"Blood Bowl": False Start

Many years after a Games Workshop ad in Dragon magazine piqued my curiosity about Blood Bowl, I actually had a chance to play the game.  One fateful morning back in the Spring of 2005, Dean and I popped into the now-defunct Allgoods Comics & Curiosities shop on Hollis Street in Halifax to have a gander.

After browsing through the clutter, we stumbled upon this beauty:

As tempting as it was, I really couldn't justify paying the $89.99 sticker price.  But Dean, being a passionate football nut and all-around fantasy geek, was completely mesmerized.  Although I'd immediately made up my mind that I wasn't to buy it, it would certainly be win-win for me if I could convince Dean to take the fall.

So naturally I went into what I like to call "L'il-Devil-On-The-Shoulder"-mode.

"Dude, just buy it already," I said, doing my best Wormtongue impersonation.  "You've already picked it up and put it back down, like, five times since we came in here."  

"Yeah.  Y'know, fuck it, it's ten dollars cheaper here then it is at 'Strange Adventures' and I've always wanted it,"  Dean said, carrying his flat rectangular prize over to the cashier.

Post-transaction, we took the newly-acquired booty down to a nearby coffee shop and broke open the box.  It was like the friggin' Tardis in there.  There was a slick-looking rulebook, a transparent plastic passing gauge, star player cards, team summaries, cheat sheets, an awesome board, and some cool-looking customized dice.

In fact, so much cool shit came out of that box that I was half-tempted to run back up to the store and see if they had another copy lying around.  Having said that, my initial enthusiasm was tempered somewhat by the two unassembled and unpainted plastic teams (Human and Orc) included with the game.  There'd been considerable board game innovation since Blood Bowl was first released in 1986 and, frankly, a bunch of iron-gray plastic figures still on their sprues seemed kinda archaic to me.

I decided keep my wallet sealed (at least until I had a chance to play Dean's copy).

Another wet blanket was dropped on my ardor when I found out that Games Workshop had essentially halted their support of the game since the Third Edition release in 1994.  In fact, if not for a grassroots fan movement, the game probably would have died a slow, lingering death.  In 2004, a cabal of  passionate Blood Bowl lunatics (in conjunction with the game's original designer Jervis Johnson) assembled ten years worth of evolved rules into the indispensable Living Rulebook.

Ironically, after hearing about the Living Rulebook, I indefinitely postponed any plans to purchase my own copy of the Third Edition.  After all, as daunting as the initial $100.00 price tag was, it was particularly egregious to discover that the fucking rulebook included in the game was obsolete.  In order  to pick up this sucker, the game play would have to be orgasmically mind-blowing.

Meanwhile, Dean quickly introduced the game to brother in law / fellow football fanatic / budding board game nerd Andrew.  Just recently, the three of us had started to alternate plays of such diverse communal fare as Star Wars Miniatures, Doom, Shadows over Camelot and Zombies!!!.  It was the tentative start to what would eventually become our weekly board game group.  

Unfortunately, when Dean and Andrew played Blood Bowl for the first time every other board game seemed to drop off the face of the earth.  Andrew immediately procured his own copy and both of them began snatching up new teams like two retirees buying scratch n' win tickets.  In fact, their single-minded devotion for Blood Bowl threatened to dash our formative game group in its infancy.  In order to keep gaming with these yahoos, I had to start playing Blood Bowl pronto (or play nothing at all).

But how to get into it without incurring huge financial start-up costs?  I didn't want to pay a hundred bucks for an outdated board game or fifty clams for an "official"metal team that I'd have to assemble and paint myself (although I have to admit, customizing your team is actually a huge part of the game's appeal).  So I decided to employ a low-rent and decidedly more pragmatic solution.  

I'd use Dungeon & Dragons minis.

So, I picked up a slew of these cheap bastards to represent my rookie orc team, feeling assuaged that I could also use them for future D&D adventures.  They even came in appropriate poses to help me distinguish between the different positions.

So, without further ado, let me introduce to you...

Kord Gorestump (Orc Thrower)

    Varash Bloodletter (Orc Blitzer)

Orbid Chopsalot (Black Orc)

and my own personal favorite...

Prak, Invader of Asses (Orc Lineman) 

Heh, heh..."Invader of Asses."

Now, giving names to your new team-members might sound like fun, but always remember the old RPG adage: "as soon as you name something, you're already emotionally attached to it".  And, trust me, in a game like Blood Bowl, becoming emotionally attached to your players is a really, really bad idea...

