"Twilight Imperium": The Saga Begins

Sooooo, last Wednesday night we finally got our collective shit together and kicked off a sure-to-be- epic run of Twilight Imperium.  Since we've failed miserably on several occasions to complete a full game of this in one sitting, we all collectively agreed to dedicate every weekly game session in the foreseeable future to completing this beautiful beast.

If you consider yourself to be a veteran of the Ameritrash wars but find yourself asking "What the fuck is Twilight Imperium?" then I'm afraid you're gonna hafta turn in your credibility badge, lower your head in shame, climb into your Wienermobile and just drive away.  Like Warhammer 40K, Blood Bowl, Dungeons & Dragons or Magic The Gathering, Twilight Imperium isn't so much a board game as it a way of life.

The game has appeared in three previous iterations since 1997.  Over the past fifteen years, designer Christian T. Petersen has keep a close eye on board game evolution, often incorporating mechanics from unlikely sources in order to streamline play in his own game (the Strategy Cards, for example, were cribbed directly from the Euro-classic Puerto Rico).  The third edition, published seven years ago by Fantasy Flight, represents a high water mark for this epic game of space exploration and galactic empire building.

Players chose from one of many distinct alien races.  Each race strikes out from their home world with a variable starting array of technology, ships, special abilities and resources.  Via an expanded fleet, players attempt to subjugate neutral and enemy-controlled planets in order to expand their influence and acquire more economic clout.  Negotiation, political wrangling, alliances, scientific research and fortuitous combat all serve to aid the wily player in their campaign for victory.

Players & Their Races

Me...Naalu Collective (Blue)

Andrew...Embers of Muaat (Orange)

Dean...Mentak Coalition (Purple)

Chad...L1Z1X Mindnet (Yellow)

In order to increase our odds of actually finishing the game this time out, we decided to implement the first round "speed up"rules.  Each of us placed an ownership token on two adjacent systems.  I revealed my intentions for neighboring Wellon, Bellatrix and the space station Tsion.  Andrew staked his claim on Lor, Arnor and Sem-Lore.  Dean stuck his flag-pole (?) in Mehar Xull, Usis and Velnor.  Chad set his ambitious sights on Capha, Lazar and Sakulag.

In an unrelated question, does anybody out there know if Chris Peterson has a speech impediment?

ROUND ONE

Strategy Card Selection

Dean...Technology & Bureaucracy

Andrew...Production & Warfare

Chad...Leadership & Diplomacy

Me...Trade & Assembly

Rarely can a player claim that they fucked something up even before they've had a chance to make a single move, but I earn this dubious honor by ignoring the Naalu's special ability which automatically gives me the initiative.  As such, Chad's Leadership Strategy Card rewards him with the first turn.  He cleverly adds three new Command Counters to his available pool during a time in which no-one can afford to follow suit.

Still oblivious to my special ability, I use my Political Strategy Card to claim the Speaker Token.  After  drawing a Political Card and two Action Cards, I force Chad to play one of his Political Cards.  He opts to tag Andrew with an "Official Sanction", preventing him from invading any planets on this pivotal first turn.  Andrew is understandably perturbed by this unexpected turn of events.

Prevented from crushing any star systems underneath his booted heel, Andrew is forced to settle for producing a shit-ton of new ships with the Production Strategy Card.  The primary action of the role coupled with his Sarween Tools gives him three additional resources with which to build.  Everyone jumps on board with the secondary action.  I build a few new Carriers and Chad uses his racial ability to crank out Dreadnoughts like Bob Ross landscapes.

Dean throws down the highly-prized Technology Strategy Card to earn himself some Automated Turrets.  The rest of us are too broke to pay the secondary action's steep activation cost.

Chad moves his ample fleet into a system ripe for invasion and makes the first planetary landing of the game.  Unfortunately, he apparently lands on the home world of the Reavers who proceed to murder and then sodomize his ground forces, in precisely that same order.

In stark contrast, the indigenous people of Wellon invite my ground forces down for tea and then politely give me the inside scoop on a neighboring planet which is inhabited by Lazax Survivors.  I fail to read the full write-up on these dudes, which proves to be my second consecutive cock-up in a game that's still only in its infancy.

Still muzzled, Andrew's uses the Warfare Strategy Card to go into High Alert and do a bit of strategic redeployment.

Dean lands on another planet and the locals greet him with sucker-covered open arms.

Still smarting from his "Bay of Pigs (In Space!)" invasion Chad goes after a different planet but once again his troops get massacred by pissed-off locals.  Feeling that he's been karma bitch-slapped enough for neutering Andrew, he gambles on a third landing and this time he's finally rewarded with a peaceful annexation.

I land on (Lestrange) Bellatrix and encounter the Lazax Survivors that I'd peeped out on my previous action.  Although this gives me three extra votes in a future election, I quickly realize that I hosed myself on the deal.  If I'd actually bothered to read the full description of these guys I would have taken an extra turn to probe the planet first with a scout ship.  If I'd done that, I would have earned a Victory Point and three free Action Cards instead.  I silently declare myself to be officially barefoot in the head.

With bugger all else to do, Andrew keeps shifting his fleet around with High Alert.  He moves into the Bereg and Urta IV system, which I instantly interpret as an act of aggression since since his fleet is now only two hexes away from my home world.  

Dean successfully navigates past the automated defenses of another neutral planet and re-programs the defense grid to serve as his very own PDS (Pickle Dijon Sandwich, BTW).  His second landing reveals native spies who spill the beans on another nearby system that's ripe for the plucking.

