Mean Streets: "Road Kill Rally"

We were slated to play Blood Bowl back on the 2nd but after our host Dean developed a sore throat (we warned him about blowing that homeless guy) and was forced to cancel we had to scramble to come up with a Plan "B".

After playing a partial game of Road Kill Rally at Davecon, I'd become slightly obsessed with vehicular combat flicks, even going so far as to re-watch Mad Max for the third time.  So, needless to say, I was quite predisposed to Andrew's eleventh hour suggestion to table a full-length rematch.

RE: Road Kill Rally, publishers Z-Man Games seem to harbor absolutely no pretensions about the game's originality: "think Car Wars meets Death Race 2000" they proudly proclaim on their website.      

Road Kill Rally is set in the year 2035 when reality shows are finally starting to get cool.  Vicious vehicular death sports have become insanely popular, drawing ratings in excess of three billion people for the infamous Rally Cup finals.

Players go behind the wheel of weapon-strapped cars and score points by flattening pedestrians, destroying competing drivers and attempting to finish first.  The driver with the most combined points at the end of the race is declared the winner (and apparently a rat bastard).  Basically this game makes Manhunt look like Mannix.

Andrew took the red car ("Blood Drive"), Chad took the green car ("Morbid Envy") and I had "The Black Death".  We then drew random driver Skills Cards.  I pulled "Nerves of Steel" reducing all of my Crash Checks by 1 die.  Andrew's avatar came equipped with a "Driver's Pistol", allowing him to attack any adjacent opponent.  Chad's "Nerves of Steel" gave him -1 damage from all attacks and crashes.

We then got to customize our vehicles with cards from the Accessory Deck.  I tricked out my car with a long-range Vulcan Cannon, anti-flame Asbestos Armor and Armor-Piercing Rounds.  Chad acquired a Flame Thrower, stocked up on ultra-efficient Napalm Ammo and bolted on the incredible versatile Composite Armor.  Andrew also went for a Flame Thrower, augmenting this with a Stereo System (+1 die to score Seniors) and a Psychopathic Driver (giving him an extra die when trying to kill pedestrians).

Andrew won the die roll and opted to hang back in the third slot.  I decided to take the second starting space, putting me neck-and-neck with Chad in the vanguard.    

ROUND ONE

Since Chad decided to crank his speed up to 120 miles per hour, he got the privilege of moving first.  Barreling into the Protester Barricade he played "Bloodthirsty", allowing him to roll two extra die while attacking the wayward kid.  I tried to counter-balance this with a "Mercy" card, forcing him to score double the amount of hits for a kill!  After missing that particular street urchin, he speeds towards another, dropping two cards to boost his chances.  With no interference this time he rolled three hits, decorating his front bumper with essence de preschooler.   

I kept my speed at 100 mph, intent on running over my first toddler.  I discarded a Rally Card to improve my chances to hit and Chad responded with his own "Mercy", resulting in a near miss.  Hoping that Chad has gotten all of the payback out of his system, I flopped another card to give me a bonus die in shmucking the second kid.  This time no impediments materialized and I successfully smoked L'il Billy just as he tried to cross the yellow line.  

Andrew followed up, attempting to mop up our table scraps.  He rolled two dice (thanks to his "Psycho Killer" trait) and gained a prepubescent hood ornament.  He then pulled in right behind THE CHADINATOR.  

In the combat round, Chad powered up his Flame Thrower in an effort to turn a Senior into a briquette.   Rolling a mitt full of five dice, he succeeded admirably.  

Since Andrew was moving faster then me, he got to go first.  After dropping some ammo he attacked Chad with his Flame Thrower, scoring four hits (and a +10 point Hit Token).  Although Chad's incredibly handy driver skill and armor nullified two points, he still had to lose two Rally Cards to Andrew making him ripe for a Wipe Out.  

I then did my damnedest to facilitate this, powering up my Vulcan Cannon by discarding cards for two Ammo.  Not content to roll only four die I also used Armor Piercing Rounds.   Despite the Axis & Allies amount of dice I chucked, Chad managed to earn himself a reprieve.  That is until Andrew played "Fuzzy Dice", allowing me to re-roll.  On the second roll I scored three hits, just enough to blow Chad off the road.  He immediately dropped down to 20 MPH and scrapped his primary weapon.  

       

ROUND TWO

Chad put the pedal to the metal to get back up to 40 klicks, revealing the Death Cult tile.  Wanting to hold onto his cards for insurance, he only rolled one die versus his first pedestrian which ended up being a miss.  His luck was considerably better on the second attack.

Andrew took his speed up one notch to 140 mph.  Now moving an insane seven spaces he had to perform a pretty daunting Crash Check going into a red corner.  With a single discard he reduced the initial five dice check to a four but still came away with four hits!  After turfing a matching amount of cards he then earned the unenviable distinction of being the first driver through the Flaming Barricade.  Unfortunately for Andrew, it was just too much for him to handle.  Since he can't pay the resulting three discards worth of damage he immediately Wipes Out.

I played a "Pass" card to get around Chad just before the Shortcut tile came down.  Completely forgetting my "Nerves of Steel" ability, I threw out two cards to successfully navigate around the red corner.  Despite throwing another Rally Card away I still took a point of damage going through the Flaming Barrier.  Now in the clear, I barreled down the two suicidal cultists, running them over without a twinge of conscience.  Since Andrew somehow thought that he was entitled to these pedestrians he promptly swore an oath on enmity against me.

Unfortunately I had no way to do a preemptive strike against him during the Attack Phase.  Andrew took aim at me with his Driver Pistol, rolling two die ignoring armor.  His one hit forces me to chuck my last card.  Chad also has no capability to attack.

ROUND THREE  

After cranking my speed up to 120 mph I managed to kill the last cultist in my path.  Unfortunately, as my incessantly shitty luck would have it, I somehow managed a one-in-six-chance two pip die facing on my "Human Sacrifice" check.  This resulted in a four Rally Card loss and a fucking Wipe Out.  Incredible.  The resulting damage has me dumping my Armor Piercing Rounds.  One tear.

Andrew slowly recovered his speed, now traveling forty.  Because he's a Psychopath he was completely nonplussed after plastering one of the satanic lemmings.

Chad set his speed at 40 mph.  He rolled two pips while going through the Flaming Barrier, suffering two hits.  He then played "Cheerleaders", allowing him to draw three replacement Rally Cards.          
After missing a wayward pedestrian, Chad lurched into the opposite lane right behind me.

Because of my crash, I was out fir the subsequent Combat Phase.  Andrew went into a Pit Stop and re-arranged his arsenal.   He added "Free Candy" for the kiddies and a "Rocket Launcher", also for the kiddies but in a different way.  Chad pulled in for a Pit Stop as well.      

ROUND FOUR

Andrew cranked it up to 60 mph.  His Psycho allowed him to roll two dice against an errant pedestrian but he drew two blanks!  The Picking Flowers tile went down just seconds later.

I ramped the Black Death of to 40 mph and played "Bloodthirsty" to try and nail the pedestrian that Andrew had missed.  He just had to go and complicate things by playing "Oil Slick" on me.  I finally remembered to start using my "Nerves of Steel", but even on one die a still managed to sustain a hit.  Mercifully, Karma then decided to cut me a break when I managed to overcome Chad's plea for "Mercy" by rolling five hits on my target pedestrian!

After the Euthanasia Day tile came down, Chad was quick to utter the timeless line: "Okay, what do I have to do to get in range of this old lady?"   He punched it like Chewie, discarding a card to go up to 80 mph.

During the Combat Phase, Chad rolled four hits, lighting Nan up like an octogenarian Tiki torch.  Next Andrew asked me point blank if I intended to attack him.  I then proceeded to show him that I really had no cards left to use as ammo.  Apparently he took this as some sort of conspiracy since he proceeded to blow my driver's head off with his Pistol, scoring three hits and sending me off the road.  Again.

I didn't attack him back during the Combat Phase because I HAD NO FUCKING AMMO!   Asshole.

ROUND FIVE

Chad went up to 100 klicks, safely changes lanes on the Picking Flowers tile and then just barely missing a pedestrian.  He then accelerated towards another senior citizen, dropped yet another card to increase his odds and promptly sent granny flying into the ditch, walker and all!  He capped off this stellar run by plowing down yet another senior citizen.  Witnessing this, Andrew quickly advocated that we should "stop fighting each other and concentrate on Chad" which is kinda rich since I hadn't attacked the fucker yet!

The Traffic Jam tile came out.  Andrew spent a card to get back up to 100 mph and then burnt another  one in a vain effort to hit a pedestrian.

I also dumped a card in order to move up three spaces, ending my turn.

During the Combat Phase, Chad made what Andrew characterized as a "dick move" by playing "Crackerjack Pit Crew" to draw three new Accessories.  Andrew fired a rocket at a nearby oldster, blowing her right back into the arms of Sweet Baby Jesus.  Since I had no weapons left I ducked into a Pit Stop but failed to draw a Yellow Accessory.        