So, I played my very first Blood Bowl game on October 30'th, 2005.  Here's the session report:

KORD'S KILLERS (MY ORCS)       VS.       THE REGAL BEATSTICKS (ANDREW'S ORCS)

Andrew started his first drive with some horrendous luck.  My star thrower Kord Gorestump knocked one of Andrew's orcs out of bounds and broke his arm.  During my subsequent drive, secondary thrower Fangs McSlashy connected to Number Seven (Morg Eyes-Go-Pop) and the lineman ran in for the T.D.

Andrew responded by clobbering Kord, which also resulted in a fractured arm.  The Beatsticks went on a tear at the end of the first half, knocking out four of my orcs.  Even worse, only one of them managed to crawl back onto the pitch for the second half!  

From there on in I tried my best to play a defensive game but I was slowly and inexorably overwhelmed.  Andrew snagged the ball, motored down field and my back-tracking Lineman did a face plant trying to catch up with him.  

Despite getting the lion's share of my injured roster back for the Overtime Half, this portion of the game was a complete and total mockery.  With no re-rolls left on both sides it became a slapstick comedy of failed pick-ups, dodges and pratfalls.  Fangs did manage to connect for yet another pass, but it was all for nought.

In the end, the match was decided by (of all things) a random d6 die roll.  With my result of 4 to Andrew's 2, I managed to score a very cheap win.

Blood Bowl can be fun but it's also very luck-based.  Although it's easy to visualize and set up cool plays, it always seems to be virtually impossible to execute them.

I really wish that the game was more open-ended and higher-scoring instead of the grindy sort of  beat-down exemplified by this match.  Maybe a high-flying Elf Team would be more to my liking.

Still, the game seems like good, mindless fun and the League Play / Player Advancement is kinda cool.

Not exactly a ringing endorsement, is it?

My opinion of the game continued to worsen after I got shellacked 3 to nil in the next game by Andrew's Necromantic "Living Dead" team.  In the next match I managed to hold down a 1-1 tie with Dean's "Silent Screamer" Dark Elves.  Then, at the very end, with a glorious win just one space away, my orc rusher rolled a "1" while "going for it" and tripped just shy of the end zone.  Rather then face another grueling full half of overtime, we just decided to fudge the roll for a completely hollow 2-1 "victory".          

Despite the "win" it was yet another game of utter frustration for me since Dean managed to kill one of my veteran Black Orcs as well as a newly-acquired Blitzer!

The last game I ever played as head coach of "Kord's Killers" was against Andrew's "Hairy Lightning" Skaven team.  Again I was doing pretty good, winning 2-1 after rendering a huge chunk of Andrew's roster unconscious.  But then my luck went completely south and I suddenly found myself unable to complete the simplest play or mount any sort of defense, despite having excellent field position.

When Andrew managed to tie the game and then win in overtime, I was officially done with Blood Bowl.  Here were my post-game thoughts from January 15'th, 2006.

"I don't despise this game but I'm certainly lacking any real passion for it.  I don't own a copy, I've barely digested the rules, and I certainly haven't studied any 'strategies'.  

"This was my fourth game and I'm pretty sure that both Dean and Andrew have played at least triple that amount.  Honestly, there's nothing more frustrating then dominating a game only to have it all fall apart just because I'm not aware of some obscure rule, subtle strategy or timing nuance. 

"Either I'll ask Andrew or Dean to take over my team for the last three games or I'll continue to serve as a punching bag for the rest of the schedule and then be done with it.      

"Suffice to say that there are about a million other games I'd rather be playing right now instead of this one."

Yikes!  Ease up there, Bitchy McCrankypants!

In my defense, I wouldn't have been so whingey if we still playing a variety of games, but, at the time, Blood Bowl was the only thing that Andrew and Dean were willing to play.

As a result, I signed ownership of "Kord's Killers" over to Dean and officially retired from the sport of Blood Bowl.          

But, as the old saying goes...

As an added bonus, here's the Team Roster Sheet for "Kord's Killers" at the end of that preliminary season...

Damn, the team's record actually got worse under Dean's leadership.  Whatupwitdat, homes? 

P.S. Just for the record I came up with all the cool/funny/inventive names (like Krag "Stabby" Offenkill) but all the stupid, creatively bankrupt handles (like "Killer Pretty", WTF?!?) are totally Dean's invention.

Board Game Pron: "Blood Bowl"

In August of 1988 I picked up a copy of Dragon # 136 at the Leisure World craft and hobby shop in the Valley Mall in Corner Brook, Newfoundland.  In the middle of the magazine was a four page insert for a board game that instantly captivated me.

It looked like a combination of American Football, British Rugby and an organized soccer riot, all wrapped up in a glorious fantasy pastiche.  All of the archetypal races were represented: humans, orcs, goblins, elves, ogres and undead.  This game had it all: customizable team miniatures, star players, league play, character advancement, tiny footballs, a fucking Astrogranite® pitch and antisocial levels of unrepentant violence!

