

Monster Move: he trundles off to the Vegas Strip. 

Military Move: Mecha-Monster moves into Gargantis's space!  

Fight: Gargantis versus Mecha-Monster! Attack rolls are "1", "1" and "2"...all misses! 

Mecha Monster's counter attack is "1"...another miss! 

Next round: "5" is a hit for four damage! The next swing is a "6" - a SMASH - and the damage is 3 + 1 (SMASH damage) and +1 for the "War Spike." Mecha-Monster is destroyed with one mighty blow! 

Encounter: Tomanagi drops a "Laser Fence."

Konk pays two Infamy to stay in place and then mashes the Vegas Strip underfoot, earning back two Infamy and a bonus point for the Air Force Base there. He then claims a matching plane as a Trophy.

Deploy: He places one Fighter in the Base south west of Houston and a Sub off the west coast.

Gargantis

Monster Move: the beast wades into downtown Houston. 

Monster Move: They have no military units left to move!

Fight: n/a

Encounter: Gargantis mauls Houston for two Health on the d6 roll! 

Deploy: One Cruise Missile is dropped in Kansas City and one in the base south east of Dallas.

END OF REGULAR PLAY

***

CHALLENGE PHASE

Tomanagi  - 24 Health versus Gargantis - 12 Health 

Round One

Tomanagi leads with three attacks, rolling "3" (a miss...causing him to drop to 23 Health due to the electrocution from "It's a Robot!"), a "2" (22 Health) and a "4"...finally a hit for three damage! Then he spends three Infamy and rolls a "1" (21 Health), a "1" (20 Health) and a "4"...a hit for three damage!

Gargantis performs three attacks, starting with a "5" for a whopping four damage (thanks to "War Spikes") and reducing his opponent to 16 Health! His second attack roll of "4" also lands, dropping Tomanagi to 12! The third attack roll of "2" misses. Next up are the Infamy-fueled strikes, the first of which scores a SMASH with a "6"...resulting in 3 +1 (War Spikes) +1 SMASH = 5. The big lizard is down to 7...he's in trouble! The next Infamy attack is a "5"...another hit, dropping his foe down to 3! The third roll - a "2" - a temporary reprieve - but the coup de gras comes in the form of a "6" - yet another SMASH! The resulting five points of damage puts Tomanagi in the dirt!

Holy plot twist!!!

DAMAGE RECAP

24 - 4 misses due to "It's a Robot"!

20 - 12 (three hits...3 + 1 = 4 points each)

8 - 10 (two SMASHES...damage is 3 + 1 + 1 = 5 each hit)

12 - 6 (two hits)

GARGANTIS WINS!

Round Two

Gargantis  - 6 + 3 + 24 (Tom's Weigh-In Value) = 33 versus Konk - 27

Gargantis performs three attacks, rolling "4" (a hit for four damage), a "1" (miss) and a "2" (miss). Then there are the Infamy attacks: a "6" (causing 3 + 1 +1 SMASH damage), a "3" and a "3"...another miss! 

Konk battles back, rolling a "4" (which inflicts three damage), a "3" (a miss, which causes him to lose  one Health) and a "4", another hit for three damage! The Infamy-fueled strikes include "3" (a miss, knocking off another -1 Health), a "5" (a strike for three damage) and the last roll is a "1", which misses for another -1 Health penalty.

Gargantis performs three attacks, rolling a "3", a "4" and a "5." That's two smacks in total for grand total of eight damage! The giant ape is reduced to seven Hit Points!

Konk tries to battle back, rolling a "3" a two "2's." Sadly, all he gets out of this is three self-inflicted points of electrocution damage!

In the next segment, Gargantis polishes off his rival with a roll of "2" and a "5", the latter causing the four points of damage needed for the victory.

GARGANTIS WINS!!!

***

Here were my post-practice-game comments at the time:

"Totally brain-dead, nearly random game manages to wring out some fun factor, just due to its subject matter. It’s a lot of fun, stomping cities, mutating your monster and eating planes and tanks.

"Regrettably, for such a simple game, you certainly do a lot of scanning through the rules to answer questions. I’m still not sure if I played a bunch of stuff right.

"Some might argue that Gargantis was always clearly in third place and won almost due to blind luck. I disagree. The wicked combination of doing extra damage and the defensive damage from a miss really is what told the tale. So the card strategy is a valid path to win.

"Makes you wonder though. You can kick ass during the destruction phase, but end up sucking wind just because someone got an unbalanced card combo. How much will this piss people off?

"Fun, but it could have been so much better."

Three (!) months later I got a chance to run the game for Dean and Andrew. Here's how that played out:

December 18, 2008

"Finally got a chance to do my game turn with Monsters Menace America.

"Played at Andrew‘s place. With him as a new dad of only three months, we decided to play there so he can be close to L'il Logan. The kid's eyes widened like saucers while I laid out the board and rolled the dice in front of him. I think Audrey believes that I'm already starting my campaign of corruption.

"Me: Tomanagi, Dean: Zorb, Andrew Toxicor. I took the Army, Dean had the Marines and Andrew controlled the Air Force.