After all the retooling was dispensed with, Chad had the burner-riffic Flame Cannon, the terrain-defying Four Wheel Drive and a speed-boosting Supercharger.  Andrew's death wagon was now coming standard with a Rocket Launcher, Psychopathic Driver and Free Candy.  My car was now rocking a Veteran Driver who gave me a bonus Rally Card every round.

ROUND SIX

Chad "goes to plaid", traveling a whopping 140 mph!  He turfed a card to try and drill a pedestrian but missed.  He then hits the Jump Tile at optimal speed, rolling only one die!  Although he still took a single point of damage on this stunt, it was instantly absorbed by his Composite Armor!  He did get a bit spooked, however, when the following tile turned out to be incredibly twisty Boy Scout Camp!        

Regardless of the rapidly approaching Traffic Jam, Andrew gunned it up to 100 mph.  He moved five paces, flicking on his windshield wipers briefly to clear off the pedestrian gore.  He then had to maneuver through a three-die oil slick.  After reducing the challenge by two with a tandem discard, he managed to skirt any potential damage.

To get back in the race, I tapped into my Nitrous Oxide to take me up to 60 mph.  In order to improve my chances, I then dumped a Rally Card to liquefy a straggling pedestrian.  I then took Andrew's inexplicably helpful lane-changing advice.  His assistance almost made up for him saying "all I can say is that I've got my pistol ready" just seconds before.  

In the Combat Round, both Chad and Andrew tapped their Crackerjack Pit Crews.  I opted for the vanilla version but failed to acquire a yellow Accessory on my second straight attempt.

ROUND SEVEN

  
Staring down the barrel of an insane turn, Chad dropped his speed down to 100 and threw out a card to reduce a 3-die challenge to two.  After clearing the ninety-degree turn he floored it towards the next tile which was revealed as a Pit Stop.  Chad then bagged a rugrat on two die roll.

Knowing that he had to catch up to Chad, Andrew threw caution to the wind and actually accelerated into a turn, moving six spaces.  He optioned the Free Candy but still failed to take down his prepubescent quarry.

I chose to dump a slew of cards, getting up to 140 as a precursor to the impeding Evel Knievel-style jump.  But even before I could get off the Traffic Jam tile, I had to get past a three-die Oil Spill.   After chucking a card and factoring in my Nerves of Steel, I rolled the lone die and still took a point of damage for my troubles.  Despite this minor mishap I managed to clear the jump in high style.

During Combat, Chad took a potshot at the kid in the road ahead but between his craptacular rolling and my plea for "Mercy", the boy was spared.  Andrew took yet another Pit Stop.  I fired at a different kid with my Flame Cannon incinerating the little larvae on a five-die roll.  

ROUND EIGHT

Chad adjusted his speed and moved, taking advantage of the Pit Stop tile.

Andrew dropped his speed back one before heading into a red turn.  He discarded a single card to reduce it to a one-die challenge but still took a single hit.  He then followed a similar procedure dealing with a second tight turn.  Unfortunately he rolled a double-pip, which was re-rolled for another double and then re-rolled for a single!  Without enough cards to cover the deficit, Andrew flew off the road like an SUV on an ice-covered freeway.  

Wary of Andrew's fate I dropped my speed to 40 mph, reducing the three die turn challenge to zero with a combination of my Steely Nerves and two discarded Rally Cards.  After clearing the turn, I moved up four more road spaces and was done. 

In the Combat segment, Chad passed.  I squeezed the trigger of my Flame Cannon again, roasting yet another precocious tot.  Andrew, purely driven by his lust for Hit tokens, took another pot shot at me with his Driver's Pistol.  Mercifully he misses.  Ass goblin.    

ROUND NINE  

Chad used his Supercharger to accelerate 40 mph, getting back up to 100.  Initially he was put off by the scary-looking Forest Fire Smoke tile but after we assured him that it was like the Road Kill Rally equivalent of the Mutara Nebula from The Wrath of Khan he seemed to relax a bit.  We had no such kind words, however, for the Rock Slide tile which was next to be revealed.    

I kept my speed even and moved up five spaces.  I still had to contend to a three-die turn so I biffed out a card and deducted another for my Nerves o' Steel.  Once again, I managed to roll a single hit but then decided to treat myself to a stop at the picturesque and relaxing Pit Stop spa.  In doing so I swapped out my Flame Unit for an infinitely cooler Anti-Tank gun!    

Andrew discarded a card to gain two speed increments.  In the process he flattened a youngling, rolling two extra die for being a TOTAL FUCKING PSYCHO armed with Free Candy.  Ewwwww.  He also chose to exploit the Pit Stop tile, strapping on Ram Plates in the process.

Since chad was completely obscured by the Forest Fire Smoke, I couldn't test out my new Anti-Tank Gun on him.  So I played "Spokesmodels" on him instead, which allowed me to rifle through his Accessories Deck and finally score a Yellow tech).  Instead of acting like a mindless Hit Token slut, Andrew finally decided to stay his hand against me.              

     

ROUND TEN

With his newly-acquired Spoiler, Chad felt pretty confident going into a red turn while doing 100.  He sacrificed a card to reduce the crash challenge to one die and then luckily rolled a blank face. 

After getting everyone's consensus that Chad would still be in my line of sight after I moved, I decided to keep my speed steady at 100.  

Andrew engaged the Nitrous Oxide and found himself hurtling down the road at 120 mph! 

Chad had no options during the Combat Round.  On the other hand, I decided to lob a shell at him from my roof-mounted rail way gun "just to see how it works".  After expending three ammo (!) I also piled on with "Critical Hit" forcing Chad to ignore armor on a successful hit.  Despite the shit-load of dice, I can only scored five damage!  As for Andrew, apparently his self-control has an expiry date of a single round.  He loaded up his rocket Launcher and fired it at me, scoring three hits!  Mercifully I managed to negate the damage with a long-hoarded "Dashboard Jesus".  

ROUND ELEVEN

Racing towards the Farm, Chad toyed with the idea of increasing his breakneck speed to try and *quote, unquote* "score the chicken".  Also fearful of another barrage from my BFG, so he decided to hold onto his cards.  He still has to deal with a three-die red corner, which got reduced by one thanks to his Spoiler and a discard.  Although he still took a single point of damage from the roll his incredibly handy Composite Armor came to the rescue.

In order to overcome the same turn I subtracted one die for my Nerves and another for a discard.  Despite my precautions, I still took a single shot to the bollocks.  Nevertheless, Chad was still within my range.  Silently I prayed that Andrew would have the good sense to stop attacking me for one round so I could deliver the coup de grâce to our illustrious leader.

Speak of the devil, Andrew scaled his speed back by two increments in the hope of negotiating that same brutal turn.  The next tile turned out to be a very welcome straight-away.  After moving three spaces, he plowed right through the boulders thanks to his Ram Plates.  With two red turns still to contend with, he managed to cruise through the first and then the second.  He then dropped a well-timed "Bloodthirsty" card to annihilate yet another pedestrian.  

For Combat, Chad had no weapons and was forced to pass.  I loaded a new shell at the ungodly cost of three ammo and threw on "Sure Shot" just to be a prick.  As par for the course, my seven dice proved to be a washout, granting me a stingy seven hits.  Turns out Chad was also harboring a card called "You Miss", which tragically nullified all but two points of damage.  Andrew veered into a Pit Stop, acquiring Seeker Missiles and Thermite Warheads.  

ROUND TWELVE           

Chad hit turbo on his Supercharger, accelerating back up to 140 klicks.  Looking for two bonus Hit Tokens, Chad took a bead on the road chicken.  After failing on this roll he flew down the road with his eye on his consolation prize: yet another defenseless old woman.  Ever the spoiler, I made a case for "Mercy" and his single-die attack roll fails.  After more livestock peril was revealed in the form of a Cow Hazard, Chad tried a two-die hit and run, this time on an adult pedestrian.  Yet again he failed to connect.

Suddenly the Finish Line was revealed!  I blazed up five spaces, putting Chad just within range of my Anti-Tank gun.  But before I could fire at him again, I had to get around a brutal turn without killing myself.  I ditched a card, factored in me Nerves of Steel and still rolled a single hit.  Next I tried to catch the chicken under my front wheel well but failed spectacularly.  I moved up five spaces and got "Bloodthirsty" on an Estelle Getty clone, scoring my first senior on the three-die roll!   

Unfortunately Chad did a real dick move and played a card which caused the old woman to explode for three points of damage upon impact!  It was just enough to threaten yet another Wipe Out!  In an effort to avoid my fate I played "Fuzzy Dice" to re-roll the result.  Just after I cast the bones a spontaneous debate broke out as to whether or not I could have reduced Chad's "exploding granny" dice by discarding cards.  Since it was so close to the end, rather then paralyze the game, we just kept the results of the re-roll.