Although it would be many moons before I'd ever play Blood Bowl, I was completely enamored by the concept and revisited this article many times over the next ten years.           

Here's the original ad in all of its glory.  I challenge anyone to look this over and not feel a giddy thrill, a spark of imagination and then an overwhelming desire to find this game and then play the bejesus out of it!  

My Two Copper Pieces: First Impressions of "D&D Next"

 
As soon as I heard that Wizards was going to crowdsource the new edition of Dungeons & Dragons, I signed up to be a playtester quicker then you can say "anhkheg".  Then, on May 24'th I (and presumably a million other arrested development types) received the following email:

Dear Dungeons & Dragons® Fan,

You are receiving this email because you requested information about the start of the D&D Next Playtest and how to participate. We are pleased to inform you that playtesting for the next iteration of D&D® has begun!

To thank you for your early interest and enthusiasm, we’re giving you a head start on downloading the playtest packet. Later today, we will be making the materials available to all playtesters.

To download your official playtest packet, please click here and follow the instructions provided. You will need to log in with your Wizards account or create one if you do not already have one.

Thank you for your interest in the D&D Next Playtest. We look forward to your participation and feedback.

Happy Adventuring,

The D&D Team

After reading positive feedback from some very trusted sources I spent last night reviewing the playtest materials.  Here are my wholly unsolicited opinions, listed from negative to positive...

Critical Fail:

• Coup de grâce.  C'mon, you shouldn't have to roll to finish off an unconscious foe! 
• Characters don't croak until they hit their CON + LEVEL in negative hit points.  Sorry, but this makes characters more resilient then friggin' Rasputin...  
• Short Rests smack of Type Four Healing Surges.  How 'bout a max of ONE HD back for each Healing Kit usage?        
• Long Rests smack of being COMPLETELY BATSHIT NUTS.  Inspired by an old Dragon article I've always liked natural healing based on the circumstances of rest.  For example, sleeping on a cold Dungeon Floor?  You only get back your CON modifier (with a minimum of one Hit Point).  Sleeping on a bedroll in a cozy camp or at one-star inn?  10% (+ CON modifier) of Hit Points back.   Two-star inn?  20% (+ CON modifier) of Hit Points back.  Eggcetera.        
• Why do these pre-gens have so many friggin' Hit Points!?!   
• I understand the reasoning behind the the Reaper's infallible striking ability, but causing damage on a miss is Peryton poo.  How 'bout giving fighters with this ability a cumulative 25% for every miss and then allow them to roll percentile dice to cause their STR modifier in damage?      

True Neutral:

• Since I've been falling back on the old "roll under the appropriate Ability Score after modifiers on a d20" lately, I've sorta m'eh on Difficulty Class for Checks.  
• Saving Throws based around all six Ability Scores.  Although I gotta admit, this does make a lot of sense...
•  Individual Initiative just doesn't seem as fun as Group Initiative.
• Turning Undead as a spell.  Despite my immediate opposition, I didn't put this in the "con" category, since the ability to Turn Undead doesn't always make sense with every single clerical template.  But when it's appropriate (like for priests of Pelor) the playtest rules allow you to Turn as a swap-out spell.  Still, for undead-heavy campaigns, I'm thinking that a limited Turning capacity will be sorely by some players.            

Critical Hit:

• Minis are optional.
• Contests.
• Advantage / Disadvantage.  Increasingly so.
• Simple carrying capacity.
• Movement in Feet with no reference to "grid spaces".
• Surprise with an Initiative Penalty!
• Improvisational combat moves are actually encouraged. 
• Max damage on a, uh...Critical Hit.  
• Platinum and Electrum is appropriately rare and exotic.  
• Armor classified as Light, Medium and Heavy Armor (with a simplified Dexterity effect)
• Vancian magic.  What can I say, I'm a sucker for the classics.  
• Backgrounds influence starting skills.  Brilliant!
• The themes give players an immediate role-playing hook.  

Above all, the rules look simple.  They remind me of the Mentzer Basic Set books, spruced up with some legitimately good ideas cribbed fropm recent editions coupled with some completely new and innovative ideas for good measure.

I firmly believe that this approach is very sound.  Although I still dig Type 3 / 3.5 quite a bit, I always thought that the fusion between Basic and Advanced D&D was a bit of a mistake.  I think that Wizards knew it at the time too, since they ended up releasing no less then three Basic boxed sets after the fact:

Even the supposedly simplified Fourth Edition wasn't the sort of game that you could just jump in and start playing.  Hence this particularly deceptive fake-out:

 
So, in a way, even the initial approach here is "old school" (right down to the inclusion of "The Caves of Chaos").  Back in the day, after we'd mastered the Basic game, most of us automatically felt compelled to graduate to AD&D and experience all of the expanded possibilities that it offered.  That was a pretty solid formula, so why mess with it? 