Chad tries to use the his Diplomacy Strategy Card to claim the planet that went all Red Dawn on his ass but he's forced to pick another target after we remind him that it isn't "empty".  Once again, no-one else can afford to take advantage of this Strategy's secondary action.  Translation: we are teh suck.

I activate my Trade Strategy Card, setting up a two-for-two trade agreement with Andrew and a one-for-one arrangement with Dean.  Chad and Andrew and Chad and Dean also do one for one trades.  After stockpiling three new trade goods I finally notice the initiative-winning ways of my patron race.

Andrew exploits a loophole and ventures out into deep space where he finds some free alien tech just kinda bobbing around out there.

Using the Bureaucracy Strategy Card, Dean scores a Command Counter, draws two cards from the Objective Deck, plays the optimal choice and immediately scores a Victory Point for conquering three planets in one turn.  Unable to afford the high secondary cost, his opponents immediately express Herculean levels of disgust and accuse him of overt dickery.

Taking a cue from Andrew, Chad explores deep space and also hits the jackpot, scoring a free derelict cruiser.

Not one to pass up a free lunch, I investigate an area of empty space and come across an abandoned transport loaded with two free trade goods.  Apparently in Twilight Imperium, the entire universe is like one big swap meet.  I'm waiting for Dean to turn up a full collection  of commemorative BK Empire Strikes Back drinking glasses.

Salivating at the thoughts of being let off his leash on the next turn, Andrew redeploys his entire fleet in order to set himself up for a slew of invasions.  He has the demeanor of a fat kid being held back from free sample day at the Eggo factory.

Everyone passes, ending the round.

ROUND TWO

Strategy Card Selection

Me...Technology & Trade
Dean...Leadership & Bureaucracy
Chad...Assembly & Production

Andrew...Warfare & Diplomacy

I double dip with the Technology Strategy Card, coming away with a Gravity Drive (allowing my ships to successfully navigate a Rift) and Cybernetics (which instantly transforms all of my fighter pilots into Kara Thrace).  Chad becomes the proud owner of some Automated Defense Turrets.

Dean uses his Leadership Strategy Card to replenish his Command Counters.  I take the table scraps offered by the secondary action and purchase two of them at rip-off rates.

Still exploiting the High Alert status provided by the Warfare Strategy Card, Andrew completes his fleet manoeuvres and prepares to let slip the pit bulls of war.

Chad triggers the Assembly Strategy option.  After nabbing one Political and two (potentially) sweet Action Cards, Chad has his revenge by forcing me to play one of my own Political Cards.  I consider the comedic value inherent in placing a Victory Point bounty on the head of one of my opponents but opt to give my own ground troops a much-deserved upgrade instead.

I test my new shock troops by landing on the planet Tempestra.  The natives proceed to thank me for this kind subjugation by giving me some free technology.  Dean ensures that I receive the totally useless Transfabrication:  Twilight Imperium's equivalent of a screen door on a submarine.

Dean lands two of his ground forces on another planetary prize but it turns out to be a deadly, radiation-soaked hell-hole.  Too bad he didn't dress his landing party in haz-mat suits before they beamed down, huh?  Man, if this was the Federation, someone's ass woulda been fired.

Andrew finally experiences the sweet, sweet endorphin rush that only comes with planetary invasion by conquering Urta.

Still content with being the galaxy's equivalent of Sanford and Son, Chad uses a Ghost Ship Action Card to retrieve an abandoned Destroyer.  He also reveals that he now needs one less Victory Point to win the game as long as he controls the nebula-cloaked planet of Evehra. 

Yeah, who wants to lay a bet that this is gonna prove to be a giant pain in our collective asses towards the end of the game?

 I open up the floodgates of commerce by playing the Trade Strategy Card, scoring three trade goods in the process.

By tabling the Bureaucracy Strategy Card, Dean effectively puts the plot of The Phantom Menace into play via the "Blockade a Space Dock" Objective.  He also scores a Command Counter and clocks another Veep for battling ground forces on a successful invasion.

Andrew successfully gambles on a planetary invasion.  The locals rat out the aliens living next door (whom we can only assume they despise with the fire a million War Suns).  He gets two resources worth of free ships for the landing which quickly follows.

Chad gets an awesome deal on dreadnoughts and cruisers and mechs ("Oh my!") after tabling the Production Strategy Card.  I jump in on this hot welding action and construct another Carrier while Dean smashes a bottle of champagne on the hull of his brand, spankin' new flagship.

I invade Vefut II and my gracious new hosts pay tribute to my awesomeness by giving me four free trade goods!  

Andrew tries to pull a fast one and cobble together his own flagship, until we point out that he only has enough money to build the landing gear.  He builds a slew of regular ships as a consolation prize, which seems to make him feel better.

Unable to seek vengeance against the Reavers just yet, Chad is forced to goes after a softer target.  Although he gets his nose bloodied a bit by the Andrew-controlled locals, he still manages to pull out the victory.  Only now does he realize that his orbiting Dreadnoughts could have given his ground forces a +1 attack bonus all this time!  Suddenly I'm happy not to be the only oblivious rube sitting at the table...

Realizing that I'm swiftly running out of low-hanging fruit, I upgrade two of my planets with production facilities.

After Dean, Chad and I pass, Andrew polishes off the second round with his Diplomacy Strategy Card.  He scores some bonus Command Counters and then performs a "Peaceful" Annexation on a nearby planet.  Everyone else is completely tapped out and can't take advantage of the secondary action, so we just make ourselves content with wishing Andrew ill-fortune in all of his future in-game endeavors.