(If any reader friends intimately familiar with the game are out there and know for sure if I could have done this, please leave a comment below.  I certainly had three cards to throw away but the reason I didn't think to do it was simply because I didn't think it was an option.)  

Regardless if it was a Wipe Out or I was drained of ammo in ducking dice, Chad scored a well-timed reprieve.  I lost my Anti-Tank Gun and collected a third, crippling Wipe Out token.      

Andrew attempted to get around a three-die crash check at 100 mph.  He dumped two cards and got a blank on the die roll, easily pulling off the maneuver.  

Combat!  Again, Chad found himself toothless and decidedly inoffensive.  Andrew fired his Thermite Warhead-augmented Seeker Missiles at Chad and was positively disgusted when he only landed three hits.  Armed with four cards and Composite Armor Chad shrugged off the attack like a mosquito bite.  Meanwhile, I'm just sitting there, a smoking wreck on the side of the road.            

ROUND THIRTEEN

Only six spaces away from the Finish Line, Chad reduced his speed by one.  He tried to play the "Pass" card to avoid the Cows but we quickly ruled that it was only valid on rival vehicles.  Chad did his crash check around the four-die red corner.  Both the "Pass" card and Chad's Spoiler reduced this to two dice.  At first, Andrew and I were thrilled to see Chad roll a two-pip result but the re-roll was only one for a total of three damage.  This was reduced to two thanks to Chad's furshlugginer armor.  He then had to cope with the herd of Cows in the road, but the Spoiler and a single discarded card quickly dispensed with the bovine menace.  Clearing the final hurdle, Chad surged ahead and captured first place!

Andrew was forced to speed up to cross the finish line.  On his second move, he was forced to contend with the final ninety degree turn.  He chucked out a single card to reduce the difficulty but he still had to heave out four more cards in order to stay on the road!  Amidst all the high-speed finagling, he still managed to run over a pedestrian somehow.  He then parted with two cards to earn a reprieve from the Heifers of Doom.  

After my Wipe Out, I could only get back up to a speed of 60.  I chucked a single card to gain a die on a red turn and avoided any mishap.  

Needless to say, combat for Andrew and I was a moot point since I had no weapons and Andrew had no cards.          

ROUND FOURTEEN

Unopposed, Andrew crossed the finish line for Second Place.  I accelerated to 80 and moved three spaces into the final red turn.  My "Nerves of Steel" eliminated one die and a discarding card knocked out the other.  I then said adios to two more cards and beetled my way past the Moo Patrol.  

The rest was clear road so we just assumed that I crossed the finish line on the next round to finish third.  

FINAL SCORES

CHAD...380

ANDREW...260

ME...240

Despite my third place finish I really dig Road Kill Rally.  Yes, there's a fair amount of luck and some of the rules are a tad "chicken-or-the-egg" but it still evokes the vehicular combat / ethically bankrupt death-race theme very well.   

I give Road Kill Rally four pips outta six!  

  

"D&D" DIY Disaster!

Inspired by a vertitable host of ambitious do-it-yourself-ers out there I was gonna try and run my first heavily-modded D&D game soon.  As a preamble to this I wanted to address an element of D&D combat that's always left me scratching my simian cranium (or my "simianium" as it were).

Regardless of edition (I've played Mentzer's BEC box sets, AD&D, Second Edition and finally  3 *slash* 3.5), Armor Class has always represented the number an attacker has to beat on a d20 roll in order to land a successful blow and cause damage.  This roll has always been influenced by the attacker's Strength modifier for Melee attacks and Dexterity modifier for Ranged attacks.  AC itself has always been the product of a defender's Dexterity modifier and whatever armor they've managed to seal themselves up in.

Or not seal themselves up in, as the case may be.

Frankly it's always bugged me that: 

(1) Beating the target's Armor Class meant that you hit your target and damaged them all in one handy-dandy roll.    

(2) Brute Strength influences whether or not you successfully tag a Goblin in the cranium with a pick-axe.

(3) You cause damage to your target in the exact same manner regardless of what kind of armor they're wearing.

So, I tried to come up with an alternate idea.  In doing so I ended up venturing deep down the rabbit hole, eventually popping back up very close to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin.  

My quest began with an earnest question: "If I'm charging at a bullywug with a mace in my hand what innate ability (not counting experience) will effect my ability to smash his stupid froggy face in?"  If I were wielding a particularly heavy weapon, a high Strength would be helpful since it would give me more control over my swing.  But this kinda comes out in the wash with damage.

"Come at me, bro!  My fish-head gauntlets are impregnable!"

What about using Dexterity as the attacking modifier?  Wouldn't that make more sense?  Wouldn't  good manual Dexterity allow you to really measure your opponent?  Overcome your quarry's defensive feints and parries?  Allow you to smoke them right in the nards instead of the shoulder?

As for the intended target, of course Dexterity should still be the defacto modifier.  But isn't it a bit far-fetched to expect that someone in a full suit of field plate is somehow less of a ripe target then someone in a loin cloth?

Before I give you an in-game scenario, let's establish a coupla ground rules:

*  Let's use 3.5's more-varied ability score modifiers, attack bonus structure and AC base of
   10 modified only by Dexterity and Shield use!  In doing so, let's re-christen Armor Class as
    Defense Rating (DR).

*  Let's use the Armor Maximum Dexterity Bonus.

*  Let's use the following damage reduction sytem for armor worn:

• No armor, clothing, buck nekkid (0 damage reduction)  
• Padded armor (0-1 damage reduction)  
• Leather armor (0-2 damage reduction) 
• Studded Leather, Ring mail or Hide (0-3 damage reduction) 
• Chain shirt or Scale mail (0-4 damage reduction) 
• Chain mail, Breast plate (0-5 damage reduction)    
• Splint mail and banded mail (0-6 damage reduction) 
• Half-plate Minus (0-7 damage reduction) 
• Full-plate armor  (0-8 damage reduction)

"I asked for War Duke, not Marma..."

*  Let's also use Weapon vs. AC adjustments.  Something fairly simple, like what Bat in the Attic
    proposed.  Only difference is that I'd make these damage adjustments and not "to hit" adjustments.

For example:

Padded Armor: Bludgeoning Weapons do -2 damage
Leather Armor:  Bludgeoning and Slashing Weapons do -1 damage
Ring Mail Armor: Bludgeoning Weapons do +1 and Slashing Weapons do -1 damage
Scale Mail Armor: +1 Bludgeoning, -1 Slashing, +1 Piercing
Chain Mail Armor: +1 Bludgeoning, -2 Slashing, +2 Piercing
Banded Armor: +1 Bludgeoning, -2 Slashing
Plate Armor:  +1 Bludgeoning, -3 Slashing

So, with all of this firmly in place, let's look at an in-game scenario pitting... 

Jacinda the Irresistible  Fighter Level Three  STR 13 (+1) CON 10 (0) DEX 16 (+3) Hit Points: 10+6+7 = 23  Armor: Leather Weapon: Spear (1d8 Piercing)   Defense Rating (DR): 10 + Dex bonus = 13  Level Attack Bonus: +3

Against... 

Balto the Immovable  Fighter Level Two  STR 16 (+3) CON 14 (+2) DEX 09 (-1) Hit Points: 10 + 5 + 4 (Con bonus) = 19  Armor: Chain plus small shield Weapon: Long Sword (1d8 Slashing) Defense Rating: 10 - Dex penalty + shield bonus of 1 = 10 Level Attack Bonus: +2

Jacinda the Irresistible stumbles upon a bridge guarded by Balto the Immovable.  Balto, in a threadbare Arthurian cliché, demands that Jacinda pay a toll in order to pass.  Jacinda, following standard procedure, tells Balto to go fuck himself and then proceeds to cross the bridge.  One third of the way over, Balto takes up his sword, shouts a challenge and charges at her.

"How many stupid tourists do you think we can sucker 'tolls' out of before the town guard shows up?"

Round One 

Initiative Roll (using d6, modified by Dexterity): Jacinda gets a 1.  With her Dex bonus of three her Initiative total is 4.  Balto rolls a 5 and subtracts 1 for his clumsy ass.  It's a tie and both attacks occur simultaneously!

Jacinta rolls 10 + 3 for her Dex and + 3 for her level for a total of 16.  Balto rolls 15 -1 for his Dex and +2 for his level, giving him a grand total of 14.  Jacinta hits Balto's DR of 10 and Balto lands a blow by exceeding Jacinta's DR of 13.

But how will damage work out?  Jacinta rolls a 3 but it's bumped up to 5 vs. Balto's Chain Mail and another +1 for her STR bonus.  Balto gets an 5 but it's reduced to 4 by Jacinta's leather cuirass and then jacked back up to 7 thanks to his above-average Strength.

Now we have armor checks.  Jacinta rolls a d6 randomly to see if her leather absorbs either (1-2) zero, (3-4) one or (5-6) two points of damage.  She rolls a 1 so she takes all 7 points and is now down to 14 Hit Points.