After reading through the playtest materials for D&D Whateverthefuckitscalled, I'm left with the distinct impression that, at the very least, the design team is legitimately interested in extending the lifespan of this classic game.  Even if they ended up releasing the playtest rules exactly the way they are right now, I think it would appease the Old School crowd quite a bit and still be approachable enough for newbies to jump right in. 

And ultimately, that should be the goal of any new edition...
   
P.S. This particular vid sums up my thoughts to a "T"...

"Intentional Pounding": Blood Bowl Team Manager

So back on the 16'th we were supposed to play Marvel Heroes but no one had an opportunity to properly prep it.  And trust me, that ain't the sort of game that you can just throw down on the table, skim the rules and start playing.  You'll see why soon enough.


After indulging in some Zombie Dice as a preamble, it was time to pick a headliner for the evening.  Andrew had played both Power Grid and Blood Bowl Team Manager recently so he felt pretty confident running either of them.  Eventually we settled on the latter because:

• I hadn't had a chance to play it yet.
• Dean had played it recently and liked it so much that he wanted to give it another bash.  
• Andrew had tabled Power Grid only a few days prior and wanted to try something different.
• Mike was being his usual easy-going, jovial, non-committal self.   

I'm not going to go into our extensive history with Blood Bowl just yet;  I'll cover that when we play the game proper next week.  Just suffice to say that some of us are completely enamored with the concept and we're automatically predisposed to a quick n' dirty card game set in the same universe.


The awesome thing about Fantasy Flight is that they seem to be in the habit of producing instructional videos for many of their new releases.  So, after watching six clear, concise and wholly entertaining vids we were up and running almost immediately:

THE TEAMS

Andrew...Athelorn Avengers (Wood Elves)

Me...Reikland Reavers (Humans)

Dean...Grudgebearers (Dwarves)

Mike...Skaven Blight (Skaven)

SET-UP AND ROUND ONE

• "Endurance Training" gave us two additional cards apiece, extending the round and adding to the back-and-forth mayhem.
• Andrew won the high roll and dropped a Wood Elf Lineman on the "Bad Snap" headline.
• Mike played a Skaven Gutter Runner on "Personal Foul".
• Dean's Dwarf Runner claimed the "Get Yer Head In The Game!" headline.
• Since "Fumblerooski!" was the only card without a combatant, I placed a Human Blitzer there.
• Andrew re-enforced "Bad Snap" with a Wood Elf Catcher, claiming the ball.
• Mike tried to take out my Human Blitzer on the "Fumblerooski!" field but borked a one-die tackle.  
• Dean challenged Mike on the "Personal Foul" play.  His Dwarf Blocker pasted Mike's Gutter Runner and the ball bounced back mid-field.  
• I mangled Andrew's Wood Elf on the "Bad Snap" with an Ogre, gaining a Cheat Token and moving the ball back to start.  
• Instead of responding there, Andrew "Got (His) Head In The Game!" and nabbed the ball from Dean with a Wood Elf Thrower.
• Mike brought down a Rat Ogre, humbling Dean's Dwarf Blocker in the "Personal Foul" theater.
• Dean responded with a Troll Slayer, putting Mike's Rat Ogre on his arse!
• I played a Human Thrower on the "Bad Snap" headline, nabbing the ball from Andrew.     
• Andrew came at my Human Thrower with a Treeman.  Just before he was smashed into oblivion, he managed to hand the ball off to my Ogre.  
• Mike threw a Skaven Blitzer into the "Fumblerooski!" scrum, stripping the ball away from my Human Blitzer.
• Dean's Dwarf Blitzer managed to steal the ball from Andrew's Wood Elf Thrower.  
• Another Human Blitzer tried to pummel Mike's ball carrier in "Fumblerooski!" but I somehow managed to roll double X's!!!  D'oh!
• Andrew's Wardancer kicked my downed Thrower right in the cubes, knocking him out of the "Bad Snap" headline.  
• Mike's Skaven Thrower tried to avenge his Rat Ogre by grabbing the ball in the "Personal Foul" play.
• Dean countered with a Dwarf Blitzer who proceeded to re-arrange the Skaven Thrower's already-questionable features.
• My Human Thrower managed to drag the ball back to the "Funblerooski!" 50 yard line.
• Andrew's Wardancer pilfered the ball from Dean's Dwarf Runner in the "Get Yer Head In The Game!" contest.
• Mike bolstered up his "Fumblerooski!" defense with two Skaven Lineman.
• Dean's Troll Slayer took "Get Yer Head In The Game!" literally by decapitating Andrew's Thrower and then playing footie with his melon.  
• I tried to offset the "Fumblerooski!" war with Mike by recruiting a Human Lineman.
• Andrew managed to claw the ball back in the "Get Yer Head In The Game!" war with a Wood Elf Catcher.
• Dean committed no less then two Dwarf Longbeards to the "Get Yer Head In The Game!" meat-grinder.
• I sent another Human Lineman onto the "Bad Snap" pitch.
• Mike's sneaky Gutter Runner didn't "Fumblerooski!", expertly making off with the ball instead.
• Hoping that Mike would be crippled by Cheat Tokens, I added a final Human Lineman to the "Fumblerooski!" play.