At the end of the second round, Chad claims a Victory Point for his grand planetary battle and Andrew scores a point for taking over three planets in one round.

So, at the end of our first session the Victory Point totals are:

Chad & Dean...Two Victory Points apiece

    Andrew...One Victory Point

Me...zippo, ziltch, nil, nada, bupkis, zero

     
Stay tuned for session two...coming soon! 

"It's Clobberin' Time!": Marvel Heroscape

Back on the 24'th of March I was going to re-unite the League of Paper Champions to have a bash at the old Marvel Super Hero RPG.  As luck would have it, I got crazy busy during the previous week and didn't get a chance to dig out the adventure I'd already written until the night before I was supposed to run the game.

And hey, guess what I couldn't find despite tearing my entire house apart?

Although I was adventureless, I still had the Fellowship over the following day to test this baby out as a consolation prize:

Rules, Character Selection & Scenario 

Game One

The Good Guys

Me:  Captain America and Sgt. Drake Alexander

Mark: The Hulk and a Krav Maga Agent

Cheryl:  Iron Man and Spider-Man

The Bad Guys

Dean:  Doctor Doom, Abomination and the Deathwalker 9000

Sabina:  Red Skull, Venom, Zettion Guard

Round One  

Dean's Deathwalker lobs a grenade at the heroes.  Iron Man blasts away at Abomination.  Sabina's 'bot proves to be ineffectual against ol' Shell-Head.  Cap throws his mighty shield and brains Abomination.  Doom try to control Tony Stark but his Mind Control powers seem to be useless against the inebriated.  Hulk leaps into the fray but the Abomination ducks!

Round Two

The Red Skull takes an ill-advised pot-shot at the Green Goliath.  Hulk feeds Abomination a knuckle sandwich.  Abomination goes toe-to-toe with his arch enemy.  Iron Man tries to crack Doom's armor.  Venom cheap-shots The Hulk, taking him from slightly pissed to uber-furious.  Cap strikes down several rivals with one blow!

Round Three  

         

Abomination tries his best to match The Hulk blow-for-blow but eventually gets his face re-arranged.  Venom surreptitiously boots The Hulk right in the 'nards.  Iron Man attempts to crack Doom's armor with a repulsor can opener.  The Red Skull unexpectedly gets the best of his hated rival.  Spider-Man web-slings towards the goal line.      

Round Four

The Hulk pops Red Skull's head like an over-ripe zit.  Ol' Web-Head reaches the end zone.  Venom gets the best of a tenderized Hulk.  Doom keeps shuckin' and jivin' against Iron Man and then fails to nail his web-slinging quarry.  

Round Five

Iron Man defends his home turf against Doom.  Venom's spider-sense proves to be nowhere as effective as his counterpart's and he's soon caught napping in more ways then one.  

  

Game Two

The Good Guys

Dean:  Captain America and Krav Maga Agent

Mark: The Hulk and Iron Man

Cheryl:  Spider-Man and Sgt. Drake Alexander

The Bad Guys

Me:  Doctor Doom and two Zettion Guards

Sabina:  Red Skull, Abomination, Venom and Deathwalker 9000

Round One  

Abomination leaps into the fray and lands on Iron Man's helmet.  In a repeat of Game One, Cap drops two robots without breaking a sweat.  After having his brains scrambled by The Hulk, Abomination does a mean Bron-Y-Aur Stomp.  Iron Man tries to fly away but gets punched right in the L'il Iron Man.  

Round Two

Abomination deftly extradites himself from a toxic engagement.  Captain America sees stars and telegraphs the Skull.   The villains foolishly allow "Samurai Jack" to live and he goes all Kill Bill on  Abomination.  Doom clips the wings of the First Avenger but fails to tame The Hulk.  

Round Three

Abomination breaks his date with The Hulk but just can't tag that pesky wall-crawler.  Drake keeps back-stabbing the Abomination.  Skull's Dust of Death proves to be a dud and Hulk bitch-slaps him for his trouble.  Doom finally puts the kibosh on a certain katana-armed G.I. but fails to enthrall the spider.    Ol' web-head breaks into the Stark warehouse.  

Round Four

While leaping out of a scrum, Abomination takes a smack.  He lands in the warehouse with Spidey but fails to hit the agile arachnid.  Hulk does a stompy two-fer on the Red Skull and Venom.  Doom flies into Stark headquarters to squash the spider but his luck isn't any better.  Spidey tea-bags Abomination with his web-bawlz.  Venom seeks out his old enemy.  

Round Five    

Hulk leaps into the now-crowded warehouse and Abomination manages to avoid death from above.  Doom is heard to shout "Cursed arachnid!" more than once as he fails to blast Spidey not once but twice.  Abomination is able to avoid the Hulk's initial wrath but gets his cranium smashed in on the second attack.  Try as he might, Venom just can't draw the attention of the Green Goliath.   

Round Six  

Frustrated by his inability to hit Spider-Man, Doom switches his focus to The Hulk.  Not only does he completely whiff, he also fails with his Mind Control powers yet again.  In response, Hulk tries to put a dent in Doom's faceplate.  Spidey proves to be just as elusive against Venom as he was against the (not-so-good) Doctor.  A suicidal Krav Maga agent tries to snipe the Lord of Latveria.       

Round Seven

Doom's armor stays true against an all-out assault by a rampaging Hulk but his counter-attack fails to pacify the beast.  Venom goes after a soft target and then drives the Hulk into an epic level of rage.   