Balto checks to see if his chainmail thwarts any damage with the following cross-reference on a d6 roll (resuting damage in brackets):  1(0) 2 (1) 3 (2) 4 (3) 5 (4) 6 (5).  He rolls a 3, preventing two points of damage.  He's now at 16.  

Round Two

Initiative Roll (d6): Jacinda gets a 5.  With her Dex bonus of three her Initiative total is 8.  Balto rolls a 1 so who gives a shit.

Jacinta rolls 13 (+ 3 for her Dexterity, +3 for her level) for a grand total of 19!  She then rolls an 8 for damage adding 2 for her weapon vs. armor bonus plus another point for her Strength.  With the damage now sitting at 11, Balto rolls his armor check, rolling 5 and preventing 4 damage.  He's now at 9 Hit Points and having seriously regrets about attacking this crazy chick.

"I gotcher phallic symbol right here, pal!"

He follows this up with a hit roll of 9, adding one for a total of 10.  Unburdened by heavy armor and fleet of foot, Jacinta deftly leaps out of the way of Balto's incoming sweep!

     

Round Three

Initiative Roll (d6): Jacinda gets a 4.  With her Dex bonus of three her Initiative total is 7.  Balto rolls a 5 (-1 for having two left feet) so who gives a shit.

Jacinta rolls a 4 + 3 for her Dexterity and +3 for her level for a grand total of 10!  Balto manages to bat her spear away with his shield!  

Balto swings with a hit roll of 14, adding one for a total of 15.  It's a hit!  He chucks a 3 for damage.  Jacinta's S&M gear reduces this to 2 but Balto's +3 STR bonus vs. leathery attire makes for a respectible 5 points of damage.

Jacinta then rolls randomly to see if her leather absorbs anything.  She rolls a 6, preventing two points.  She's now down to 12 Hit Points! 

Round Five

Initiative Roll (d6): Jacinda gets a 2.  With her Dex bonus of three her Initiative total is 5.  Balto rolls a 6 (-1 for being a clumsy oaf) so he manages to secure a tie.
 

Jacinta rolls 14 + 6 for a total of 20.  Balto rolls 11 + 1 for a total of 12.  Jacinta easily hits Balto's AC of 10 while Balto hacks off Jacinta's top-knot as she ducks just underneath his blade.

While ducking, Jacinta takes the opportunity to jam her spear into Balto's gutteral area (conveniently located between the links of his mail).  She rolls a 4 but it's bumped up to 6 vs. Balto's Chain Mail and another +1 for her STR bonus for a total of 7. 

Balto then does his armor check. He rolls a 5, preventing four points of damage.  He takes the remaining three right in the bread basket, putting him at 6.

"Alright, it's starting to sting a bit now."

Round Five

Initiative Roll (d6): Jacinta gets a 5, and with her Dex bonus, Balto prepares to have his spleen perforated.

Jacinta rolls another 14 + 6 for a grand total of 20.  She rolls a 5 for damage but it's bumped up to 7 vs. Balto's Chain Mail and another +1 for her STR bonus for a total of 8.   

Balto then rolls a 6, preventing five points of damage!  He's forced to suck up the remaining three leaving him with only 3.

Looking for payback, Balto rolls an 18 (+1 to hit) for a total of 19.  It's a solid hit!  He rolls 3 for damage, subtracting one for Jacinta's "Trinity" wear.  This gets ramped up a bit with Balto's STR, giving him a grand total of 5 damage.  

Jacinta rolls randomly to see if her leather absorbs (1-2) zero, (3-4) one or (5-6) two damage.  A d6 roll gives her a roll of 1 so she takes all five points and is now down to 7!   
  

Round Six

Initiative Roll (d6): Jacinta gets another 5 making Balto's roll completely moot.

Jacinta rolls 15 + 6 for a total of 21.  She rolls a 2 for damage but it's bumped up to 4 vs. Balto's Chain Mail and another +1 for her STR bonus for a total of 5.   

Balto then rolls a 3, preventing two points of damage but it's not enough!  Jacinta turns her attacker into a Balto-kabob!  She guides his impaled husk over to the edge of the bridge, kicks him off the end of her spear with her boot and he falls twenty feet down onto the road below where his corpse is promptly run over by a team of draft horses.
 

The Running of the Bulls: putting piercing and bludgeoning damage together since the 14'th century.

***

Initially I was very proud of my first foray into the realm of D&D rules hackery.  I'd assigned a more appropriate modifier to the chance to hit.  I'd broken an attack down to connecting with a target first and then breaking through your opponent's armor.

And then I realized that it was all just a bunch of rubbish.  

Yes, that original catch-all known as Armor Class was an abstraction, but it was an abstraction which really simplified combat and kept things moving.  Although my system might be a tad more "realistic" (whatever that's worth in a game where your slay trolls and cast spells), in the end I'd piled on a wad of new modifiers plus an additional die roll!  And don't even get me started on trying to interpret what kind of natural armor and weapons monsters come standard-equipped with!

I'm hoping that some wise sage can look at this madness that I've wrought and either salvage a kernel of logic from it or confirm that I've completely wasted my time.

 Come at me, bro!  My fish-head gauntlets are impregnable!

   


  
 

Games Even A Mom (and Sister!) Will Love: "Puerto Rico"

Yes, I'm fully aware that most of my posts thus far have featured so-called "Ameritrash" titles.  For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, Ameritrash games usually involve head-to-head conflict, buckets of theme, guiding and/or developing some sort of faction or avatar and flirting with Lady Luck via the hucking of giant mitt-fulls of dice.  Some Ameritrash games that I've featured on this here bloggie thang include Heroscape, Star Wars Miniatures, Middle Earth Quest, Drakon, Cave Troll and Twilight Imperium.

In contrast to this are the "Eurogames", so named because many of them were designed by Europeans, particularly Germans (who seem to have a much more enlightened view of the hobby then us North Americans).  In Eurogames, if there's any conflict at all, it's usually indirect and players are rarely eliminated.  Instead of coming up with mechanics to realize a theme, Eurogames often innovate new and exciting designs and theme is often just an afterthought.  The role of luck is also downplayed, if not completely eliminated.    

Some Eurogames that I've featured on mien blog include, um...well...10 Days in Europe.  And...that's...it...

Okay, so maybe I am a sucker for theme, but that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate a good game with clever mechanics.  Witness one of my top five favorite board games of all time: Puerto Rico.

Puerto Rico takes place during a time of colonies and plantations during the Age of Sail.  While producing five different types of commodities (corn, indigo, sugar, tobacco, and coffee) players have to develop a more efficient production strategy then their opponents.  You need to maximize your earnings by selling your crops at the right time.  You need to build warehouses to store you goods so things don't spoil.  You need to get yer peeps out in the field or set up in factories.  Most importantly, you need to ship your wares back to the Old Country for precious, precious Victory Points!

This is accomplished with the selection of certain Action Roles (Trader, Settler, Mayor, Builder, Craftsman, Captain and Prospector).   First pick alternates every round and each player selects one of the remaining actions as their turn.  Everyone around the table will get a chance to perform the action, but the person who first picked it often gets a cool secondary perk.  To increase the strategy, no role can be picked more then once.  The winner will often be the player who perfectly times the optimal role.

So, we went up to Moncton to spend Easter weekend with the family.  Cheryl's mom is such an avid board game player that I'm not even allowed through the front door unless I'm packin' at least three games with me.  This time out, I wanted to revisit Puerto Rico, which the three of us had previously played together.

As an added wrinkle, Cheryl's sister Cathy also wanted to give it a whirl.  Cathy's great because she's got tremendous competitive spirit.  Although she, like most people, still equates gaming with "classics" like Crapopoly, she's also more then willing to try my so-called "weird" games.  This often results in an epiphany of sorts, which I really love to see.

"You're hilarious," she said as she sat down at the kitchen table, now littered with Puerto Rico's individual boards, colorful resource tokens, purple buildings and edible-looking colonist discs.  "It's always a brand new game with you!  Are you afraid to play the same game twice because someone else might actually get good at it?"

Say on, sistah.  I have the exact same gripe about my weekly gaming group.

Anyway, it took us a while to get started.  I hadn't played Puerto Rico in years so it's always a challenge introducing unique mechanics to a new player.  If not for Headless Hollow's rules summaries, more then one noob might run the risk of slipping into a coma even before the first turn.

Our first few rounds were played very conservatively.  Unwilling to select any of the more "advanced" roles, we spent the first few turns planting crops, building introductory structures and acquiring new talent to man this stuff.  Then, as I started to pick roles just to illustrate what they did in game, shit started to get reals, fo' sho'.      

After choosing Craftsman my one manned field produced two Indigo (picking the role always gives you  a +1 bonus).   Sheila and Cathy also unwittingly produced Corn after learning that it's the only resource that can be produced without having a matching production facility.  Cathy then selected her trust go-to the Mayor.  She got one Colonist off the Ship and one from supply and the rest of us had to be content with a single dude apiece.