Round One Fan Count

Dean...8 Fans

Andrew...6 Fans

Me...2 Fans

Mike...2 Fans

ROUND TWO

• Mike kicked things off by entering a Skaven Lineman in the "Spike! Magazine Trophy" Tournament.
• Dean snapped up the "Rolling Cage" headline with a Dwarf Runner.  
• I dedicated a Human Lineman to the "Goal Line Plunge".  
• Andrew sniped the ball in "The Rolling Cage" with his Wood Elf Thrower.
• Mike's Skaven Blitzer was the first to go "Over The Middle".
• Dean's Dwarven Longbeard snapped up the "Fleet Footed Flea Flicker" headline (try saying that five time real quick).
• In quick succession, I entered two Human Lineman to the Spike! Magazine Tournament.
• Andrew sent his Wood Elf Lineman "Over The Middle" to oppose Mike's Blitzer.
• Mike's Skaven Thrower burgled the ball from Dean in the "Fleet Footed Flea Flicker" contest.
• Seeking swift revenge, Dean's Dwarf Blocker immediately hospitalized Mike's Thrower.
• Andrew played a Wood Elf Lineman in the "Goal Line Plunge".
• Mike's Skaven Blitzer annihilated one of my Linemen in the Tournament.
• In "The Rolling Cage", Dean's Dwarf Blocker neutered Andrew's Wood Elf Thrower.
• Looking to settle the score, my Human Blitzer ganked Mike's counterpart in the Tournament.
• Andrew sent a Wood Elf Lineman against "The Rolling Cage".
• Mike's Skaven Gutter Runner Yoinked! the ball in the "Spike!" Tournament.
• Looking to get in the action, Dean sponsored a Dwarf Longbeard for the Tournament.
• My Blitzer kicked Mike's ball carrier square in the knutz, taking him out of contention in the Tournament.  
• Andrew's War Dancer dismantled Dean's Dwarf Runner in "The Rolling Cage".
• Mike's Rat Ogre charged into the Tournament, taking out my Human Lineman.  And not in a good way...     
• In "The Rolling Cage" Dean's Troll Slayer branched out, slaying Andrew's Elf Lineman instead.
• I dropped the equivalent of a Tournament nuclear bomb in the form of Barik Fast...er, Farblast and the ball moved to mid-field. 
• In an eleventh hour play, Andrew's Wood Elf Catcher stole the ball in "The Rolling Cage" headline.

Round Two Fan Count

Dean...13 Fans

Andrew...10 Fans

Me...9 Fans

Mike...5 Fans

  

ROUND THREE

• With "The Weather Disrupts the Match", each headline was capped at three combatants per side for this round.
• Dean's Dwarf Runner made a "Heroic Leap".
• My Human Lineman stopped to "Pose for the Fans".
• Andrew tried to Pearl Harbor me with a Wardancer on the same headline but rolled a "Blank" and an "X".  WOOT! 
• Appropriately, Mike's Skaven Thrower went on the "Gutter Run".
• Dean was first to wade into the "Knuckleduster Smear" with a Dwarf Longbeard.
• My Freebooter Blitzer ensured that Andrew's Wardancer would be sipping his meals through a straw for the foreseeable future.  
• Andrew's Wood Elf Thrower picked off the ball in the "Gutter Run".  
• With his two-space ball movement skill, Mike's Gutter Runner made a "Heroic Leap" and grabbed the ball!
• Dean pissed on Mike's Big Moot Sandwich® by using the Dwarf Blitzer's Strip Ball ability to move the "pig" skin right back to center field!  
• I dropped an Ogre on the "Knuckleduster Smear" but after rolling double X's the stupid fuck just stood there and made cow eyes at Dean's Dwarf Longbeard.  "Friend???" 
• Andrew introduced a Wood Elf Lineman to the "Gutter Run".
• Mike's Rat Ogre charged up the field in the "Gutter Run", successfully tackling Andrew's Lineman.
• Dean upped the ante in the "Knuckleduster Smear" with a Troll Slayer.
• I responded in kind with my own Human Catcher.
• Thanks to Andrew's Wood Elf Catcher. the ball moved back to mid-field in "Pose for the Fans".   
• Mike shoved a Skaven Lineman out into "The Gutter Run".  
• Dean's Troll Slayer wasn't so smitten.  He promptly marched out onto the "Knuckleduster Smear" pitch and knocked my Ogre right the fuck out.
• I tried to salvage the same headline by adding the star player Slab, who apparently offered the Slayer nothing more threatening then a hand-job after I rolled a "Blank" and an "X".  Fucksticks!!!
• Andrew sent a Wardancer after Mike's Skaven Lineman in the "Gutter Run".  After rolling double blanks, Andrew used his "Tackling Coach" card to try again but whiffed on the second hit as well!!!  Clearly my team isn't the only one stocked with organ donors.     
• Mike polished off the round by adding a Skaven Lineman to "Heroic Leap"