Round Eight

"Hulk smash!!!"  'Nuff said.  

***

Marvel Heroscape is a ton of mindless fun.  I really wish that this line had been more successful, since I would have loved to have seen more expansions for this set.   

Even with the obvious limitations of the base set, we still had a lot of fun.  Having said that, given the scant amount of terrain, scenarios and characters included, I fear that the base set by itself would quickly get stale.  

Despite this, I really like Heroscape's intuitive rules, the top-notch components and all of the variable stats and powers.  For such a simple game it really does a great job replicating a classic comic book free-for-all.

It just makes me sad that I'll never get my Heroscape Wolverine. 

Four pips outta six!  

Getting Our Jolly's Part II: "Cave Troll"

The second Tom Jolly title we played on the 21'st was the fantasy-themed area-control game Cave Troll.  If you're not familiar with the game, just click on Andrew's handy "Rules" tutorial immediately below or feel free to jump right into Part One.

Cave Troll Rules

Cave Troll Part One

Round One:  Going first, I'm limited to one action, so I bring out a lowly Adventurer.  Mike follows suit but adds a Wraith to the mix with his second action.  Andrew uses the first of his three available actions to play an Adventurer (since all the cool kids seem to be doing it).  He also draws an Artifact and plays an Orc.  Chad, with a full compliment of four actions plays an early Treasure Chest and summons a Knight to guard it.   

Round Two:  I draw an Artifact, seed a Wraith in the central pit and then occupy a four-coin room using two move actions.  Mike juggles a Knight and an Adventurer to maximize his coinage.  Andrew moves his brave Adventurer deep into the maze to claim a valuable five-coin room.  He scores the room then the entire board.  Chad continues to re-enforce his Treasure Room in the north-west corner of the board.  Asterisk alert: no-one seem to notice when Chad unwittingly keeps a timely scoring card to himself and then beams a Thief right into the middle of the board!

Round Three:  I spawn an Orc in the central pit and then bring out my Knight / Dwarf tag-team.  After tabling an innocuous Adventurer, Mike Cave Troll's Chad's "Honey Pot".  Only an Adventurer suffering from swordrectile dysfunction manages to crawl away intact.  Mike also mows my gold-colored lawn with an invading Barbarian.  Andrew's "non-greedy" Dwarf finds a respectable chamber to exploit.  After doing damage control, Chad pulls an Artifact and then moves a dude into scoring position.

Round Four:  Another of my Adventurers seeks to even the odds against Mike's marauders.  Mike keeps battling me for the right to claim a four-coin chamber.  After conjuring a Thief, Andrew uses a Wand of Speed to sneak his Adventurer of Awesomeness into Fort Knox, thus triggering another well-timed scoring round.  Fearful of being insta-ganked, Chad's Dwarf tentatively hits the table while his bold Adventurer moves into Andrew's turf.  He also sends Andrew's Thief running for the latrines with his Wraith.

Round Five:  I kick Mike out of my hizzy with an Amulet of Good Riddance, stomp the shit out of Andrew's gold vault and score up a room.  Mike puts a Knight-guarded Treasure Chest into play and then horns in on Chad's industrious mining operation with his stealthy Thief.  Andrew manages to slap the hysterics out of this out footpad and send her back into danger.  Chad's Orc turns Mike's Thief into a pincushion.

Round Six:  Another Adventurer appears and my Orc suddenly goes all hate crime on Andrew's Dwarf.  Mike's Dwarf and Barbarian team up to usurp my holdings.  Andrew brings out (yet) another Adventurer and his Bionic Barbarian tries to smash through a wall.  Chad shuffles his personnel, looking to optimize coin production.                

Round Seven:  I send my Thief deep into the maze to find the mother-lode while a new Adventurer bolsters my defense.  Mike moves out of Chad's hood and continues to urinate in my Corn Flakes.  Andrew gets more Adventurers on the case and laments his Barbarian's distinct lack of Orc-killing prowess.   

Cave Troll Part Two & Post-Game Review     

Round Seven (continued):  Chad viciously nukes a rival-choked room.  I lose my plucky Thief and Mike's Dwarf bites the dust.  Mike takes this opportunity to kick sand in the face of Andrew's Adventurer with his Barbarian.  After using a mind-controlling Artifact to send Mike packing, he sneaks into a valuable spot with his Thief and then scores the room.

Round Eight:  I flip a room with a Treasure Chest and then score the entire board.  Mike finds an Artifact and plays an Adventurer.  Andrew brings down the hammer and I somehow manage to invent the concept of unconscious reverse psychology.  Chad's Barbarian goes on a rampage and his threat to finish the game proves accurate.

I find it difficult to decide which game I like more: this one or Drakon.  Both have a surprising amount of depth and I can't help but think that we've barely scratched the surface RE: the strategic value of the Monsters.  The beautiful components and variable powers of the figures also helps to give Cave Troll a nice thematic polish.

Five pips outta six!

Getting Our Jolly's Part I: "Drakon"

We were slated to start our Twilight Imperium campaign on the 14'th but we had to postpone when Mother Nature decided to be a King Kamehameha bee-hotch and coat the roads with a sheet of ice.

This week we found out that Prodigal Son Mike had an opportunity to come back into the fold for a night of gaming, so we proposed a couple of Tom Jolly classics that he hadn't played yet.

First up: Drakon.