After Sheila thought out loud that she wanted to buy a Small Market, Cheryl urged her to pick the Builder Role.  As a result, she got the thing for free thanks to her Secondary Action.  Still somewhat destitute, Cheryl and I had to pass on building.  Cathy, like the Joker, bought a Ha-Hacienda just because it "sounds like fun".  Regardless of her motivation, it immediately started giving her extra Plantation options.

We soon got to see this in practice when I took the Settler, which allowed me to get a Quarry, thus reducing my building costs.  Cheryl, investing in her future, cleared a Coffee plantation.  She then activated the Captain role, perhaps a bit prematurely.  She loaded one Indigo on an empty ship, getting a +1 Veep for selecting the role.  Cathy loaded Corn on another empty ship, also nabbing a Victory Point.  Sheila followed suit.  I put two Indigo on Cheryl's ship, scoring two Victory Points!

Now armed with the Governor token it was up to Sheila to pick first.  She went with the good old reliable Mayor, scoring two new Colonists!  With no empty building spaces generating additional bodies for the Colonist Ship, Cheryl, Cathy and I only got one dude apiece.  Cheryl selected Craftsman, and knocked out one Indigo.  I got two of the same.  Both Cathy and Sheila produced the more-valuable Sugar and a bit o' Corn.

Cheryl then activated the Builder, getting a -1 price break for the Role and -1 for her Quarry.  Given this discount, she promptly invested in a Coffee Roaster.  Frustrated that we've already come back to the whole "buying buildings crap", Cathy passes.  Fearing a stockpile coming soon, I use my Quarry discount to pick up a Small Warehouse.

Clearly learning quickly by example, Cathy took the Settler role to exploit her Ha-Hacienda.  She ended up making off with two valuable plantations: Tobacco and Coffee.  Sheila also took the Phillip Morris route and selected Tobacco.  I doggedly continued to specialize in Indigo.

I also couldn't resist the two Doubloons (which Cathy originally called "Dublins") sitting on the inexplicably daunting Trader Tile.  I sold an Indigo, giving me four pieces of cheddar in total (including a +1 bonus for picking the role).  Cathy pawned Sugar for two coins.  Thanks to Sheila's Small Market she sold her normally valueless Corn for one bling.  Cheryl, much to her dismay, was stone-cold shut out.  

Cheryl made herself feel better by selecting what is apparently the Puerto Rico equivalent of a giant bowl of Hagen Daaz: Da Mayah.  She got one serf from the supply, one from the Colonist Ship and then armed a spare dude hanging out in San Juan with a hoe (?) and then nudged him out into the field (presumably with a bayonet).

Well-noting my instant windfall for picking the Trader, Cathy picked the Prospector for a slew of cash monies. Man, as a board game guru it's really fun to sit back and watch the epiphanies begin to percolate!  As Sheila pondered her next move. Cathy began muttering in excited but hushed tones about she could now afford to buy a Coffee Roaster.  Another victim hooked!  Heh, heh!      

Sheila decided that she wanted to have a bash at the Captain Phase.  She loaded one Sugar and got a +1 Victory Point perk for being El Kapitan.  Cheryl and I piled on the Indigo for a single point each, filling that ship to the capacity.  Cathy then threw a Sugar on board the other ship.  After we verified that no-one lost anything to spoilage (and Cathy voiced her suspicion that I was "making up the rules as we went"), the Governor token went to Cheryl, allowing her to pick first.

She took the increasingly popular Settler, intending to grow more precious Coffee.  Cathy stole my Indigo Plantation so I ended up with some superfluous Corn.  She then fulfilled her lifetime dream by picking the Builder and hammering together a Coffee Roaster.  Sheila picked up an Indigo Plant.  I paid three Puerto Rico bucks to construct a Sugar Mill.  Cheryl was busted so all she could do is sit there and shake her fist.

Sheila then went all Craftsman, producing two Sugar (one was her bonus) and Corn.  I nabbed one Indigo and a Corn.  Cheryl got one Indigo and a super-expensive Coffee making me super-jealous. Cathy picked up Corn and Sugar (a box of Corn Pops?).

"Ummm, what does this thing do again?" she asked, indicating her Ha-Hacienda.

"Oh, God, for the third time, it's for when you pick your Plantations!" Cheryl fired back, clearly not the fountain of patience.

I finally indulged in some Mayorial goodness, scoring two new recruits.

"When do I get a chance to move this friggin' little (reference deleted since I believe that it exceeds the blog's adult content warning)?!?" Cathy demanded, indicating a seemingly shiftless dude in San Juan.

"Now!!!" both Cheryl and I shouted back in unison.

Cathy's kicked off the start of a new round by singing a rousing rendition of "I Don't Have a Freakin' Clue" to the tune of "Camptown Races".

"For someone who doesn't have a freakin' clue, you seem to be doing quite well!" I scoffed back.

Despite the fact that's actually incredibly advantageous to go first, Cathy was understandably overwhelmed by the crush of strategic options.  That crippling board game malady called Analysis Paralysis began to set in.

"I know what you mean!" Sheila concurred.  "When I have to go first I'm all like..." (indicates deer in headlights expression).                                        

"Like, for example, why would I want to build a Fortress or a City Hall?!?" Cathy inquired.

The game then broke down into a discussion about the Victory Points awarded for having larger buildings.  I quickly explained that the City Hall gives you Veeps for every Violet Building you have at the end of the game.  The Customs House gives you one bonus Victory Point for every four points you already own.  With this knowledge achievement unlocked, Cathy seemed content that she didn't have to worry about these things just yet.    

After concluding that she wanted to get some drones toiling away in her newly christened Coffee Roaster, we encouraged her to pick the Mayor.  It's a timely selection since the sum of every empty building spaces had added more bodies to the Colonist Ship.  In the end she got one from the Ship, one from the Supply and a bonus dude when it comes around to her again.  Sheila also snagged two thanks to the surplus and me and Cheryl get hosed with just one apiece.

Sheila picked the Captain which absolutely killed me since I have only one individual good at the time. She loaded two Sugar and got a bonus Victory Point for a total of three.  I wheeled my one, sad Indigo on board and Cheryl did the same.  Cathy added to the Sugar stockpile and Sheila finished up with a Corn delivery.  Cathy also contributed with a cobbage-related offering.

I then selected Craftsman, giving me two Indigo and two one Sugar (with my +1 bonus).  Cheryl scored two Coffee and one Indigo.  Cathy got two Coffee a Sugar and a Corn.  Sheila got one each of Corn, Sugar and Indigo.  Cheryl then wisely picked the Trader, selling her expensive Coffee for a whopping five Doubloons!  This filled the Trading House, screwing the rest of us royally for the turn.

Sheila Mayored it up, getting one dude from the Ship and one from supply.  Since our buildings were mostly filled up, the ship just had the minimum for dudes on it, giving the rest of us just one recruit apiece.  Now with some goods to move, I picked the Captain ("Yaaarrrr.") and piled on two Indigo for three Veeps.  Cheryl added to the same ship for one VP.  Cathy filled up the Sugar ship.  Sheila crammed one more unit onto the Indigo ship.  I snuck a single Corn on the last ship and Cathy stogged that ship to capacity.

Then, for goods storage, both Cathy and Cheryl lost one Coffee apiece.  Sheila lost Corn.  Thanks to my recently minted Small Warehouse I got to keep everything!  BWA-HA-HA-HA!!!  *A-hem*.  Sorry.

With seven Doubloons burning a hole in her coin purse, Cheryl picked the Builder and slapped up a Large Market.  Cathy passed.  Sheila wanted a Tobacco Plant but can't afford it.  I picked up a Construction Hut for one dinero, mainly just because I've got a Quarry fetish.  

Cathy then went with the Traito...er, Trader.  She then sold a Coffee for five whopping semolians. Sheila clocked three Doubloons for her Sugar and Small Market.  Cheryl kept muttering "I can't do shit because Cathy took my space, bee-yotch!".  Thanks to my own H.M.A. (Hot Market Action) I got two coins for selling my Indigo.

I'm tempted by the ultra-rich Prospector and scored an entire ass-load of Doubloonage in the process. Cheryl went with the Settler, got a random face-down Tobacco and then hesitantly picked yet another Coffee plantation.  Cathy finally remembered to exploit her Ha-Hacienda, pulling a random Corn tile and wrangling an Indigo plantation.  Sheila also uses her own version to wrangle more Indigo fields.

Having already picked up on the concept that the advanced Buildings were a possible key to victory, Cathy opted for the Builder role.  An amusing minor breakdown occurred when Cathy's eyes suddenly became as wide as saucers as I attempted to explain how the University (each new building comes pre-loaded with a dude) and the Factory (gives bonus Doubloons for producing a variety if goods) work.

"Soooooo, anyway," she said, ignoring my confusing tutorial and glancing over to my board.  "What do you have over here, smarty pants?"          