Round Two Fan Count

Dean...17 Fans

Andrew...13 Fans

Me...12 Fans

Mike...6 Fans

 

ROUND FOUR: THE BLOOD BOWL

• Unfortunately we had to skip a round because it was getting late and it was a school night.  Booooo!!!
• My Human Lineman eagerly pursued "The Sneaky Weasel".  And, no, that's not code for something... 
• Andrew's Wood Elf Lineman made like a Rogue on "The Backstab Special".  
• Mike provided some opposition on "The Sneaky Weasel" in the form of a Skaven Lineman.
• Dean snatched up "The Moustrap" with a Dwarf Longbeard.
• I missed my third straight tackle attempt when my Human Blitzer failed to put down Mike's Lineman in "The Sneaky Weasel" headline.  Unreal.  
• In an "All-Out Blitz", Andrew's Wood Elf Lineman snatched the ball away from Mike's Skaven Lineman.
• Mike's Skaven Thrower promptly stole the ball back on the very next play!
• Dean put Cornelius Crisphead...er, Krieg into "The Backstab Special".  Krieg then proceeded to use Andrew's Wood Elf Lineman as a pointy-eared condom.   
• I added a Human Lineman to "The Mousetrap" in opposition to Dean's Longbeard.
• Nonplussed, Andrew used a Treeman to knock Krieg down.  He then tapped his "Tackling Coach" card to re-enact a certain scene from Evil Dead.  I'm sure you know what scene I'm referring to...
• Mike's Rat Ogre made mincemeat out of Andrew's downed Lineman in "The Backstab Special".
• Dean's Dwarf Blocker failed to take out my Human Lineman in "The Mousetrap" but did succeed in getting ahold of the ball.
• I brought in a Human Blitzer to try to pop the ball loose.  I finally hit on a two-die block and the ball went back to neutral ground.
• Andrew waded into the "Blood Bowl" with a Wardancer.
• Mike immediately flattened him with a Skaven Blitzer!
• Morg n' Thorg entered the competition on Dean's behalf, mauling Mike's Blitzer and taking the ball for himself!
• Barik Ass, er...Farblast ventured into "The Mousetrap" for me and snatched up the ball.  
• Andrew's Wardancer did an "All-Out Blitz", burying Mike's Skaven Thrower.
• Things get even hairier when Mike dropped a 3-Star Power Blitzer against the 5-Star Power Morg.  The odds on the tackle were against him since he had to roll two die and Dean got to chose the result.  But, since both of Mike's die turned up hits, Morg was soon getting an intimate view of the Astrogranite™. 
• Dean promptly returned the favor by knocking out Mike's felled Rat Ogre with his Troll Slayer.  
• I threw a Human Blitzer into the "Blood Bowl" clusterfuck and curb stomped the wounded Morg until he was carried off in a stretcher.  
• Andrew let the Mighty Zug off of his chain, who immediately ass-raped Dean's Troll Slayer.  This time he telegraphed the potential "Tackling Coach" knock out.              
• Mike managed to grab the "Blood Bowl" ball...until Dean played spoiler with star player Eldril Sidewinder. 

Final Fan Count 
Dean...30
Me...28
Andrew...26
Mike 14

Honestly, I had a real blast playing this game!  It's a shame that we had to jettison a round in the interest of time.  My ability to garner Fans from the Star Players in my roster would have put some serious heat on Dean's lead.


At first I didn't see the game as particularly "managerial" but this certainly comes into play when choosing what headlines to pursue.  In fact, Star Players, support staff and training facilities are really clutch in determining how many Fans you end up getting.


Individual "matches" are highly abstracted, but this is a moot point since that's what the original Blood Bowl is for.  True to the spirit of its predecessor, there's plenty of tense die rolls and gratuitous bloodshed.  Since the original game isn't always the easiest (or shortest) thing to throw down and play, Team Manager is a great game to break out between League matches!


I heartily give Blood Bowl Team Manager four pips out of six!   