DRAKON RULES & GOOFY PREAMBLE

GAME ONE

I jump out to an early coin lead, effectively pinning a bulls-eye on my back.  After breaking Wind, Andrew summons the wyrm (um, Drakon, I mean) and uses him to block Chad's coin minting factory.  Chad and Mike begin spelunking together (Awwwwwww...).  

After a brief sit n' spin I try to establish a golden loop.  Mike becomes the first dude to control Drakon, but struggles to determine who best to sic him on.  Andrew gets Blown and then proceeds to remodel the dungeon.  Chad finds the Key to efficient movement.  Andrew finally scores some not-so-phat lootz.  Chad puts a Floating Room in front of me and I set course for another Yellow Brick Road.  

After Andrew poops in Chad and Mike's path, I inexplicably undo the damage.  He punishes my temerity by drop-kicking me into an adjacent room.  I throw nobility to the wind and start robbing Chad blind.  Mike starts clocking gold coins like E.T. picking up Reece's Pieces.  After pilfering one too many times from Chad he coats me in BBQ sauce and leaves me for the dragon.

I respond with a tempting rendition of Stairway to Heaven on the harp.  Chad is lured in, but Mike manages to escape and then uses his special ability to score a brand new hand of tiles.  Mike and Andrew set themselves up with dueling Teleport tiles for the photo finish!  

GAME TWO

                 

Mike does a quick switcheroo.  Mighty Drakon appears to be Andrew's bitch, since, once again, he's the first to summon him to the table.  I use a Mind Control tile to dangle Chad in front of the dragon.  Chad sets his tile layout for M.A.S (Maximum Andrew Screwage).  Drakon is dispatched to guard a coin chamber.  

Mike isolates me in my very own section of the dungeon, where I immediately try and hatch a get-rich- quick scheme.  Mike gets windy, Andrew pays nice and I claim a coin.  After stalking Andrew, Chad puts a tile-destroying room in my path which I promptly use to devalue their golden autobahn.  

Realizing their oversight, Chad and Andrew re-construct the link between my desert island and the dungeon proper.  Chad follows up with a Key room, I use my character ability to minimize Drakonic damage and Mike sets up a line of coins that would make Mario proud.  

After I'm caught dipping into Mike's "Honey Pot" (!), Chad uses Magical Shift to screw with my plans.  He then splits from Andrew, concerned about threats of ass-beatery.  Mike keeps remodeling the dungeon and I branch off from a Key chamber to try and cut into his horde of gold.  Chad repos a Harp room to use for an evil scheme.  

Mike retaliates against my pilfering ways with a giant, green, fire-breathing attack dog.  I then proceed to waste several turns thanks to an ill-placed Floating Room.  Chad steals wantonly from Andrew, who keeps throwing caltrops in my path.  Mike makes a premature declaration and it's down to the wire for a surprise win!

I really dig Drakon.  If you're a sucker for a fantasy theme and like watching your opponents rip their collective hair out, this is a must-buy.  It's simple, easy to teach, and rife with strategic possibilities.  And, as part of Fantasy Flight's Silver Line series, it's also not gonna break the bank in these tough economic times!

Four pips outta six! 

No, "Eclipse" Most Certainly Did NOT Kill "Twilight"

Andrew missed our inaugural play-through of Eclipse so, when he started to threaten the rest of us with random nut shots if any other game was tabled last week, it didn't take us very long decide.  Besides, the first game was so fun that we didn't exactly need to be water-boarded in order to play it again.

 
So, with Chad away on bidness, me (yellow), Andrew (red) and Dean (blue) ran the game again  Wednesday night.  Here's how it went...

Oh, if you need a rules overview, you'll find one back on the first post.  

Part One

I kick the game off by exploring an "Outer Rim" system that gives me a quick jump on victory points and a meager cash prize.  The second is a core world that boosts my other resources.  I also prove to be a sucker for star destroyers and fembots, but not necessarily in that order.     

Meanwhile, Dean discovers a planet full of Reed Richard-types, explores a system rife with hostiles, constructs his own army of  Kelly LeBrocks and hits the science lotto after stumbling across an otherwise mediocre system.

Andrew, in his first game, does his best to explore the game's boundaries.  He bumps into a galactic hornet's nest, claims a decidedly-less-hostile world, declares his contempt for victory points, finds a derelict ship, keeps turning up danger and then cobbles together his own Battlestar.

Bonus: the destructive power of a miss-heard earworm is revealed!      

Part Two

Andrew builds a pair of little red space corvettes, buys upgrades as a preamble to fighting "shitheads", mobilizes for invasion and then promptly gets his ass kicked up around his ears.

Dean institutes his trickle-down theory of Dean-O-Nomics, bumps into more aliens who aren't keen on the concept of "annexation", builds some sweet new rides, performs a foreclosure on a colonist and then gives Andrew a great big paper cut and pours lemon juice all over it.

I plant my flag in two juicy new resource worlds, discover monies in deep space, slap together some plasma cannons and keep mindlessly gobbling up victory points like a fat kid with a bag o' Smarties.  

Bonus:  We humbly propose a bold choice for the inevitable soundtrack to Eclipse: The Motion Picture.  Plus: COOKIES!!!

Part Three

I give my economy a hummer, build some cruisers, upgrade my ships to run on pure awesomonium, install some BFG's, strap on some ablative armor and finally discover some innocent locals to slaughter.  

Dean hires Space Dwarves, sneakily researches and upgrades in silence, gets his ship assembly line a-crankin', moves his armada into position and then proceeds to annihilate indigenous aliens like an Intergalactic Conquistador.      