She noticed my Warehouse and I encouraged her to buy one since she'd just gotten burned with a loos of goods.  Sheila passed on the purchasing.  Cheryl constructed a Tobacconist.  Impressed by my own sales pitch, I dropped mucho del coinage down on the Factory.  

Despite her disorientation, Cathy kept clapping her hands together excitedly, trying to prompt us to get the lead out by asking "Okay, who's turn is it?" every ten seconds.

"Wait, we're buying!"  Cheryl shot back.  "Jeepers, it's not all about you!"  

Sheila picked Craftsman and made Corn, Sugar, three Indigo (+1 extra for role) and then stopped herself from cursing a blue streak when she realized that she still has no way to produce Coffee.   Cheryl scored two Coffee and one Indigo.  Cathy made out like a bandito,  cranking out two Coffee, one Sugar and one Corn.  I bashed out two Indigo, one Sugar and one Corn all the while speaking with a shamefully poor Juan Valdez accent.  

Cheryl became the Governor and led with the Mayor, scoring two peeps.  The rest of us only got one ("Boooooo!!!"). With six building spaces unoccupado, I knew that we'd have bonus plebe dispensation with the next Mayor phase.

Cheryl attempted to wage a subtle propaganda campaign on Cathy, trying to influence her into picking the Trader.  "You'd be helping yourself.  You like money.  Money's good," Cheryl said, loudly whispering her Wormtonguery across the table through cupped hands.

Resentful of the attempted chicanery, Cathy briefly flirted with the idea of screwing Cheryl over but then settled on the Builder to procure an Indigo plant.  Producing a slew of different goods now, Sheila wisely bought her own Factory.  Being totally broke at the time, I was forced to pass.  Cheryl bought a Smurftastic Indigo plant.

Sheila jumped at the Captain role.  She got three Victory Points, two for her Indigo and one for the role bonus.  I popped two goods on the same ship.  Cheryl loaded three Coffee on the five-space ship.  Cathy loaded two onto the same vessel, filling it up.  In the second round, Sheila put her Sugar onto the final boat and I snuck one on there as well.  Cheryl added one to the Indigo ship.  Cathy smuggled one more unit onto the Sugar ship.  We all waved goodbye as the Coffee boat set sail, presumably for Seattle.

I then opted for the Craftsman, pulling up two Indigo, two Sugar (+1 bonus) and a Corn.  As if this wasn't sweet enough, my manned Factory also gave me two free Doubloons for this!  Cheryl got one Indigo, one Tobacco and two Dark Roasts.  Cathy collected two Corn, a Sugar and two Coffee.  Sheila then picked up one Corn and one Sugar but got shortchanged on the Indigo since the supply was now exhausted!

Looking to redeploy her serfs, Cathy took the Mayor and got one dude from the Ship and one from the Supply.   After Cheryl, Sheila and I each hired one guy apiece, both Cathy and Sheila each got a bonus body thanks to the oversupply.  Six were then restocked on the Colonist Ship.  With more buildings being produced every round it wasn't hard to see that the clock was ticking! 

Sheila took the Trader, which also came pre-loaded with two Doubloons.  Although she only had Corn to sell, she still got two more Doubloons out of it thanks to her Awesoma Market Power.  Since this filled up the market, no-one else could take advantage of it.  Solid play!

Then I was all over the Captain, loading three goods aboard one of the larger Ships.  Cheryl stowed two aboard the same ship and so did Cathy.  Sheila contributed one to the effort.  Cathy was the only one who could load a follow-up item in the second round.  In the end, I questioned decision to take the role, since I ended up watching my Corn rot on the docks.  Sheila and Cheryl also get burned in a similar manner.  Cathy, on the other hand, was pickled pink that her new warehouse proved to be super-practical as well as aesthetically pleasing.  

Cheryl went for the Craftsman, growing one Indigo, two Tobacco and three Coffee (her +1 bonus). Cathy got a Sugar, two Coffee, two Indigo and two Corn.  Sheila produced a Corn, two Sugar and two Indigo (with her Factory giving her two free Doubloons).  After harvesting one Corn, two Indigo and one Sugar, I also reveled in receiving two bonus coins from my own Factory.

Looking for a make work project, Sheila picked the Builder and cobbled together a pre-fab Tobacco Plant.  Everyone else passed.  I then took the Settler, motivated more by the accumulated money then the actual Plantations.  Concerned about the expense of java production, Cheryl got some Sugar to go with her Coffee.  Cathy kept bumping up her Indigo and Tobaccy potential.  Sheila followed the trend and snagged an Indigo field.

Cheryl went with the Trader, selling one Coffee for a record seven Doubloons (five plus one for the role plus one for her Large Market)!  Cathy pawned her Sugar for two coinz.  Sheila got +1 for her own Market and earned two Doubloons for selling Indigo.  I salvaged a single coin for selling Corn thanks to my own Small Market.      

Cathy then up and picked the Captain, loading four Corn and collecting five big Victory Points!  Sheila packed three Sugar onto another boat.  Cheryl squeaked in a bit of Coffee.  I loaded some cargo onto Cathy's S.S. Cornball.  Despite her points windfall, Cathy confessed that she was expecting someone to have to courtesy to load some Indigo for her but it didn't happen.  She's forced to discard one after squirreling her two Coffee away.

With the Builder role, Cheryl got a deal on the Guild Hall, which would eventually give her Victory Points for occupied buildings.  Cathy passed.  Sheila bought a Large Warehouse for six bones.  I paid nine coins for a blockbuster Custom House, giving me a Victory Point for every four Veeps I already own.  Boo-ya!

Unable to resist the sparkle of gold, Cathy picked the Trader and scored five Doubloons for the sale of her Coffee.  Sheila closed the market with a sale, shutting out me and Cheryl.  She then followed this up with a Mayor-fueled job fair.  It was very well timed since she got one from the supply and two dudes from the Ship.  I was also lucky enough to get a 100% bonus in the drone department.  Seven replacement Colonists then went down on the Ship.  We the supply running dangerously low, we all began to suspect that End was Very Fucking Nigh.

Cheryl picked first, selecting the Captain.  This action was a tad early for her since she could only export a single Coffee (with a bonus point for taking the role).  Cathy mirrored this same action.  On the other hand, I was delighted to flood a fresh ship with four Indigo on board.  Sheila had absolutely nothing to move.  Cathy threw a last-minute Indigo onto my ship.

"That may not have been strategically wise," Cheryl observed after the fact.

Knowing that the game was almost over, Cathy looked to procure some eleventh-hour Victory Points with the Builder.  She optioned the Fortress, giving her a bonus Veep for every three Colonists.  Sheila didn't have a lot of Benjamins so she built a Construction Hut just for the halibut.  Since that was the only thing left on the board that I could afford, I was forced to pass.  Looking at her Production Buildings, Cheryl put together a Guild House.    

Keen on occupying her deserted buildings, Sheila took the Mayor and got two from the Ship and one from supply.  Cheryl and Cathy both get one Colonist and I was lucky enough to get a spare out of the deal.

With not enough Colonists to replenish the Ship, the game was over!

Here was the final score:

                         IN GAME VP'S       VP'S FROM BUILDINGS         BONUS VP'S             TOTAL 

  
ME                         20                                     14                                         5                        39
 
CHERYL                14                                      16                                         8                        38

CATHY                  20                                      12                                         5                        37

SHEILA                  16                                      15                                         0                        31


Wow, talk about yer close games!  As a side note, I recalculated the scores several times just to make sure I didn't fuck something up.

Post Game Comments

Me:  "That Custom House did not pay off for me as well as I thought it would.  Yeah, there's a lot of strategy, it's crazy."

Sheila:  "Well, having one (Doubloon) from all things (produced) really didn't help me at all either."  In defense of the Factory, Sheila might have purchased it a bit too late.  She also missed a couple of opportunities to take advantage of it.  Personally I loved the little cash windfall that my Factory provided on every other turn.  

Cathy:  "Next time, if I get to play this again in five years ('OooooOooo, was that directed at moi?') , I would build the Harbor.  Every time that a ship was cashed you get a point.  Because...look at how many times we cleared that slate."         

Cheryl: "Harbor with the Captain together, with a Victory Point with every delivery, would be pretty sweet.  You kinda have to pick your theme: what are you gonna do, right?  Are you going to get into production or the Trader or get into storing stuff and selling?  But I like the fact that you're always doing something, you don't have to sit around for eight hours waiting for your turn to come around."      

***

So, for it's variable strategies, inter-player dynamics and lack of luck and down time, I'm proud to give Puerto Rico a well-deserved Six Pips outta Six!    

    

"Twilight Imperium": Phoenix, Pariah, Conqueror, King

Last Wednesday night we finally had a chance to finish up our first complete game of Twilight Imperium.  I'm happy to report that we suceeded in this noble goal.

Sort of.   