  

The Wheaton Effect: "Zombie Dice"

I've always had a like / hate relationship with Steve Jackson Games.

On one hand, I dig (in theory) games like Ogre and Illuminati.  On the other hand I find the popularity of such overpriced, nebulous, luck-based, monochromatic dreck like Munchkin to be completely inexplicable.  Hell, I love D&D and dungeon crawl games, but any rule book that says that "disputes should be settled by loud arguments among the players, with the owner of the game having the last word" should be summarily burned.

Speaking of being burned, after paying hard-earned cheddar for both Munchkin and Chez Geek I vowed never to buy another Steve Jackson game ever again.  But then along comes Wesley friggin' Crusher with his high-falutin' board game show Tabletop and suddenly I find myself completely enamored with the press-yer-luck die-chucker Zombie Dice.

Here's the episode in question (with a handy rules overview @ the 10:25 mark):

    

So, when I saw that cheap-looking $15 plastic cup behind the counter at The Comic Hunter a few weeks ago, I just couldn't resist Wil Wheaton's siren call.  So I bought the friggin' thing.

Cheryl and I immediately played a few games.  In Game One I scored five Brains on my first round and then two Brains on my second and third turns.  Cheryl washed out in her first two throws but got on the board with four Brains during her third go-round.  I gained five more Brains on my final turn and stopped with a total of fourteen.  On her last turn Cheryl managed to score a whopping nine Brains before being Shotgunned.  Despite this, I still managed to hold on to the win with a score of 14 to 13.

Cheryl started off Game Two in style by rolling an inconceivable eight Brains in her first round!  I followed this up by busting on my first two turns.  Cheryl then added incrementally to her lead by scoring two more Brains on her second turn.  Like a classic Romero zombie, I s-l-o-w-l-y managed to claw my way back, picking up a total of eight Brains on my next four turns.  Cheryl had the decency to stall for a bit, going three rounds without adding to her Brain pile.  Eventually she settled down and got four more Brains in two rounds, stopping at fourteen!

Trying to beat her score in one round with only eight Brains was rough.  I rolled three Escapes twice, then two Brains and one Escape (putting me at 10), then two Brains and one Shotgun (taking my score to 12), then one Brain and two Escapes on two separate rolls.  By some miracle, I'd managed to tie her score at 14 Brains apiece!

As per the rules, this resulted in a single "sudden death" bonus round.  I felt good about pulling off a coup as Cheryl rolled one Escape, one Brain and one Shotgun not once but twice!  Confident that I could beat two Brains, my first throw resulted in one of each facing.  But then, rolling one die of each color, I somehow managed to roll one green Escape and two lethal Shotgun results!  

*BLAM!!!*

Just like that, it was over and I'd lost with a final score of 16 to 14.              

We then played a Tiebreaker Game.  Mirroring Cheryl's awesome start last time, I managed to bag six Brains right off the bat.  After Cheryl wiped out in her first round I built on my lead with a two Brain performance.  On her next toss, Cheryl took off the kid gloves and scored five big Brains but I quickly countered with five of my own!  With Cheryl lagging behind, I felt safe stopping at exactly thirteen Brains.      

But on her last turn, Cheryl went to work.  Her first throw scored one Shotgun and two Brains (raising her score to 7).  Next she rolled one Brain (taking her to 8), one Escape one Shotgun.  She then diced up two Escapes and one Brain on her next two turns (bringing Brain tally to 10).  She then completed an epic comeback by rolling two Brains and one Escape in two successive turns!  All told she managed to overcome two early Shotgun hits and win with a final score 14 to 13!

I knew I had a winner on my hands when Cheryl wanted to play it during our drive home next day!

"I can roll for you and tell you what you got!" she offered helpfully.

Last Wednesday we were slated to play Marvel Heroes but I really didn't get a chance to properly prep it.   As a result, we defaulted to an alternate game that Andrew had played recently.  However, on the morning of game day, I received the following sheepish email from Andrew (which bore the provocative subject line of "Damn You, Wil Wheaton"):

Greetings,

I have a quick filler that we could start the night off with if you guys are interested.  You guessed it, Wil Wheaton and his stupid video made me temporarily lift my anti-Steve Jackson campaign.  'Zombie Dice' acquired. 

Dave, do you mind if we squeeze it in so I don’t need to add it to my unplayed list?  Should only take 10 minutes tops.

To which I replied:

Yeah, you don’t need to bring your copy.  Wheaton got to me as well.

I really hope the fucker's getting commission from these sales!

So here's the resulting session of Zombie Dice, featuring me, Mike, Andrew and Dean...

Zombie Dice might not be a deep, strategic brain-burner (pun not intended) but it is a fun filler game.  The "press your luck" element isn't just a factor in your individual die rolls; it also comes into play when deciding what Brain count is safe to to stop at!  