Andrew begins the painful rebuilding process by funding his brainiacs, discovering a planet filled with Stephen Hawking clones, settling a prosperous system and performing a power upgrade.  He's also mortified to learn that his costs aren't cumulative after all.  Whoops!  

Bonus: The Hulk Hogan sex tape becomes an unfortunate topic of conversation and Andrew destroys half the galaxy with a Z-Ball-shaped Death Star.       

Part Four

 

I finally venture into hostile territory, cobble together a few DS-9's, build a shit-ton of new ships, tap a system for untold riches, win my first battle decisively, make an ill-advised non-aggression pact, explore deep space and promptly find myself painted into an interstellar corner. 

Dean's production goes into hyperspace, he invests in some non-pregnatable shielding, keeps upgrading his ships in silence, frets about subjugating Coruscant, subjugates Coruscant and then horns in on Andrew's revenge.

Andrew snags a money planet, buys (used) sexbots to celebrate, goes missing for a bit, hires professional excavators, christens a dreadnought, upgrades the bejesus out of his ships, rallies his fleet to take on his old rivals and then proceeds to destroy his own game board.

Bonus: The immortal phrase: "Turtling is the ticket to second place" is uttered.         

Conclusion and Review

I buy a figment of Arthur C. Clarke's imagination, start grasping at victory point straws, engage in a self-fulfilling prophecy and then stand by helplessly as history repeats itself.

Dean stealthily follows suit, keeps piling on the build actions, transforms his ships into Voltron and dishes out a shellacking.

Andrew finally confronts his old nemesis but it turns out to be a kamikaze action.  

The General Consensus: Eclipse is a pretty awesome little galactic empire building game that, unlike it's big brothers, can easily be played in one evening.  The at-a-glance reference card simply and elegantly simulates ship customization, tech development and the game's clever economic engine.

But comparing it to Twilight Imperium is like comparing Green Day's "Coming Clean" with "Only In Dreams" by Weezer.  They're both awesome, but for totally different reasons.

Speak of the devil, next week on "YAFGB", it's Part One of our epic series on Twilight Imperium.  

Well, it was nice knowing y'all.   

League of Paper Champions: "A Piece of Paizo"

After such a long-winded preamble, you might think that the Pathfinder Beginner Box is an odd first choice for the League of Paper Champions to tackle.

After all, didn't I just finish saying that the 3 *slash* 3.5 edition of D&D was like an RPG albatross hanging around my neck?

Yes, but if someone were to put a crossbow to my cranium and force me to run a game right now, I'd probably fall back on Type 3 / 3.5 just 'cuz it's been my sole sustenance for the past twelve years.

Besides, there's a coupla things that actually make some sense in this version.  At least in theory.  Examples:

• Players seem to dig having more quantifiable things to do in the form of Skills and Feats.  
• High rolls = good times in every possible situation.
• There are only three saving throw categories modified by character ability.  None of them refer to avoiding peril at the hands of a phallic object.  
• Armor classes go up not down.  I.E. adios, THACO! 
• Simple tactical modifiers for things like flanking, charging, attacks of opportunity or firing into a melee. I don't want a simulation of a medieval scrum, but, hey, a bit o' chrome is always nice.  
• MINIS!  MINIS!  MINIS!      

As for the conversational hot potato that is 4'th edition, I just wanna say that it's not for me.  I haven't played it myself, but after listening to every Penny Arcade podcast of the game I know for sure that it's not for me. Honestly, it looks like a cool, innovative system but it's just far too removed from the game I grew up with.  

Ergo, the concept of a cleaned-up 3.5 in the form of Pathfinder is still pretty attractive to me.  'Specially when it comes in such a lurvely box packed to the rafters with all kinds o' cool bitz.  

So, after scoring a copy of this bad boy on a steal just before the holidays, I was chompin' at the bit to take 'er out for a spin.  Last Saturday I assembled the League of Paper Champions together at Casa del Me to play out the introductory adventure included in the Game Master's Guide.        

Player Bios:

Cheryl has the least amount of fantasy RPG experience.  She might not be totally acclimated to the sometimes-overwhelming appearance of a fully-loaded character sheet, but her keen tactical mind and a wealth of common sense has proved indispensable in the past.  She's predisposed to playing elves and has gravitated towards Druids or Wizards in the past.  She's much more interested in parleying and problem solving then chucking daggers and making goblin-kabobs but when her hand is forced, she's not to be trifled with.    

Due to her recent experience in playing a stealthy character in Skyrim (who seems to be able to steal the pants off a guard commander at will), she agreed to play the elf Rogue Merisiel. 

Dean is a veteran player who often gets stuck playing the Cleric just because no one else wants to play the Cleric.  Even when forced to assume this role, Dean does a commendable job healing his compatriots and providing well-timed buffs.  Since he probably grew up at the mercy of several sadistic DM's over the years, Dean has a tendency to be overly-cautious at times.  But, as a great man once said, "When everyone's out to get you, paranoia is just good thinking."  

Once again Dean got stuck with the last remaining character: a human fighter which he promptly re-dubbed Fred Manfredgensen.  Listen carefully as he takes what might have been a thankless role, alters his own play-style to fit the character and instantly creates a dynamic and memorable session.

Mark is another experienced dungeon crawler.  To counter-balance Dean's previous tendency to tip-toe, Mark is a lot more likely to swing a sword and ask questions later.  As a result, he typically plays fighters who, for some reason, always ends up with less hit points then the party mage.