The great thing about running an epic game like this over the course of several weeks is that you don't have to do a rule book crash course every time you sit down to play.  You can just pick up from where you left off and jump right back in! 

For those of you who've been following along at home, last time we left off on a bit of a cliffhanger.  Dean was trying to consolidate his corner of the galaxy with a predatory eye on Twilight Imperium's answer to Coruscant.  Despite Chad's military might, he was having a rough time stamping out pockets of uncooperative rebels.  The lion's share of my navy got nuked after I drunkenly marched them off into uncharted space.  Then, in a major twist, Andrew barricaded himself alone inside the galactic equivalent of Fort Knox by sealing the vault door with a supernova.   

Should you require a slightly less esoteric recap, you can find Part One by enclickifying this link and Part Two roit 'ere. 

 Players & Their Races

Me...Naalu Collective (Blue)
Andrew...Embers of Muaat (Orange)
Dean...Mentak Coalition (Purple)
Chad...L1Z1X Mindnet (Yellow)

ROUND FOUR

Strategy Card Selection

Me...Production & Warfare

Dean...Leadership & Bureaucracy

Chad...Assembly & Diplomacy

Andrew...Technology & Trade

With half of my fleet reduced to atoms, I decided that a defensive posture might be prudent.  Via a Movement Action I backed my Flagship, Merc and Fighters away from Andrew's beefy-looking fleet.   

Clearly incensed, Dean punished Andrew for daring to employ "stradgedy" by playing "Local Unrest" and killing most of his troops on Sem-Lor.    

On Chad's turn he played the exact same card, annihilating the rest of Andrew's garrison.  As you might be able to tell, Andrew was now drawing more aggro then Courtney Love at a Foo Fighters concert. 

Andrew dwoned his sorrows by staging a vicious assault on peaceful Garbozia.  After missing with an orbital bombardment, he set one Mech Unit and three Ground Forces to the task of subjugation.  They scored one hit but my settlers managed to strike back.  In the second round, Andrew's Mechs quickly mopped things up by scoring two solid hits after my defenders whiffed.

I played the Production Strategy Card and started slappin' shit together quicker then a Taiwanese assembly line worker.  By the time I ran out of shekels I'd constructed a Carrier, four Fighters, and four Ground Forces.  Dean quickly joined the riveting party and knocked out a Dreadnought, a Cruiser and a Mech.

He followed this up by playing Bureaucracy, which gave him a free Command Counter.  Unfortunately he wasn't able to claim any of the newly-revealed Objectives.  The rest of us balked at the idea of paying a Strategy Allocation Token at the risk of drawing a giant steaming pile of nothingburgers.

Next up, Chad played Diplomacy, forcing all of us to place Command Counters in Nebula V, instantly wiping it off the invasion radar.  Andrew was the only one to pay the Command Counter / Influence price to invoke the card's secondary ability and lay claim to a nearby planet.     

Andrew then pulled a Tactical Action and moved his ships out of the Supernova system, 'cuz apparently he can do that and I can't.  Fucking horseshit.  Andrew then proceeded to probe the bejesus out of a nearby Domain Counter but chose not to encounter it.

Risking blow back, I sent my last Cruiser into a hex of empty space between Dean's territory and my own.  When the Domain Counter turned up a free derelict Cruiser, Andrew took the opportunity to sow the seeds of discord.  

"Dude, that could have been yours!" he said, trying to bait Dean into attacking me.  "You need to get that shit back!"     

Cowed by the still-pitiable state of my fleet, Dean mercifully stayed his hand against me, choosing instead to spend a Movement Action to redistribute his Flagship and two Fighters.   

Chad's combat fleet (consisting of a Dreadnought, two Carriers and two Fighters) ventured into the Thibah system.  During the initial landing, his Mech unit missed and Andrew, gleefully representing the defenders, scored two big hits!  During the second round of combat they exchanged one hit apiece, but for Chad, it wasn't enough to eliminate the opposition.  Once again, the rag-tag remains of his landing force had to retreat back to the drop ship to lick their wounds.

Sensing blood, Andrew continued to put pressure on me by moving his Flagship and Dreadnought into empty space, just one hex away from my home world.

Fearing that Dean's fleet manoeuvres were a prelude for attack, I put my two Cruisers at the vanguard on "High Alert".  

Thankfully my paranoia was unfounded.  Dean played the Leadership Strategy Card, claiming three Command Counters.  Unable to resist the promise of additional CC's, all three of us paid through the nose to acquire two apiece. 

Andrew keen insights began to tell him that some of us might possibly be gunning for him.  As a result, he took a Production Action and hastily assembled a SnapTite® Dreadnought and a Destroyer.

Tapped out like a Texan oil well, I was forced to Pass.

Dean crossed into the last unexplored region of empty space with a Cruiser where he discovered an entrance to Wormhole "B".  Since the planet on the other side (Maluce?) had no Resources it ended up going unclaimed.

Chad played the Assembly Strategy Card and snapped up one Political and two Action Cards.  He then forced me to play one of my Political Cards.  Since he'd already encroached on my space and attacked me without warning, I had absolutely no problem jumping on the "Kick Andrew In The Cubes" bandwagon.  I merrily played "Forbidden Research", preventing him from gaining any Technology this round.  Needless to say, there are a few "poopidy-doo's" and "fiddle-dee-dees".

Andrew responded with the most vicious and heinous revenge: Trade.  And by vicious and heinous I mean generous and kind since I immediately snagged three Trade Goods out of the deal.  Piling on, Chad dropped "Ruinous Tariffs" on Andrew and confiscated half of his Trade Goods!  Andrew completed his turn by producing a loaded revolver, spinning the barrel and singing random lyrics from "The Man Comes Around".

Oh, and he also hired a Merc.

Dean took a Transfer Action and then moved a Dreadnought into the Arcturas sector.  Clearly he was massing for some sort of large-scale fleet operation and you didn't have to be Inspector friggin' Poirot to see that he had designs on Mecatol Rex.

Thanks to my timely card play, Andrew's Technology Strategy Card was a bust.  He looked on helplessly as Dean went shopping for Stasis Chambers and Chad used his alien technology to pick up the highly-coveted Advanced Fighters.  This last purchase was particularly noteworthy since all of Chad's ships instantly went from being sub-light T.I.E. fighters to hyperdrive-equipped X-Wings capable of deadly hit and run missions!     

With that everyone passed and went on to the next round!   

  

ROUND FIVE

Strategy Card Selection

Chad...Leadership & Diplomacy

Andrew...Production & Assembly

Me...Technology & Warfare

Dean...Bureaucracy & Trade

I played the Warfare Strategy Card to put my fleet, now ensconced around my home system, on "High Alert".  Why?  I dunno...

Chad played the Leadership Strategy Card to acquire three precious Command Counters and then paid the Secondary Action's two-for-one cost to snag an additional deuce.  All three of us got in on that hawt auxiliary action by dropping two Production Points apiece.

Andrew played the Assembly Strategy Card and forced Chad to reveal a Political Card.  He put some sort of DEADLY SPACE-SADDAM EVIL LETHAL GAS ATTACK (D.S.S.E.L.G.A.) up for a vote, which he intended to play on Dean's ships in the nebula.  Although we really didn't harbor any ill-will towards Dean, we were all pretty curious to see what would happen when Dean's ships got sprayed with a D.S.S.E.L.G.A.  So naturally it got passed with flying colors just so we could all gawk like yokels at  the resulting slow-motion train wreck. 

We weren't disappointed: the D.S.S.E.L.G.A. wiped out Dean's Carrier, two Fighters and his Spy.

 "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!"

Just as Dean started bellyachin' about this tragic loss I took the opportunity to remind him that it could have been worse.  Like a one-way ticket on "Dave's Exploding Solar Caravan of Doom", for example.   

Undeterred, Dean forged ahead with his planned invasion of Mecatol Rex.  With Chad rolling dice for the defenders, both combatants missed with their initial Fighter attacks.  Dean's capitol ships fared much better, scoring three smacks in total thus wiping out the native air support.  He then plopped two Mech Units and two Ground Forces on the planet's surface.  Chad scored one hit for the Mecatol Rex Ground Forces but Dean was quick to retaliate with three successful attacks.  With that, he was able to claim the great hub of the galaxy!

Even though Andrew was essentially being curb-stomped into a foetal position by everyone around him, I was still concerned that he would blindly lash out at me like a rabid, starving wolverine caught in a bear trap and backed into a corner.  As such, I played "Armistice" on Tar'Mann to prevent him from exploiting the now-defenseless planet.

As if he didn't already have more cool gadgets then friggin' Batman, Chad played the "Alien Tech" Action Card and walked away with some Anti-Mass Deflectors.

Sensing that he was on the verge of being Order 66'ed, Andrew claimed the planet Ashroth in the sideboard galaxy, scoring four free Trade Goods in the process.