So, Steve Jackson, you can thank Wil Wheaton personally for selling at least two copies of Zombie Dice amongst our snobbish gaming group and single-handedly improving our opinion of your company.  At least until the warranty is up on those cheap-ass dice cups.

Zombie Dice gets a solid three pips outta six!

Hmmmmmm....d'ya think we'll ever see Ogre on a future episode of Tabletop?    Naaaaaaaa...

Child's Play: "Worm Up!"

So you've replicated....

committed meiosis...

produced a sequel...

knocked out a chip...

pushed out a bambino...

hatched a larvae...

spawned a brat.

Made a new fucking person.  

And now yer thinkin' to yourself: "Oh Sweet Jesus, what have I done?  My sole raison d'être now is to take care of this thing that I've created.  I have absolutely no time for anything else.  All of the hobbies that I loved, that made me unique, kept me sane, made life worth living...they're all gone forever."

To which I say:  Stop thinking in the now, you selfish, narrow-minded, sock-monkey.  

It may be difficult to imagine this as you clean explosive diarrhea off the wall, but one of these days your little shit machine is gonna be a potential gamer.  Play yer cards right and you could have a gamin' buddy for life.  Worst case scenario: you trick them into these nerdly pursuits for a few years until they become self aware, resentful and equate playing board games to child abuse.  Then they steal your Prius and knock over a liquor store.

One of the ways to decrease the chances of future 211 / 503 activity is to ensure that your kid can look back on all of their childhood gameyness with fondness instead of spite.  This means playing games that don't suck.  In other words none of this shite:

Or this:

Or this:

One good way to tell if you've got a decent kids game is to play it without any actual kids in the room.  If you can get half way through it without your brain flat-lining then you've got yerself a keeper.

Such is the case with Worm Up, a secret action selection / racing game in which players control their own multi-segmented wriggler.  After secretly picking one of several movement tokens (numbered 4-7 with one "X" option) participants reveal their choices.  Any player who selected the same number as someone else will lose their turn while anyone who made a unique pick gets to move their patron invertebrate.

This is accomplished by taking one segment at a time from the back of said worm and adding it to the front.  In doing so, you can also be a complete dick and try to cut off an opponent, which I'm apparently doing to Chad in this photo...

The "X" is used to co-opt any number that hasn't been selected by another player.  You also get to swivel the finish line by putting your finger on one of the posts and turning it any way you want.  

The first player to get their worm to touch the finish line is the winner.  Although that sounds even more unintentionally pervy then the Mr. Bucket commercial, I assure you that Worm Up! is good, clean, mindless fun.

Listen now as three grown men have a blast playing a game essentially designed for seven year olds...

    

As I said in the audio, this game is kinda like a low-fi version of the light cycle competition in Tron.  Seriously, even if you don't currently own a mini-me, you still might want to consider getting Worm Up! just to serve as a stupid but fun filler game.  Alternately you can also use it to seriously fuck with people's perception as to what a kid's game is supposed to be like.    

I whole-heartedly give Worm Up! a respectable four pips outta six!  

"Survive!" + "Pandemic" - BVS (Bossy Veteran Syndrome) = "Forbidden Island"

I'm a really big fan of Pandemic, Matt Leacock's co-operative disease-thwarting board game, but lately I've noticed that more experienced players have a tendency to direct the actions of newbies in an effort to beat the game.  Once you identify a case of B.V.S. (Bossy Veteran Syndrome) you can take steps to minimize the problem, but the strategic complexities of the game make it very difficult to eliminate.

Two years after the release of Pandemic, Leacock stripped down and re-themed the core mechanics as Forbidden Island.  He removed some of the chrome that occasionally resulted in analysis paralysis and, in doing so, reduced the tendency for more experienced players to play traffic cop.

In Forbidden Island, players become dauntless explorers attempting to recover four ancient artifacts from a sinking island.  In order to win, players have to work in close conjunction with one another, exploiting their special abilities and maximizing turn efficiency.  The goal is to recover all four treasures and then escape the island before it vanishes into the sea!

We had a chance to sit down with the game a few weeks ago after playing Road Kill Rally.  Here's how the game played out...

FORBIDDEN ISLAND RULES  

FORBIDDEN ISLAND PLAY-THROUGH

With its "Andromeda Strain" theme and additional depth and complexity, I still prefer Pandemic but there's plenty of reasons to break out its younger, hipper offspring as an alternative.  Because it is a much simpler game, Forbidden Island seems less prone to the aforementioned B.V.S. and feels more genuinely co-operative as a result.

Boasting excellent components, quick play time and a reasonable sticker price, Forbidden Island is definitely worth exploring.

Four pips outta six!