Here, Mark gets to play a Wizard (with the decidedly cool handle of Sel-Kun) and seems a bit tentative due to his comparative squishiness.  Nevertheless, his character proves to be pretty effective in combat, which I believe was Mark's primary goal.  

Sabina has a bit more spelunking under her belt then Cheryl, having participated in a side campaign run by another DM along with Dean, Mark and I.  She doesn't seem particularly married to any specific character type, having portrayed Rogues and Fighter/Wizards in the past.    

Of all the members of the League, I think she'd be the one most traumatized by playing olde skool D&D, since she has a habit of lobbying for free experience points and additional abilities at the start of the campaign just for coming up with an elaborate character backstory.  This time out Sabina tried her darndest to play a "war-like" Cleric named Kaylan but she just kept sliding back into her natural role as diplomat and peace-maker.

 ***

WARNING #1: Since this is a play-through of the starter adventure included in the boxed set ("Black Fang's Dungeon"), the entire thing is one big spoiler!  If you're a potential player, do not listen to this or you'll ruin all the surprises.  If you're gonna DM it, feel free to listen with a pen and paper handy to help catalog my incessant fuck-ups.

WARNING #2: In the immoral words of Jerry Holkins: "This podcast features adults using adult language.  You have been warned."  

Pathfinder Introduction

In which I give the players a quick orientation of the generally-well-laid-out Pathfinder character sheet. Everyone gets a chance to inventory their own abilities and equipment and then ponder the odds of successfully killing their fellow Leaguer in order to steal their shit.  

Part One

In which Cheryl proves to be wily (not to mention stabby) with her Sneak Attacks, Dean discovers that he couldn't hit a cow in the ass with a shovel, Mark does his best impersonation of a certain Thunder God and Sabina revels in some neo-OD&D clerical blood-spillage.  

Part Two

Cheryl realizes that the best path may not be the most obvious one, Dean creates a new alignment called "Lawful Belligerent", Mark has no qualms about paying a hot goddess for her "boons" and Sabina wins the "World's Most Ironic Cleric of War" Award.    

Meanwhile, I bring an Italian Goblin King to vivid life, moderate an impromptu debate about the comparative size of demi-human naughty bits and risk life and limb after failing to posses half the hutzpah of a Zak Smith.

Part Three

Cheryl is rankled by her new nickname and mistakes "humility" for "humiliation", Mark magically manifests the hoariest of hoary D&D cliches and manages to resist the temptation to de-pantaloon, Dean does a little arachnid cranial surgery and Sabina just can't resist a quest for an obscure limited-edition toy. 

On my side of the table, Shelob fails to confirm her crit and I realize to my horror that the group I've assembled consists of one narcissist, two crazy people and Rick Santorum.       

Part Four

Dean gets "raked" by the living-challenged, Mark tries to make a case for putting the fighter down like Old Yeller, the skellies feel the Wrath of Sabina and Cheryl makes the highlight reel.

Part Five

The group spies the dungeon crawl equivalent of a dangling carrot, "Black Fang" makes a stunning entrance (proving that the locals weren't just being colorful), Dean does his best John Belushi / "Samurai Deli" impersonation, Sabina blesses her eclectic flock, Mark sticks his staff in a hornet's nest and, despite insisting that she's "dextrous", Cheryl gets slimed.  

Part Six

In which Deep Blue is tapped to calculate the group's "to hit" bonus.  Sabina ends up resembling a certain flame-haired, steroid-ridden "comedian" and then dreams of cheese and evisceration.  Mark pays the price for hitting a dragon in the 'nards with a Magic Missile but his mutant healing powers eventually kick in.  Dean performs a timely surgical strike and then earns the dubious title of WORST PARAMEDICS EVAR.  Cheryl stabs outside the box and earns the slightly-less-dubious title of LEAST INCOMPETENT FIRST-AIDER (EVAR).

An extended (and humorous) bout of analysis paralysis then follows.

Part Seven & Post-Game Analysis

In the final segment, Dean and Cheryl shake hands with the goblins while concealing knives behind their backs, Sabina enacts that old chestnut "physician heal thyself" and reveals that she's a War Priestess With A Heart Of Gold.  After finding a certain pyromaniacal scroll, Mark does his best Beavis impersonation ("Heh, heh.  FIRE!!! FIRE!!!").  

We also give some post-game commentary about what we liked about the Pathfinder Beginner Box and what had us scratching our heads.  

Origins

I really miss my role-playing games.

Every week as a kid I'd guide my peeps though a death-trapped maze in Dungeons & Dragons, have my players tangle with The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants in TSR's Marvel Super Hero RPG or encourage them to blast stormtroopers in the mush courtesy of West End Game's take on Star Wars.

When Dungeons & Dragons first exploded in the public consciousness back in 1974 it wasn't just considered the domain of nerds.  The game was attractive to a whole cross-section of backgrounds, ages, professions and interests (if not a variety of genders, regrettably).

In 1975, the game was even featured prominently in Jon Freeman's book The Playboy Winner's Guide to Board Games:

"Dungeons & Dragons...is far and away my favorite game.  It is appallingly addictive: I know several enthusiasts who spend more time at it then they do at work.  Nonetheless, while its appeal is wider then I once believed possible, it is not for everyone.  If you find fairy tales hopelessly childish, playing until 4 a.m. unthinkable, exercising your imagination difficult, and 'play acting' a bore, you are obviously not going to be happy with FRP (fantasy role-playing) games.  If, however, you were interested enough to read this far and don't find those caveats daunting, D&D may be one of the most exciting discoveries of your life."