Dean endeavoured to recoup his losses with a Production Action.  He used a valuable new racial tech card to double the value of his Trade Goods and then used the profits to build three new PDS units for Vehor and Usis.  He also went after planet Bereg, landing four Ground Forces there.  Andrew telegraphed rolling for the natives, but Dean's aim was true and he successfully captured the planet!

Chad used the now-fashionable Transfer Action to shuffle his ships between Mirage and the Sakulag/Lazar system.

Since all the "cool" kids seemed to be doing it, Andrew exercised the same option to put two Carriers, two Cruisers and three Fighters into Sem-Lore.  Despite being assailed from all directions, it still looked as if he might strike out like some sort of Space Cobra.  But at who?  Say what you want about the dude, but he's certainly no fan of turtling.  

Dean played the Bureaucracy Strategy Card, picking up a bonus Command Counter.  He also flopped an Objective Card which doles out a Veep if you control eleven planets outside your home system.  Yeah, even after five turns into the game we were all still light years away from that particular bench mark.

I played the Technology Strategy Card and brought out "Emerging Economy" which would allow me to launch ships into systems adjacent to my Space Docks.  Andrew, making up for the prior turn's setback, purchased "Stasis Capsules".  Dean becomes the second proud kid on the block to collect his very own War Sun.

Plans still percolating in his noggin, Chad forced himself to abstain from buying any new Tech.  He did, however, play the Diplomacy Strategy Card to bring the planet Nercalor (?) under his sphere of influence.    

Still dreading the very-real possibility of becoming Ned Beatty in an intergalactic re-creation of Deliverance, Andrew used the Production Strategy Card to cobble together some big defensive fatties: a Destroyer, a War Sun and a Dreadnought.  I assembled a Cruiser and a Mech while Dean requisitioned a Dreadnought and a PDS unit.  

Dean played the Action Card "Advanced Re-Enforcements", shoring up his hold on Mecatol Rex with two bonus Ground Forces.

Now completely bereft of fundage, I was forced to pass.

Anticipating a potential dust-up with either Andrew or Dean, Chad dispatched two Dreadnoughts, one Cruiser and one Destroyer towards Capha.

Andrew got his newly-minted enforcers out on point by moving his War Sun, Destroyer and Dreadnought from Muat to Garbozia.

Dean initiated the Trade Strategy Card and also hired his own pet Merc.  Whereas my opponents only scored two or three Trade Goods, I picked up four thanks to my recently acquired "Micro Technology" card.

Then, from out of nowhere, Chad sent a single long-distance Fighter on a perilous journey through two hexes of empty space to blockade his only Space Dock!  Whatta twist!  Needless to say, Andrew was suitably unimpressed.

After everyone passed and the round ended we tallied up the new Veeps! 

I finally scored a Victory Point for successfully invading a planet and Chad earned points for cock-blocking Andrew's production on Muat! 

ROUND SIX

Strategy Card Selection

Andrew...Leadership & Warfare

Me...Production & Assembly

Dean...Technology & Diplomacy

Chad...Bureaucracy & Trade

With my fleet somewhat revitalized, I finally felt confident enough to send three fully-loaded Carriers and a Cruiser out to oppose Andrew's renewed incursion.

As if softening Mecatol Rex up for a future landing, Andrew dropped a "Plague" Action card on Dean's garrison there, killing four Ground Forces!

Dean used the Diplomacy Strategy card and paid Influence to sway the planet Oucen'n into his empire.  Andrew also scrounged up three Influence to tempt Industrex into his corner.

Chad procured three Goods from the Trade Strategy Card and hired his own galactic gopher.

I then totally ("Totally!") spazzed out on the Production Strategy Card, exploiting the Matriarch's capability to increase my Fleet Supply to eight (!).  This allowed me to push out three Dreadnoughts (!), two Ground Troops and a Space Dock.       

"Oh, I see what's happening here!" Dean shouted after I placed my Space Dock two hexes away from his turf.  "You're comin' after me!"  

"Are you fucking nuts?" I replied.  "I've got Andrew breathing down my neck and absolutely no ships in that area to attack you with!  I'm only placing it there 'cuz my 'Emerging Economy' card lets me place units adjacent to Space Docks and since I never got a chance to expand everything's adjacent to me right now!"

Fortunately this masterwork of Orwellian double-speak seem to confuse Dean slightly more then it confused me.  Unfortunately, it still didn't prevent Dean from building some insurance in the form of a War Sun.  Meanwhile, Chad quietly nudged his Flagship and two Fighter squadrons out into space while Andrew supervised two Mechs coming off of his assembly line.

Andrew played the Leadership Strategy Card to rake in three well-needed Command Counters.  Dean nearly broke the bank paying for three, while Chad and I translated two Production Points into one apiece.

Via a Tactical Action, Dean bolstered his defense by moving his War Sun, Carrier and Two Cruisers out to the front line.

Chad diverted his fleet to Tibah to have yet another bash as subjugating that hornet's nest of a planet.  After scoring two quick hits, Chad finally experienced the thrill of a cleanly successful ground campaign!

Next up I used the Assembly Strategy Card to take a Political Card, two Action cards and the Speaker Token.  I then obliged Dean to play "Colonial Redistribution" which would have forced Chad to destroy all of his Ground Forces on a single planet.  Naturally this resulted in Chad pulling some quick-draw veto action!

Meanwhile, in the sideboard galaxy, Andrew took a peek at the Domain Counter on Sauder and then promptly replaced it, all the while maintaining an impeccable poker-face.   

Dean played the Technology Strategy Card, picking up the fancy-sounding Magen Defense Grid for free.  I finally broke into the red Tech tree by constructing Hylar Assault Lasers.  Both Chad and Andrew invested in XRD Transporters.

Chad picked up two mid-round Victory Points by playing Bureaucracy and claiming the "five Tech advances of the same color" objective.  Jerk.

Then, as much as it pained me to do so, I had to pass.

Settling into his new home, Andrew constructed a Space Dock in Ashtroh.

Dean passed.

Unexpectedly, Chad lashed out at Dean in the Centauri sector with four Dreadnoughts!  In response, Dean played "Rule By Terror" which inflicted two casualties on Chad's attacking force courtesy of his War Sun!  As a result, Chad was forced to tuck his tail behind his legs and slink back to the homestead.

With last-ditch battles breaking out, Andrew fortified himself by playing the "High Alert" token from the Warfare Strategy Card.  His main armada, on point close to Mecatol Rex, was instantly made battle-ready!

Clearly chasing the Victory Point dragon, Chad's task force (consisting of a Cruiser, Dreadnought, Merc and Carrier) attacked Andrew's fleet in Sem-Lor (with two Carriers, two Cruisers and three Fighters). What followed was perhaps the most humorously inept single round of combat in the history of Twilight Imperium.  Or modern Italian military history for that matter.

In fact, the only ships that managed to hit were Chad's Dreadnought and Andrew's Carrier (which performed a successful "last gasp attack" after being felled by Chad's "Experimental Weaponry"). Andrew's wise original impulse to get the fuck outta Dodge was hampered by his compete and total lack of Strategy Allocation tokens.

The second round proved to be considerably more lethal, with Chad scoring four hits to Andrew's two.   In the third round, Chad's Merc earned his keep by delivering the final blow.

Although I'm tempted to indulge Andrew after he plaintively asks me "Sooooo, we're losing.  We may as well fight, right?" ultimately I deny him the satisfaction of a time-consuming scrap by using my racial ability to retreat from the Urta and Bereg system.  Secretly, I'm hoping for another full round so we can all get our collective mitts on Chad's throat.

Chad then played an Action card, allowing him to take control of the Wormhole Hex with a single Cruiser.  This one action alone reduced his Victory Point requirement to only nine points putting him even closer to victory!

In response, Andrew played a card called "Flank Speed" increasing the range of his ships by one.   Chad nullified this with a card that required the sacrifice of his Spy to cancel an Action Card.  Then, out of nowhere, Andrew pulled a second "Flank Speed" card out of his anus and then calmly proceeded to follow through on his original plan!

He sent his War Sun and Dreadnought into the contested Wormhole Hex and obliterated Chad's Cruiser, thus denying him the one Victory Point reprieve and extending the game!

Or not.

With this last action, the round came to an end.  I claimed two more Victory Points for building five Yellow Tech advances.  Dean followed suit for his five Red Techs.  Chad claimed a single Victory Point for destroying three ships in a space battle.

But with that we'd run out of time.  Again.  It was already very late, it was a school night and it would likely take another hour or two to complete another full round.

So, with that, we decided to pack it in and call it a game.  Given Chad's runaway lead, we concluded that he'd probably claim his tenth Victory Point before any one of us could possibly catch up to him.

FINAL VICTORY POINT TALLY

CHAD...NINE POINTS

DAVE & DEAN...TIED WITH FIVE POINTS

ANDREW...THREE POINTS

So, with that, Chad was unanimously declared the winner of our first complete game of Twilight Imperium.*
     

* WITH A HUGE FUCKING ASTERISK