"I started on the West Coast, Andrew, the north east coast and Dean in Florida. Given Dean’s limited movement, he quickly realized his tactical error in basically cutting himself off on the peninsula.

"I quickly gobbled up the major cities on the West Coast. Andrew fumbled around a little bit, unfocused, nabbing a few re-rolls and Mutation cards. Dean seemed to know what he wanted to go for, but his rolling was horrendous and he was soon nearly penned up in Florida.

"Although I read the Military Strategy Tips, Andrew and Dean kept throwing military units at me piecemeal. As opposed to Dean, my rolling was stellar for the first little bit.

"My five-Defense Tanks soon proved to be pretty potent, especially with my good luck. I split my military attacks equally between Dean and Andrew, especially after getting a card that added one to my unit's movement.

"Dean finally broke out and headed for the heartland. I kept pounding on him, first with armor then with Mecha-Monster. With a healthy-looking lead, I found myself predictably in both Dean and Andrew‘s cross-hairs. My luck went a bit sour, but with a recently-gained 'Iron Stomach' mutation (and a healthy supply of big cities to munch on) I gained Health back as fast as I lost it.

"Andrew got above me for Health totals so I attacked him with Tanks over two rounds armed first with 'Scientific Analysis' then 'Antimatter'. With Dean unable to crawl back higher than 10 Health, I kept on Andrew with a 'Laser Fence'.

"With all these aggressive moves, I was making I continued to be a target. Andrew used 'Blonde Love' to waste one of my turns and then attacked me with seven Fighters and Cruise Missiles. I decided to use my 'Berserk' card to carry me through and my good rolling came back at a fortunate time.

"Andrew picked up the last STOMP marker but both me and Dean were within walking distance of a Challenge Site. Dean opted to STOMP another site before I took the Challenger role.

"I faced Dean first. We screwed up the first round of combat by only dealing one point of damage for a successful attack, but played the rest properly. Dean‘s horrendous luck continued and - after killing Zorb - Tomanagi had more health than when the fracas started. 

"Andrew put up more of a fight. My last antimatter Tank attack gave Toxicor an 'Atomic Breath' Mutation, which Andrew used a good effect. Still, my superior Health and 'Whip Tentacles' managed to defeat an already-beat-up Toxie.

"Error from last game: everyone agreed that you don’t stomp a Mutate site, your individual monster just can’t use a specific location a second time.

"I quickly manhandled 'Captain Colossus', who came down literally on Dean‘s last turn, leaving me with my own 'Mecha-Monster' to deal with. We didn’t play this out since it looked pretty foregone.

"Game went over very well to the point that Andrew said he’d like for me to pick up a copy at Gamezilla if I see it at a reasonable price.

"A few things will make next game more of a challenge for me: Andrew will be more focused, the Army will be the number one military acquisition, and Dean will probably either pick a more mobile creature or at the very least, not paint himself into a corner."

And here's the l'il capsule review I did for Monsters Menace America on Board Game Geek:

"Fun, mindless monster mash which almost renders most of the game pointless by near-arbitrary and luck-based end battle. 6.5 out of 10"

I'm gonna try and replay this sucka soon, so keep your eyes peeled on this space for my final thoughts.

Until then, make sure you only eat organic cities...and may all of your attack rolls be SMASHES! 

***     

UPDATE: I played a two-player match last night. Not recommended, by the way, since the National Guard and two branches of the military sit around idle and its really easy to avoid your opponent's forces. 

Despite my solid rolling in Fights against the military and Trevor's Toxicor, he won thanks to the creature's ability to mercilessly spam Mutations. NOTE: the game desperately needs tokens to keep track of what Mutation sites Monsters have already visited. 

His acquisition of "Radiation Field" crippled a lot of my late-game military assaults. Despite annihilating "Captain Colossal" in one turn and weathering "Berserk" thanks to five misses, things quickly went downhill for me in the end game.

First off, my precious "Armored Scales" (which gave me a clutch 5 Defense) were discarded in the very last round of regular play, thanks to an annoying "Stabilizer Ray" hit. Despite being powerless, I managed to hold my own during the Challenge Phase, but I just couldn't compete with Trevor's stack of Infamy tokens.

NOTE: since turns can fly by in this game, it's really easy to rush through steps and miss opportunities such as SMASHES and the first strike capability of Rocket Launchers. Pro-tip...announce and systemically go through the four phases of a turn  to avoid a frenetic pace and keep everyone on the same page.  

FINAL THOUGHTS

Seventeen (!!!) years later, I think my first impressions were spot on. The game didn't do anything particularly innovative back then and now it just feels kinda dated and creaky. Most of the game's playtime feels inconsequential compared to the Challenge Phase, with the final winner being he monster who collected the best Mutations. 

Having said that, I'm unlikely to ever part with Monsters Menace America. The awesome board and pieces are super charming, the garish art design is a clear product of the 2000's and the game is so fast-paced and goofy it never overstays its welcome.

This unique little Ameritrash time capsule scores three pips out of six with a colossal tilt up to the tip of Tomanagi's head spine.