Freeman's love for the game is obvious, but his insistence on adopting those awkward "caveats" is exactly what earned pen-and-paper role-playing games their scarlet letter of geekery.  I've played D&D (and their ilk) many times over the past thirty years and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that:

(1)  The flavor of D&D is entirely dependent on the person running the game.  It doesn't have to be an infantile high-fantasy wank-fest that plays out like a bad fusion of Masters of the Universe and My Little Pony.  It can be a combination of Flesh + Blood meets Evil Dead meets The DaVinci Code if you want it to be.

(2) I have NEVER played the game until 4 a.m.  EVER.  I had a strict curfew as a kid and as an adult my lame ass has to be up (and reasonably mobile) every morning @ 7 a.m. sharp.  Apparently Monsieur Freeman thought that the only way to play these games was to organize weekend sleep-overs.

(3) Exercising your imagination is required, but this is no more strenuous then activating your mind's eye while reading a good novel and then thinking up fun and creative ways to fuck around with the plot.

(4) 'Play acting' has always a point of contention for me.  Yes, you can speak in the voice of your character if you want, but if aren't aiming for an Oscar nomination then you can simply say: "My character asks the blacksmith why he's acting like such a douche".  Having said that, while running the game, I tend to adopt all kinds of kooky voices and accents just because I'm a shameless ham who's middle name might as well be "Toupie".

So, largely due to the vaguely aberrant behavior associated with role-playing games, the entire hobby got lumped in with wearing fake Spock ears and eschewing a regular regimen of personal hygiene.

This is all kinds of funny to me since I think it's super geeky when dudes talk pornographically about power tools, debate whether or not Rollie Fingers was the undisputed pioneer of modern relief pitching or willingly venture out in public wearing nothing but purple body paint, a g-string, an oversized foam novelty hand and a beer helmet.

I guess it's just a matter of what society deems "acceptable".  Just bear in mind that this is the same society that deemed Jack and Jill acceptable enough to be green-lit.

Curiously enough, most of us don't seem to have an issue playing D&D when we buffer the experience with an X-Box controller or a keyboard.  After all, what is Dragon Age, Kingdoms of Amalur, The Elder Scrolls, Baldur's Gate, The Witcher, Final Fantasy, The Legend of Zelda, World of Warcraft, Kingdom Hearts, Neverwinter Nights, Diablo and Dark Souls if not D&D rendered digitally and bereft of face-to-face social interaction?

So, because of all the stigma, I dropped out of RPG's for the longest time.  But when Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings films captured the collective imagination of my friends back in 2001 I leapt at the chance to (re-)introduce D&D to them.  Since I was working full-time back then, I convinced myself that I didn't have time to world-build from scratch.  So, not knowing any better, I picked up the 3'rd Edition starter box set which was available at the time and let my players rechristen the pre-gen characters lurking inside:

(As a side note, I've always thought that the cover to this thing was kinda ridiculous.  Shouldn't these clueless morons be facing the other way?  Okay, maybe they're running away from the massive adult red dragon in the background, but if that's the case, shouldn't there be four adventurer-shaped holes in the door like in a Road Runner cartoon?  Shouldn't they look completely shit-baked instead of supremely confident? Hmmmm, maybe the dragon's actually a member of the party.  Exactly how grossly overpowered was the Dragonborn race when it was first introduced?  Oh, well, whatever....)

The six quests included were kinda 'M'eh' but I had fun knitting them into what passed for a cohesive campaign and my players seemed to have a ball with it.  But even with everything served up to me on a cardboard platter, I still felt like work.  Mainly for three reasons:

(1)  For the last adventure I added a sixth player against my better judgement.  I should have trusted my instincts: it proved to be one player too many.

(2)  I'd never run anything other then my own original adventures before.  Trying to adapt someone else's material always seemed unwieldily.  No matter how "prepared" I was, I always felt like I was forgetting something or shortchanging the source material.  

(3)  Although the rules contained herein featured a lot of logical evolutions over my familiar (and beloved) red box D&D and AD&D, it still felt oddly foreign and, as a result, kinda cumbersome.

So, the game fell dormant for me again until last year when I resurrected the campaign in order to give us all a sense of closure.  This was the first original adventure I'd crafted for my campaign and, looking back on it now, I fear that it was hideously linear, restrictive and rail-like.  Once again I feared that my beloved past-time would fall by the wayside.

But then something miraculous happened.  I started reading the tireless RPG blogs of Zak Smith, Jeff Rients, Michael Moscrip and many more.  In doing so I had an epiphany.

My illusory mental blocks melted away.  Turns out, I didn't have to settle for the most recent iterations of D&D just because it was the more "up to date" or "evolved" product.  Regardless of what edition I played, I didn't have to mindlessly adopt every single rule.  I could jettison the rules I hated and adopt the ones I liked from any edition!  Hell, why not explore options completely outside of D&D?         

I know this probably sounds kinda elementary to a lot of you, but until you see someone do this in creative, effective and easy-to-run practice, it all seems like intimidating theory.

So, last month, I hand-picked four gaming friends who I thought would, at the very least, make for an interesting group.  I assembled this fellowship (hereby dubbed "The League of Paper Champions") for three main reasons:

(1)  To determine what RPG experience they'd enjoy the most.
(2)  To discover what game was the most fun and easy to run.
(3)  Based on the two previous answers, I want to know what system game is most likely to hit the
       table in the future.  

I kicked off the first of four experiments in role-playing this past Saturday.  

In the next entry you'll actually hear what happened.